Why I Don't Want Kids and Why I Don't Understand Why Other People Have Them

“And if a woman should say she doesn’t want to have children at all, the world is apt to go decidedly peculiar: ‘Ooooh, don’t speak too soon,’ it will say - as if knowing whether or not you’re the kind of person who desires to make a whole other human being in your guts, out of sex and food, then have the rest of your life revolve around its welfare, is a breezy, ‘Hey - whevs’ decision. Like electing to have a picnic on an unexpectedly sunny day or changing the background picture on your desktop. ‘When you meet the right man, you’ll change your mind, dear,’ the world will say, with an odd, aggressive smugness.”
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman

So this is what got me thinking today, instead of studying for my exam. I think of the most fascinating things through procrastination. Anyway, it got me thinking:

I don't really want kids.

Or no, let me rephrase, the circumstances under which I would even consider having a child are so rare and unlikely to occur that the chances of me having a child are slim. So I suppose I'm not saying I wouldn't ever have a child, but it's very unlikely.

I am a rather selfish human being. I am also multi-verted. I'm quite social, I like going out and talking to people and basking in their ideas and energies. Some nights I want nothing more than to go out to a club and dance with strangers and soak in the energy. And other (most) nights I want to stay home, read fanfiction/books with headphones in, sing to myself, dance like a crazy person by myself, and generally say fuck the world in general.

I am a libra and though I put very little stock in things like astronomy I am very much a creature of duality. I am an opposing being. I am queer. I am attracted to different people and genders (cis or trans) and personalities depending on the day.

But generally, I am a very selfish creature. I love helping people, but when I choose to. I love helping people but it is not my permanent state of being, and I like being able to be alone when I choose. That is one of the main reasons I do not want children.

I'm quite good with children actually. My sister is amazed how opposed I am to the idea of my own child since I am fantastic with my younger cousins and other kids. I'm very exciteable, very high-energy, I don't talk down to them, I treat all children as the bright shining lights of potential and genius they are. Children are smart. Just because they decide to do something you think is stupid doesn't mean they're stupid. The kid who eats sand or glue isn't stupid, they're just curious. And that's not a bad thing. You just have to make sure their curiosity is not harmful to them and other than that, if it's not hurting anyone what does it really matter if they decide to paint their own hair blue? Sure it's a bitch to get out, but if it ends in you shaving their head, well then they're gonna learn not to do it again aren't they?

I'm sorry, but we are creatures of trial and error. It didn't matter how many times your parents told you not to stick a fork in the electrical socket, you tried to do it anyway didn't you? Or something equal to that nature. Don't eat sand. Don't eat grass. Don't ride a bike without a helmut. Don't touch the hot stove. You're going to do stupid shit as a kid. You did stupid shit as a kid. So don't judge kids for doing other stupid shit.

This is why I'm good with kids. So long as it doesn't hurt them, I'll let them explore and try stuff. It might mean me cleaning up but then I get to teach them how to clean up their own messes as well. And besides, the first time they decide to run around the house and break something, the disappointed talk is usually a good deterrent for later on. Disappointed talks from authority figures are psychological warfare to children. I'm not kidding. I was never physically disciplined a day in my life. It was unnecessary. My parents being disappointed was so much worse. I would've preferred yelling over that. The guilt. Oh my god the guilt. Psychological goddamn warfare.

I mean sure, don't let them somersault off a couch and break their arm or something. You have to set certain boundaries, but you have to try and explain it in a way that doesn't sound like "I'm the adult and you're the stupid kid so you'll listen to me because I tell you to".

I don't know about you, but I don't tend to listen to people telling me that now, and I'm 22, let alone when I was a kid.

People don't like to be told what to do without damn good reasons. And children are people. Yeah, they're tiny, yeah, they're not as learned as you, but they're not stupid. Kids are smart, they learn, they just need more experience. And that is your job. You're there to teach them. Not to be a stuck-up prig because you're the mature one. Screw maturity. It's overrated.

This is also why I'm good with kids. I'll get down in the mud and play with them. Get paint on my face and under my fingernails. Run around like a crazy person. Kids love that. And generally speaking they listen to me more because if I'm willing to get down in the dirt with them, I'm likely to listen and not judge them. No one wants to be judged, especially not kids.

But I still don't want children.

Why? I'm still selfish. Once I've run around like a crazy person and I'm tired, I'm done. I no longer want to play. Then I hand the kids back to the parents and go read a book or something. I only have a set amount of energy to give people on a regular basis. The nice thing about other people's kids is I can give them back when I'm done. I couldn't do this with my own kid.

Second reason? I don't have the time. And I probably never will.

At the moment I'm a graduating student. I don't have a permanent job, I don't have a spouse, or even a partner, I don't have a house or permanent address. I'm still trying to get my shit together. At some point if I ever do get my shit together, I'm a musician. I'll be more broke than not and won't be around a lot. I'll be working my ass off and when I'm not working, I'll be networking. I don't have time for a partner right now, let alone a kid.

I'm aware circumstances could change. This happens to a lot of people. Sometimes, the birth control doesn't work (and sometimes the company flubs the pills and doesn't tell you right away), sometimes the condom breaks, sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you don't have control.

The rest of time? You do. You have control over these things. You can control if you have a family or not. Very often people make a conscience decision to have children. That is a decision I have decided against.

And good god do I ever have to explain myself when I say this.

Consistently I am told "oh I said that too" "oh you'll change your mind" "wait til you meet the right person". Well you know what? Maybe I'm not the right person for children. Maybe I'm not ready or prepared or really willing to have children. And should that someday change, fine. But to stand there and pretend you understand me, my nature, my life, better than I do? To stand there smugly and insist I have no idea what I'm talking about just because you seem to think you're so much more experience than I am?

I feel sorry for your children. Do you treat them that way as well? Do you treat them as though they know nothing and you know everything? You must be a pretty awful parent. And if you don't treat your children that way, then stop treating me that way. I deserve just as much respect and consideration as your kids.

I don't want children and that is what I say. It is what I believe and no amount of smug superiority on your case will convince me otherwise. If I decide otherwise it will be because I decide. But because you seem to think I don't understand my life, let me tell you something.

I am broke.
I am busy
I am selfish.
Children are expensive.
Children are time-consuming.
Children are needy.

I will most likely not have children because of the person I am at heart. I may grow in ten years to find myself a different person and decide then I am ready. But the person I am now is not ready or prepared or willing to have children.

I grew up with parents that worked their asses off and summarily weren't there for a lot of my childhood or my sister's. We've both grown with the mindset that unless we have time to commit to a family, we will not have one. We both don't have the time right now. Though besides that in general, she still wants a family at the end of the day, and I don't. But even ignoring that, we need time.

I don't have the time and likely never will, to commit at least 18 years to the growth and development of a bright, shining, ball of perfect potential.

I want a hedgehog.

Now you're asking yourself, how the hell is that relevant? Well it's relevant because I don't have one. And how is that relevant? Well here's the reasons:

Hedgehogs/pets are a lot of work. They have to be fed, they have to be loved and snuggled and taken care of, and without the proper care and attention they will waste away and die. They're like birds. Or fish. Attention required. I might get a cat someday but they are much more solitary creatures and I am aware I could leave it on it's own for long periods of time, which I would do. Because I have to. Broke, busy, etc.

So I understand most people aren't hedgehog people, so let's go with a more well-known animal: a dog.

So here is my question. Would you get a dog, knowing you wouldn't be there all the time to feed it? You wouldn't be there to house-train it? You wouldn't be there all the time to walk it? You wouldn't be there all the time to pet and kiss and hug and love it and give it the affection it deserves?

So why would you have a child?

The goddamn people wandering around telling me that I'll change my mind someday, are sometimes the people who's kids spend more time at school and at the babysitters than with their parents. And certainly, quality of time over quantity, but honestly, unless circumstances screwed you over, exactly why did you have a kid knowing you wouldn't have time for them? I don't care if you have a busy job, you're working, you don't have the time. You knew this before you decided to brood. You knew this. You were well aware you were already busy. You're allowed to work, but make sure you're still there for your kid more often than not.

Is our idea of a proper lifestyle so intwined with the idea of children that people who aren't equipped to have children are having them? Really, why did you have a child if you don't have time to take care of them?

What, you wanted kids? Yeah, well I really want a fucking hedgehog. I'm mature enough to admit I don't have the fucking time.

We are people who put more bloody consideration into getting a pet, than having a child. That's disgusting.

So bugger off. I don't want kids. I don't have time for them. I don't want kids. And I don't want a dog either. They're all technically animals at the end of the day. They involve the same amount of work and time and maintenance and that you likely consider your dog's well-being more than your child's is thoroughly disturbing to me.

So bugger off with your high-brow smug sense of superiority. I think I have my priorities figured better than you do.