Look I feel pretty comfortable in saying I'm on the social justice bandwagon. I am so much on this wagon I legitimately frustrate people on a regular basis.
I try to call people out on their bullshit. On their sexism, their racism. Sometimes they're just a toxic person. I won't take it. I don't have to take it. I will rail against the world again and again.
The problem I'm starting to notice though, is people are beginning to see this as my default personality.
Looks here's the thing: I don't want to be a Debbie Downer all the time.
I don't want to be negative. I don't want to have to list study after study and research. And I have a pretty crap memory. Some days the only thing I can think to say is "this is wrong and hurtful behaviour, you hurt people saying this". And I don't have a study to back it up. I don't have a list of resources I can automatically rattle off.
I have a rather terrible memory. So this happens a lot. The problem being that it doesn't mean the person isn't still being hurtful. And I need to say something. I have a bone-deep rattling sensation of this is wrong and I won't let it go.
But sometimes? Sometimes I'm fucking tired.
Sometimes I don't want to say anything. Sometimes I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue. It fucking hurts too. To sit/stand there and bite my tongue. It's ridiculously hard. But in doing so I grant myself a reprieve. A span of an hour I know is still mine and isn't caught up in trying to explain to someone "no, you're being mean and unfair, stop it, you're derailing, stop it, just stop".
Sometimes I don't want to have to spend an hour arguing points with someone I know isn't listening anyway, with only a half-cobbled together list of resources from my absolute wretched dredges of memory.
And sometimes I don't want to talk to even like-minded people about the people who are hurtful.
And the problem I'm noticing is that even in like-minded circles? I'm getting abuse. Not intentional, not meaning to be. But apparently there are people out there that just don't understand I'm tired. I can't always be on.
I don't want to talk about the jackass from work that hits on every woman and will never change. I don't want to talk about the lady at the gas station who comments about how every POC that comes in is just waiting for a good moment to steal from her, or worse. I don't want to talk about the jackass who comes in and asks when I'm due and looks unapologetic when I tell her I'm not pregnant. I don't want to talk about the people so full of classism they see Food Stamps as a crutch and everyone abuses the system. I don't want to talk about the dumbass in high school who said two chicks are hot but two dudes is disgusting (and I have downgraded that for your benefit, no, you don't want to know).
I don't want to fucking talk about it. I just want one fucking day.
I'm tired and I hurt and no, I can't ignore it. Because it's happening everywhere. I turn on my tv, I listen to the radio, fuck I watched the Oscars and through the whole movie montage went "there are maybe 7 women for the 30+ men". You know how I know this? I counted. Without realizing. I was fucking counting in my head already knowing how it would end. Women would be under-represented. When did my brain become hardwired to see this?
I'm glad for it, don't get me wrong. But I can't enjoy anything any more. And that's good. I'm seeing the issues. I'm seeing the problem. And if I see it, I can try to fix it. But good goddamn it's everywhere.
And I'm fucking tired. It's exhausting. And I can't ignore it. And I know it won't go away by ignoring it. And I'm really really sorry. I am. I'm sorry.
But please stop getting mad at me for asking for just one day, one hour, one minute of blessed silence.
It's not I don't want you to be angry. I do. I want you to be angry. I want you to fight. I want me to fight. I want the whole world to understand these things are not okay. But you know how hard these battles are. They're draining and exhausting.
And I'm not that strong. I can't fight every day.
And I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry.
I just- Need a minute. Please.
Please stop being angry with me.
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rant. Show all posts
Friday, March 7, 2014
Friday, February 21, 2014
Accompanist (Or If You're Mean to Your Accompanist You Are A Shitty Person And You Should Feel Bad)
So I saw this post recently and it gave me accompanist feels. So here's a musical rant for all you.
Look here's something people may not realize. Every singer you see? Wouldn't be half as good without accompaniment. How many times have you heard something instrumental and a swell of music makes you pause (see: LOTR music)? That's musicians. Who when there is a singer involved are lumped in the phrase: accompanist. Without people realizing exactly the contribution they give.
Here's the thing, accompanists aren't just playing blindly. Well maybe they are, but good accompanists aren't.
If a singer sings softer? The accompanist will play softer, if they're louder? They have to be louder (of course exceptions exist). But this generally means that in anywhere as short as three minutes to as long as three hours, this person is consistently listening. Listening for queues and shifts and changes.
And here's the thing. Singers? Adlib.
Not the lyrics... Well no, that's a lie. We totally adlib lyrics when shit hits the fan. I once repeated the entire first verse of Habenera (and no one noticed, go acting) cause I repeated a line by accident and, being in Canada, decided repeating the first verse would be better than slicing in the second. Since lots of people in Canada can speak French and splicing verses would've led to sheer dafuq-ery.
But anyways. Sometimes you sing a line six different ways and on performance night? Sing it a seventh. Your accompanist is listening for these queues.
An extra breath, a pause for emphasis, a pause cause you forgot your next fucking line (fml), a pause cause you tripped onstage and hiccuped a phrase (again fuck my fucking life).
Accompanists matter.
And I was lucky enough to have a phenomenal one.
A good accompanist can make or break you. If you are singing and you go off note, or off rhythm or just off practised script, a good accompanist can save your ass. And make it sound intentional.
Do you understand that power? Do you understand the trust of "this sheet music is terrifying to me, but I trust you to play this, and if I screw up for you to hold me and help me"? Accompanists matter.
I had the same accompanist for three years. I transferred schools after. But I paid my dues. I paid a significant amount of cash when I probably could have found a cheaper student accompanist. Because he was phenomenal. He was and is to this day, the most amazing man I've ever met. He is still a good friend of mine. (And his wife was my singing teacher and I love her too, basically a beautiful family all around, their kids are fantabulous as well.)
But I would bring in a piece of music. And he would sit there with me and explain the history. He was my music history teacher as well. He would tell me about how certain words should be emphasized because that was the intent of that era. How this composer meant this, and the story of their life and who they were. I connected to the words and the poetry and the melody. He connected me to the history. The intent and true meaning. The person behind the tune.
We would dabble in timing and rhythm. This Italian piece had more flair. This contemporary piece was meant to be sung straight. Certain key aspects of things I never would have thought about.
And he watched me.
I would do a musical number. And perhaps I would pause. A fermata. A breath. A space. A suspended piece of time. Never a stop. Never waiting. Just breathing. And he would watch my form. My face, my belly, my breathing. Waiting for that indrawn breath. Wait with me in the moment. For that first movement of my lips.
To play again.
To perform with me.
And it aggravates me to see people being flippant about this.
When I transferred schools, I had other musicians in band come up to me and applaud me for being so nice. I was a good singer, but I was still so humble and bashful. And it just infuriates me that there are musicians. Proficient musicians. Out there. That think they aren't worth as much. Or that have resentment towards singers cause they can be such diva bitches.
You are not more important than your musicians. You are a musician. You are one of them. You aren't above them. Get the fuck off your high horse.
I am a musician like any other musician. Without my accompaniment I am not half as effective to an audience. I can sing a cappella and quite well. That doesn't mean I can perform a recital that way (well choir groups and stuff, but by myself? come on, we come from a society of harmony, accept it and move on). Accompanists make me more effective. Phenomenal accompaniment has made me better. Phenomenal accompaniment has made me sound much better than I am. I am more effective with accompaniment.
If you actually think you are better than your backup there is something wrong with you. When you go on stage you are putting on a show. And the support is just as important as the main event.
I do not deserve applause for being a decent fucking person. If you practice every day to get a piece right and have the history and the background to be good at what you do, how do you think your accompanist deserves any less? Do you think they practice less? Just because you're in the spotlight does not mean you automatically get to treat other people worse.
That's like thanking your waitress for a wonderful meal and ignoring the chef that fucking cooked it. Just because you're the one people see, doesn't mean you're the only one onstage.
I'm not saying accept bad treatment from bad musicians. You are generally paying for a service. And it sucks be a singer cause you're often paying for accompanists that other musicians don't have to. But you are paying for a service all the same. You deserve the respect.
But so do they.
Treat your musicians fairly.
(Y'know what, apply this to sound and lighting crew as well, those beautiful bastards never get kudos)
Look here's something people may not realize. Every singer you see? Wouldn't be half as good without accompaniment. How many times have you heard something instrumental and a swell of music makes you pause (see: LOTR music)? That's musicians. Who when there is a singer involved are lumped in the phrase: accompanist. Without people realizing exactly the contribution they give.
Here's the thing, accompanists aren't just playing blindly. Well maybe they are, but good accompanists aren't.
If a singer sings softer? The accompanist will play softer, if they're louder? They have to be louder (of course exceptions exist). But this generally means that in anywhere as short as three minutes to as long as three hours, this person is consistently listening. Listening for queues and shifts and changes.
And here's the thing. Singers? Adlib.
Not the lyrics... Well no, that's a lie. We totally adlib lyrics when shit hits the fan. I once repeated the entire first verse of Habenera (and no one noticed, go acting) cause I repeated a line by accident and, being in Canada, decided repeating the first verse would be better than slicing in the second. Since lots of people in Canada can speak French and splicing verses would've led to sheer dafuq-ery.
But anyways. Sometimes you sing a line six different ways and on performance night? Sing it a seventh. Your accompanist is listening for these queues.
An extra breath, a pause for emphasis, a pause cause you forgot your next fucking line (fml), a pause cause you tripped onstage and hiccuped a phrase (again fuck my fucking life).
Accompanists matter.
And I was lucky enough to have a phenomenal one.
A good accompanist can make or break you. If you are singing and you go off note, or off rhythm or just off practised script, a good accompanist can save your ass. And make it sound intentional.
Do you understand that power? Do you understand the trust of "this sheet music is terrifying to me, but I trust you to play this, and if I screw up for you to hold me and help me"? Accompanists matter.
I had the same accompanist for three years. I transferred schools after. But I paid my dues. I paid a significant amount of cash when I probably could have found a cheaper student accompanist. Because he was phenomenal. He was and is to this day, the most amazing man I've ever met. He is still a good friend of mine. (And his wife was my singing teacher and I love her too, basically a beautiful family all around, their kids are fantabulous as well.)
But I would bring in a piece of music. And he would sit there with me and explain the history. He was my music history teacher as well. He would tell me about how certain words should be emphasized because that was the intent of that era. How this composer meant this, and the story of their life and who they were. I connected to the words and the poetry and the melody. He connected me to the history. The intent and true meaning. The person behind the tune.
We would dabble in timing and rhythm. This Italian piece had more flair. This contemporary piece was meant to be sung straight. Certain key aspects of things I never would have thought about.
And he watched me.
I would do a musical number. And perhaps I would pause. A fermata. A breath. A space. A suspended piece of time. Never a stop. Never waiting. Just breathing. And he would watch my form. My face, my belly, my breathing. Waiting for that indrawn breath. Wait with me in the moment. For that first movement of my lips.
To play again.
To perform with me.
And it aggravates me to see people being flippant about this.
When I transferred schools, I had other musicians in band come up to me and applaud me for being so nice. I was a good singer, but I was still so humble and bashful. And it just infuriates me that there are musicians. Proficient musicians. Out there. That think they aren't worth as much. Or that have resentment towards singers cause they can be such diva bitches.
You are not more important than your musicians. You are a musician. You are one of them. You aren't above them. Get the fuck off your high horse.
I am a musician like any other musician. Without my accompaniment I am not half as effective to an audience. I can sing a cappella and quite well. That doesn't mean I can perform a recital that way (well choir groups and stuff, but by myself? come on, we come from a society of harmony, accept it and move on). Accompanists make me more effective. Phenomenal accompaniment has made me better. Phenomenal accompaniment has made me sound much better than I am. I am more effective with accompaniment.
If you actually think you are better than your backup there is something wrong with you. When you go on stage you are putting on a show. And the support is just as important as the main event.
I do not deserve applause for being a decent fucking person. If you practice every day to get a piece right and have the history and the background to be good at what you do, how do you think your accompanist deserves any less? Do you think they practice less? Just because you're in the spotlight does not mean you automatically get to treat other people worse.
That's like thanking your waitress for a wonderful meal and ignoring the chef that fucking cooked it. Just because you're the one people see, doesn't mean you're the only one onstage.
I'm not saying accept bad treatment from bad musicians. You are generally paying for a service. And it sucks be a singer cause you're often paying for accompanists that other musicians don't have to. But you are paying for a service all the same. You deserve the respect.
But so do they.
Treat your musicians fairly.
(Y'know what, apply this to sound and lighting crew as well, those beautiful bastards never get kudos)
Friday, January 24, 2014
Job Hunting And How I'm Not Slowing Pulling My Hair Out (Well No, I Am, But Not As Much)
So I'm writing this with the knowledge that it's entirely my own experience, so take this with a grain of salt. This is mostly directed towards those of us doing online job-searching. Which is likely all of us now.
First things first, if you need help read this. Yes, it's long, no, it's not mine, but it's damn good advice. And the "setting limits" thing seriously helped me. And the Cover Letter help. Cause good goddamn I hate Cover Letters. I'm fabulous at writing them. I hate writing them.
So I'm mostly online searching, which can be a bitch. Because the second you get on your computer, there's Facebook, there's Tumblr (oh god Tumblr), you go to research something and get dragged into something else. It's like paper writing that ends in Wikiwandering. You're going to inevitably get distracted.
Tip 1: Stay hydrated.
No seriously. Generally when you're on a computer you ignore most regular habits like eating or drinking. I'll say eat something as well, so long as it's not distracted eating where you eat a bag of chips (unless you want to, go ahead and eat that entire bag of doritoes if it makes you feel better about having to slog through this, you've earned it).
But if you aren't hydrated you'll get lethargic, and your head will hurt, and your eyes will hurt. And dehydration just sucks okay? And it's definitely not fun if you're trying to concentrate. Try to stay away from coffee and juices and anything likely to make your jittery. Water is probably your best bet. I drink enough tea to drown a small child.
Keep a water bottle by your computer, mine has a straw. I find myself distractedly drinking from it frequently. It's sort of like that distracted eating thing. Only it's pretty hard to drink too much water if you're using a standard water bottle.
Plus the constant pee breaks will give your brain a rest from the searching.
Tip 2: Get dressed.
Why does my advice sound so weird? Cause it is. But look. Even though you're on your computer, no one is going to see you, it's sort of a psychological thing. You've had a shower, your hair is done, you have clothes on, it's like you're going out to tackle the day, even though you're staying inside.
Staying in my pjs makes me feel like relaxing, watching a couple movies, generally lazing about. Getting dressed makes me feel I'm going to do something and I'm more likely to be productive.
I'd also suggest having clean clothes if you can. But that's not always possible. But man, pulling on a pair of jeans you know you haven't worn six ways to Sunday yet? It's a nice feeling. Sometimes I wear heels at my desk if I want to feel significantly badass.
Tip 3: Keep your space clean.
Wait, you're job hunting and now you have to clean? No. No you don't. But if you're anything like me, you're going to get distracted by the mess. Like why are those papers strewn everywhere? How long has that mug been there? Why isn't your nail file back in the bathroom where you won't lose it again?
*twitch twitch*
Look, I know your parents said "clean, don't sweep it under the bed", but if that's what you have to do temporarily to keep yourself from staring at that one lone goddamn sock by your hamper and where is it's match and why can't you find it?... Then yeah. I have a paper/pen/stuff drawer. I've thrown most everything in there and the rest in a box or closet and then shut it. Makes me less twitchy, and if my room is actually (welllll, sort of, but look, why were closets given doors then?) clean? Hell I can accomplish anything.
Tip 4: Reset your bloody homepage.
This may not be applicable to all of you, but t'hell if most of you don't need this tip. I needed this tip. You don't have to set your homepage to a job site or something. That's too guilt-inducing for me. But at least freaking Google or something. If you want to job search the worst thing to happen is opening a page and all of a sudden, BAM, Tumblr (oh Tumblr), Facebook, Youtube, what-have-you. Friends and stories and videos and doge and, and, and... And I just spent four hours (if I'm lucky) not job hunting. Fuck.
So, that's all I can think of for the most part, but I'll leave you with a bit of advice a good friend gave me years ago to help with the whole resume thing:
It is not cocky if you are as good as you say you are.
Seriously guys, don't sell yourself short. No qualification is too minor if it's job applicable. Even if it's personal. If you spend a lot of time online, you're probably good at multitasking, or have learned stuff through Wiki, Tumblr (oh for fucks sake Tumblr go away T_T), fanfiction, etc. You're an information gatherer. You are so s-m-r-t (that's a garbled Simpsons quote, not a typo).
If you feel you're talking yourself up on a resume? Good. If you have the knowledge to back up your boasting, it's not boasting. Don't feel like your job experience is less than it is. And don't feel like you're being too cocky. The point of your resume is to show an employer you're awesome. And you are. So say so on your resume.
Don't exaggerate mind you. But if you helped at home with yardwork? That means you have groundskeeping skills. Which means someone trusted you with mechanical equipment. Which means you're trustworthy and smart enough to have not lost your foot or something (if you have lost your foot though I'm very sorry, lawnmowers are terrifying beasts and serious accidents can occur, seriously, here have a cookie, I am so so sorry).
So yeah, four tips and a ramble! Ima make myself a sammich, grab some more water, and sob over Cover Letters over here in the corner okay? But I will look damn fabulous doing it in my skinny jeans and fitted sweater.
And I guess go job hunting instead of blogging, but where's the fun in that?
First things first, if you need help read this. Yes, it's long, no, it's not mine, but it's damn good advice. And the "setting limits" thing seriously helped me. And the Cover Letter help. Cause good goddamn I hate Cover Letters. I'm fabulous at writing them. I hate writing them.
So I'm mostly online searching, which can be a bitch. Because the second you get on your computer, there's Facebook, there's Tumblr (oh god Tumblr), you go to research something and get dragged into something else. It's like paper writing that ends in Wikiwandering. You're going to inevitably get distracted.
Tip 1: Stay hydrated.
No seriously. Generally when you're on a computer you ignore most regular habits like eating or drinking. I'll say eat something as well, so long as it's not distracted eating where you eat a bag of chips (unless you want to, go ahead and eat that entire bag of doritoes if it makes you feel better about having to slog through this, you've earned it).
But if you aren't hydrated you'll get lethargic, and your head will hurt, and your eyes will hurt. And dehydration just sucks okay? And it's definitely not fun if you're trying to concentrate. Try to stay away from coffee and juices and anything likely to make your jittery. Water is probably your best bet. I drink enough tea to drown a small child.
Keep a water bottle by your computer, mine has a straw. I find myself distractedly drinking from it frequently. It's sort of like that distracted eating thing. Only it's pretty hard to drink too much water if you're using a standard water bottle.
Plus the constant pee breaks will give your brain a rest from the searching.
Tip 2: Get dressed.
Why does my advice sound so weird? Cause it is. But look. Even though you're on your computer, no one is going to see you, it's sort of a psychological thing. You've had a shower, your hair is done, you have clothes on, it's like you're going out to tackle the day, even though you're staying inside.
Staying in my pjs makes me feel like relaxing, watching a couple movies, generally lazing about. Getting dressed makes me feel I'm going to do something and I'm more likely to be productive.
I'd also suggest having clean clothes if you can. But that's not always possible. But man, pulling on a pair of jeans you know you haven't worn six ways to Sunday yet? It's a nice feeling. Sometimes I wear heels at my desk if I want to feel significantly badass.
Tip 3: Keep your space clean.
Wait, you're job hunting and now you have to clean? No. No you don't. But if you're anything like me, you're going to get distracted by the mess. Like why are those papers strewn everywhere? How long has that mug been there? Why isn't your nail file back in the bathroom where you won't lose it again?
*twitch twitch*
Look, I know your parents said "clean, don't sweep it under the bed", but if that's what you have to do temporarily to keep yourself from staring at that one lone goddamn sock by your hamper and where is it's match and why can't you find it?... Then yeah. I have a paper/pen/stuff drawer. I've thrown most everything in there and the rest in a box or closet and then shut it. Makes me less twitchy, and if my room is actually (welllll, sort of, but look, why were closets given doors then?) clean? Hell I can accomplish anything.
Tip 4: Reset your bloody homepage.
This may not be applicable to all of you, but t'hell if most of you don't need this tip. I needed this tip. You don't have to set your homepage to a job site or something. That's too guilt-inducing for me. But at least freaking Google or something. If you want to job search the worst thing to happen is opening a page and all of a sudden, BAM, Tumblr (oh Tumblr), Facebook, Youtube, what-have-you. Friends and stories and videos and doge and, and, and... And I just spent four hours (if I'm lucky) not job hunting. Fuck.
So, that's all I can think of for the most part, but I'll leave you with a bit of advice a good friend gave me years ago to help with the whole resume thing:
It is not cocky if you are as good as you say you are.
Seriously guys, don't sell yourself short. No qualification is too minor if it's job applicable. Even if it's personal. If you spend a lot of time online, you're probably good at multitasking, or have learned stuff through Wiki, Tumblr (oh for fucks sake Tumblr go away T_T), fanfiction, etc. You're an information gatherer. You are so s-m-r-t (that's a garbled Simpsons quote, not a typo).
If you feel you're talking yourself up on a resume? Good. If you have the knowledge to back up your boasting, it's not boasting. Don't feel like your job experience is less than it is. And don't feel like you're being too cocky. The point of your resume is to show an employer you're awesome. And you are. So say so on your resume.
Don't exaggerate mind you. But if you helped at home with yardwork? That means you have groundskeeping skills. Which means someone trusted you with mechanical equipment. Which means you're trustworthy and smart enough to have not lost your foot or something (if you have lost your foot though I'm very sorry, lawnmowers are terrifying beasts and serious accidents can occur, seriously, here have a cookie, I am so so sorry).
So yeah, four tips and a ramble! Ima make myself a sammich, grab some more water, and sob over Cover Letters over here in the corner okay? But I will look damn fabulous doing it in my skinny jeans and fitted sweater.
And I guess go job hunting instead of blogging, but where's the fun in that?
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
My ideas on Happy Holidays (Or How I'm Probably Going To Piss People Off With This One)
So I
had someone ask why I say "Happy Holidays" if I'm in the mindset of
"take the gesture as it's meant". And I had to explain, well A) I've
worked so many bloody public/customer service jobs I just got in the
habit. Specifically when I worked at my uni's library and my uni was
hugely multi-cultural. Most of the funding came from international
students, so 60-70% of the people I saw, were not from Canada and not
Christian. Also I have a entire group of friends that are Pagan, so I
just got used to it.
B) Just because I'll take the phrase in the spirit as it's meant, doesn't mean I won't make a pointed effort to be inclusive. Not everyone celebrates Christmas, myself not being a Christian (my family is, I fell out a while back and just stick with Agnostic for those needing a definition) I feel a bit awkward saying "Merry Christmas".
I love celebrating all holidays with everyone. Celebrating others holidays is always fun and a great way to understand other's cultures/beliefs. However, I don't fault whatever holiday you say so long as you mean to wish me well. I just personally make an attempt to be all-encompassing in my well-wishes.
C) I don't know. I just feel awkward about it. While I understand everyone celebrates their own holiday, at the same time, Christmas is this huge holiday that has spread almost everywhere. We have public mandated holidays for a holiday that, well, not everyone celebrates.
I feel bad for those people that don't celebrate Christmas, but have this vacation based around a holiday/religion they're not a part of. They see big displays of it. They hear music about it (and lemme tell you, for someone not Christian or even very spiritual, most "holiday" music is awkward). From the time Thanksgiving/Halloween is over (in whichever respective country you live in), all you see/hear is Christmas. Christmas Christmas Christmas.
And it's not everyone's holiday. The idea behind Christmas is a wonderful one, don't get me wrong. Giving and well-wishes and seriously awesome food. Not a bad idea. Just, the whole thing is so commercialized, and pushy.
I wonder about other people who aren't Christian. Who's entire environment is now set up for a holiday they don't celebrate. Their workplace will also summarily be invaded. Their only freedom their house. Unless they turn on the TV or radio. Or unless you're like me and you're family is Christian. My thing is, I may not be that religious but I freakin love Christmas and giving my family gifts. Which is a bit odd because I'm actively celebrating a holiday with my family that is based around a religion I no longer follow, but c'est la vie.
But it's why it bothers me so much, these people that get up in arms about the phrase "Happy Holidays". While I understand it is "Christmas", you're basically telling these people that are forced to include your holiday into their lives, that they also have to use your terminology?
I'm sorry but I don't think that's fair.
Yes, it's considered a Christian holiday. But that just further emphasizes the point of how exclusive our calendar is. How many people celebrating Hanukkah get to have the week off? Or even a day. For crying out loud it's at the end of November this year. They don't get a holiday. They get finals. Or just work.
These people that are bitching about "Happy Holidays" just come off as privileged jerks to me.
However, I don't deny you your right to say Merry Christmas.
If you honestly and truly intend to wish me a Merry Christmas, you're wishing me a time of love and caring and joy. And I will 100% fully take that sentiment and keep it warm in my heart. I appreciate it.
The idea behind Christmas is a wonderful one. Kindness and gifts to those you love and family. Just, if you're getting pissy about someone saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Maybe consider first why this person would say Happy Holidays. In my case, I worked public service and it was my job to be inclusive. In some cases, maybe the person isn't Christian, what a concept.
But I'm sorry, when your holiday is the only one that matters in the eyes of major businesses, when your holiday invades every nook, cranny, and inch of everything, everywhere, to the point where you can't escape it, it's not fair for you to get pissy about terminology.
Your entire holiday is based on good will towards men. Maybe show it?
B) Just because I'll take the phrase in the spirit as it's meant, doesn't mean I won't make a pointed effort to be inclusive. Not everyone celebrates Christmas, myself not being a Christian (my family is, I fell out a while back and just stick with Agnostic for those needing a definition) I feel a bit awkward saying "Merry Christmas".
I love celebrating all holidays with everyone. Celebrating others holidays is always fun and a great way to understand other's cultures/beliefs. However, I don't fault whatever holiday you say so long as you mean to wish me well. I just personally make an attempt to be all-encompassing in my well-wishes.
C) I don't know. I just feel awkward about it. While I understand everyone celebrates their own holiday, at the same time, Christmas is this huge holiday that has spread almost everywhere. We have public mandated holidays for a holiday that, well, not everyone celebrates.
I feel bad for those people that don't celebrate Christmas, but have this vacation based around a holiday/religion they're not a part of. They see big displays of it. They hear music about it (and lemme tell you, for someone not Christian or even very spiritual, most "holiday" music is awkward). From the time Thanksgiving/Halloween is over (in whichever respective country you live in), all you see/hear is Christmas. Christmas Christmas Christmas.
And it's not everyone's holiday. The idea behind Christmas is a wonderful one, don't get me wrong. Giving and well-wishes and seriously awesome food. Not a bad idea. Just, the whole thing is so commercialized, and pushy.
I wonder about other people who aren't Christian. Who's entire environment is now set up for a holiday they don't celebrate. Their workplace will also summarily be invaded. Their only freedom their house. Unless they turn on the TV or radio. Or unless you're like me and you're family is Christian. My thing is, I may not be that religious but I freakin love Christmas and giving my family gifts. Which is a bit odd because I'm actively celebrating a holiday with my family that is based around a religion I no longer follow, but c'est la vie.
But it's why it bothers me so much, these people that get up in arms about the phrase "Happy Holidays". While I understand it is "Christmas", you're basically telling these people that are forced to include your holiday into their lives, that they also have to use your terminology?
I'm sorry but I don't think that's fair.
Yes, it's considered a Christian holiday. But that just further emphasizes the point of how exclusive our calendar is. How many people celebrating Hanukkah get to have the week off? Or even a day. For crying out loud it's at the end of November this year. They don't get a holiday. They get finals. Or just work.
These people that are bitching about "Happy Holidays" just come off as privileged jerks to me.
However, I don't deny you your right to say Merry Christmas.
If you honestly and truly intend to wish me a Merry Christmas, you're wishing me a time of love and caring and joy. And I will 100% fully take that sentiment and keep it warm in my heart. I appreciate it.
The idea behind Christmas is a wonderful one. Kindness and gifts to those you love and family. Just, if you're getting pissy about someone saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Maybe consider first why this person would say Happy Holidays. In my case, I worked public service and it was my job to be inclusive. In some cases, maybe the person isn't Christian, what a concept.
But I'm sorry, when your holiday is the only one that matters in the eyes of major businesses, when your holiday invades every nook, cranny, and inch of everything, everywhere, to the point where you can't escape it, it's not fair for you to get pissy about terminology.
Your entire holiday is based on good will towards men. Maybe show it?
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Relationships and Cakes (and Not Cakes)
So in thinking about relationships, I’ve realized the
problem some people have:
They’re thinking about relationships like a recipe.
See to them, there’s this sense of success with a
relationship. There’s a checklist. If you have A and then you get B and finally
hit C boom, you have a successful relationship.
So what they’re doing is spending their lives accumulating the
perfect ingredients and at the end of it, finally, they will have a perfect
cake.
And it’s only their cake that is perfect.
And that’s the problem.
What if I want to use almond milk? What about egg substitute?
Chocolate instead of vanilla?
Well then to them it’s not a proper cake. It’s not a worthwhile cake. It’s less somehow.
Well then to them it’s not a proper cake. It’s not a worthwhile cake. It’s less somehow.
And that’s the problem.
My cake is no less of a cake for not having used your
recipe. My cake is still a perfectly serviceable cake. And to me, maybe I like
my recipe better. I’m not saying your cake is bad, but I have my own recipe and
it’s tried and true and perfected. Or maybe it isn’t, but I can experiment
right? It’s my bloody cake, you’re not eating it anyway, so get out of my
kitchen.
And maybe I’ve only got a couple ingredients and I make a
smaller cake, it’s not any less tasty than yours. Maybe I don’t want to wait as
long for cake. I have enough to make a small cake and I’ll take that small cake
now, thank you. Instead of waiting around until I have all the right stuff for
a bigger “proper” cake. Maybe I won’t get the chance to have that bigger “proper”
cake. Maybe this little cake is all I’ll get, so I’ll enjoy it now while I have
the time.
And maybe I don’t want cake! Maybe I want
cupcakes! Maybe I like cupcakes better because there are more of them and they
can be individualized! Maybe I want one cupcake with chocolate icing right now,
but I might want buttercream icing later. And what if I’m just not a cake person? Maybe I want brownies!
And that’s how I see relationships. Not everyone wants your
cake. Not everyone is coveting your cake. Your cake is not the perfect cake. It
might be perfect for you, but not for me.
Maybe I have my own recipe. Maybe I want cupcakes. Maybe I want brownies.
Maybe I don’t even like sweets.
It doesn’t matter.
It’s my goddamn kitchen.
Stay out of my kitchen.
And stay out of my relationship(s).
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Taxes (AKA I Have Serious Feels About Public Education And I'm Not Really Sorry)
Taxes bother me. Not the doing them part (well no, that too), just, they don’t teach you how to do them.
Seriously, you take an average kid that hates math and force them to learn it, and really, beyond your basic math skills, no kid needs it. No kid unless they become a mathematician or a physicist or what-have-you needs math. And if they want to become these things? If they truly love math? They’ll take the courses. I took music for crying out loud and art. And those weren’t deemed ‘necessary’.
But we force kids to take courses they don’t like and don’t need.
But we don’t teach them how to do taxes.
I mean, seriously, taxes are this ridiculous, necessary evil of life and the whole goddamn world is like “Figure it out yourself. Oh you can’t? Well since you effed up, we’re just gonna take money from you for your mistake. I mean, how could you mess up filling out something WE NEVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FILL OUT? HAHAHA!”
You know who taught me how to do taxes? My mum. You know who taught me about girly things and how they do and don’t work? My sister and best friend. You know who taught me about how to make a resume and *actually* find a job and get an apartment and all these life things I needed to know? People and the internet. You know what didn’t? Public school.
You wonder why kids don’t want to sit in a desk learning a bunch of crap they don’t need when they’re well aware that absolutely everything they need to know in life they’re either going to learn from a random person in their life or the internet.
Somewhere down the line, a kid is going to be plunked down in front of a stack of papers they absolutely, 100%, *need* to fill out, and will continue having to fill out for the rest of their working lives, and they will have no fucking clue how to fill these forms out. But if they fill them out wrong, the government can take their money, or even put them in jail.
But who cares since you’re teaching them how to play Where’s Waldo with ‘x’ and ‘y’ graphs?
Seriously, you take an average kid that hates math and force them to learn it, and really, beyond your basic math skills, no kid needs it. No kid unless they become a mathematician or a physicist or what-have-you needs math. And if they want to become these things? If they truly love math? They’ll take the courses. I took music for crying out loud and art. And those weren’t deemed ‘necessary’.
But we force kids to take courses they don’t like and don’t need.
But we don’t teach them how to do taxes.
I mean, seriously, taxes are this ridiculous, necessary evil of life and the whole goddamn world is like “Figure it out yourself. Oh you can’t? Well since you effed up, we’re just gonna take money from you for your mistake. I mean, how could you mess up filling out something WE NEVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FILL OUT? HAHAHA!”
You know who taught me how to do taxes? My mum. You know who taught me about girly things and how they do and don’t work? My sister and best friend. You know who taught me about how to make a resume and *actually* find a job and get an apartment and all these life things I needed to know? People and the internet. You know what didn’t? Public school.
You wonder why kids don’t want to sit in a desk learning a bunch of crap they don’t need when they’re well aware that absolutely everything they need to know in life they’re either going to learn from a random person in their life or the internet.
Somewhere down the line, a kid is going to be plunked down in front of a stack of papers they absolutely, 100%, *need* to fill out, and will continue having to fill out for the rest of their working lives, and they will have no fucking clue how to fill these forms out. But if they fill them out wrong, the government can take their money, or even put them in jail.
But who cares since you’re teaching them how to play Where’s Waldo with ‘x’ and ‘y’ graphs?
Public Education, Post-Secondary and the Internet (Or Why The First Is Unnecessary)
Basically I’ve determined that publicly funded education teaches you things the world thinks you should know. College/University teaches you what you think you should know (which at least is your choice). And the internet teaches you what you actually need to know.
Which sure is muddled in with useless shit for the hell of it. But at least the ratio of useful to useless shit can be balanced or even positively one-sided on the internet if you choose. Whereas really, all public school taught me is that I dislike most ‘normal’ people and my self-worth is balanced with how good my marks are (determined by if my teacher likes me), and if I’ve managed to somehow understand the system of socializing to make people like me (determined by fucked if I know even now).
I’d rather spend hours reading useless things online because they make me happy, then spend another minute in an English class being told that I’m interpreting a poem wrong because it disagrees with the professors interpretation.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Reasons Why I Act The Way I Do In Conversations (And Why I'm Sorry But Not Sorry)
So I have a tumblr. If you're wondering why it's relevant, well:
I recently made the company of an absolutely fantastic woman living in New Zealand. And her and I have been chatting back and forth. Anyway, the point is, we started talking about the privacy or lack thereof of our blogs/tumblrs/what-have-you. And this explanation came to fruition on my part.
See this is the thing, since I left high school, since I finally accepted myself as pansexual (well it was bisexual, my personal definition has broadened since then, ha) I’ve also been admitting my love of slash. To people I know, to old friends, to anyone I meet. It tends to come up in conversations alongside my queer-ness and my sheer epic levels of nerd I have going on. XD
So I’m not really quiet about myself per se, but I don’t avidly promote my things on Facebook (except my blog, I promote the fuck out of my blog because I love it). It’s not a shame thing, it’s a “hey I have tumblr, but I post slash (which is men together with men if you're curious), also feminist rants and nerd-love, so if you don’t care about the slew of SteveTony I post: follow me! If you’re not comfortable with it: then that’s okay too”. Sort of a “I respect your shipping (which is romancing) of certain characters or lack thereof” kind of thing. But I've realized I do keep my tumblr on the down-low (it's here btw, fuck it I don't care anymore). So I like slash. And I'm queer. And my tumblr reflects that sometimes (all the time).
Anyway, it’s funny actually, because I have a friend who mentioned “why does you being bisexual come up in almost *every* conversation with people” and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her but I will next time it comes up that I bring it up because I want to know who is and isn’t comfortable with my lifestyle so I can not be friends with them.
It utterly fucking torturous to make friends just to realize later that they disagree with your state of being. And I think I’m going to have to tell her this, because to her it’s old hat and it’s frustrating that I keep bringing it up around everyone in every conversation. But to me it’s important.
To her it’s just the way I am, and I respect the fuck out of her for that, but for me? For me it’s always going to be this great, big, defining characteristic of my life and I want to know who truly accepts me and who doesn’t. And even the people that say they do? There’s this scared, dark part inside me that wants to be constantly reassured that no, there are people in my life that honestly don’t give a shit.
So I'm sorry but not sorry that I keep finding subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways to bring my sexuality up in almost every conversations, and I'm sorry not sorry that you feel I'm rehashing things you've already accepted, but see, here's the thing: sometimes I don't believe you. For that I am sorry. And maybe I do believe you all the time, but we're with someone else, and I don't believe them.
The reasons behind my consistent mentioning of my queerness are many and varied so I beg you to bear with me. But I'm sort of always waiting for that ultimate moment in a conversation with a relatively new person where I bring up the fact I'm queer and the look on their face? Inherently changes.
Because it happens.
And I know it's frustrating to hear me repeat myself but here's the thing: It's not about you. Deal with it.
This doesn't affect you outside of a repeated thought pattern on my part. The only way this affects you is that you have to hear me say I'm queer again.
Wanna know how it affects me? It affects me in that I have to try to find increasingly less subtle ways to bring my sexuality up in regular conversation. It affects me because I can lose a potential new friend over this.
I could lose a potential new job or opportunity.
I could utterly disgust someone.
And I want to fucking know this before I become friends with someone.
So I'm sorry not sorry. I know it's frustrating for you. But this is legitimately something you're going to have to deal with.
Because to you, it's a boring old-hat conversation, whatever. To me? This is potentially world-changing, life-shattering, consequence-bearing revelations that I absolutely positively need to know the reaction to before I interact with someone new.
Because I refuse to hide again. Pretend I don't hear the mocked slurs. Pretend it doesn't matter. It does matter to me. It is me. So I need this information. About my sexuality, and also about my love of slash.
Because slash fiction/art/life has always been inherently intwined with my life. It introduced me to my best friend. It had me surviving through a truly dark moment in my teenage years by providing me with a fun outlet with a caring support group. Plus it makes me happy. Very happy. It's introduced me to wonderful people, provided me with hours of entertainment and generally made my life a much better thing.
Maybe that doesn't seem as important as my sexuality, but to me it is. Because my love of slash is just the flipped side of the queer spectrum and guess what? I want to know that too.
I want to know if you not only accept me and my likes, but you won't mock me for shipping two men together. Because people have some strange ships in games/books/movies/etc, and mine being Steve and Tony shouldn't be any more weird than, fuck I don't know, Loki and Darcy? I haven't read/seen it personally (yet), but I know it's out there, because it's the Avengers fandom and we are many, varied, and sometimes we're just odd. Loveable all the same, but odd.
And so help me god if I never have to listen to another conversation like I did in high school about two girls being together is fine, but two men are disgusting fudgepackers, I will be fucking happy.
I don't think you understand my being queer doesn't mean I want to know you just accept me, but you accept everyone like me. And admitting my love of slash means I not only get to see if you accept my tastes, but also gay-love. So there's that. It's just as important.
And on a similar note, I'm sorry not sorry but I'll keep bringing up the fact I'm pansexual when you stop looking at me pole-axed whenever I look at a woman. Because you keep seeming to forget I'm queer. And if my admiring a woman still makes you pause for a moment while you remember I'm queer? Then I'm going to keep reminding you.
And so help me if you keep rolling your eyes whenever I admire a woman I'm gonna keep fucking mentioning it. My being queer is not this suffering thing. My being queer is not annoying or exhasperating. If you can say 'oh s/he's cute' without someone rolling their eyes? I can do the same fucking thing.
So bear with me.
Sorry not sorry.
I recently made the company of an absolutely fantastic woman living in New Zealand. And her and I have been chatting back and forth. Anyway, the point is, we started talking about the privacy or lack thereof of our blogs/tumblrs/what-have-you. And this explanation came to fruition on my part.
See this is the thing, since I left high school, since I finally accepted myself as pansexual (well it was bisexual, my personal definition has broadened since then, ha) I’ve also been admitting my love of slash. To people I know, to old friends, to anyone I meet. It tends to come up in conversations alongside my queer-ness and my sheer epic levels of nerd I have going on. XD
So I’m not really quiet about myself per se, but I don’t avidly promote my things on Facebook (except my blog, I promote the fuck out of my blog because I love it). It’s not a shame thing, it’s a “hey I have tumblr, but I post slash (which is men together with men if you're curious), also feminist rants and nerd-love, so if you don’t care about the slew of SteveTony I post: follow me! If you’re not comfortable with it: then that’s okay too”. Sort of a “I respect your shipping (which is romancing) of certain characters or lack thereof” kind of thing. But I've realized I do keep my tumblr on the down-low (it's here btw, fuck it I don't care anymore). So I like slash. And I'm queer. And my tumblr reflects that sometimes (all the time).
Anyway, it’s funny actually, because I have a friend who mentioned “why does you being bisexual come up in almost *every* conversation with people” and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her but I will next time it comes up that I bring it up because I want to know who is and isn’t comfortable with my lifestyle so I can not be friends with them.
It utterly fucking torturous to make friends just to realize later that they disagree with your state of being. And I think I’m going to have to tell her this, because to her it’s old hat and it’s frustrating that I keep bringing it up around everyone in every conversation. But to me it’s important.
To her it’s just the way I am, and I respect the fuck out of her for that, but for me? For me it’s always going to be this great, big, defining characteristic of my life and I want to know who truly accepts me and who doesn’t. And even the people that say they do? There’s this scared, dark part inside me that wants to be constantly reassured that no, there are people in my life that honestly don’t give a shit.
So I'm sorry but not sorry that I keep finding subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways to bring my sexuality up in almost every conversations, and I'm sorry not sorry that you feel I'm rehashing things you've already accepted, but see, here's the thing: sometimes I don't believe you. For that I am sorry. And maybe I do believe you all the time, but we're with someone else, and I don't believe them.
The reasons behind my consistent mentioning of my queerness are many and varied so I beg you to bear with me. But I'm sort of always waiting for that ultimate moment in a conversation with a relatively new person where I bring up the fact I'm queer and the look on their face? Inherently changes.
Because it happens.
And I know it's frustrating to hear me repeat myself but here's the thing: It's not about you. Deal with it.
This doesn't affect you outside of a repeated thought pattern on my part. The only way this affects you is that you have to hear me say I'm queer again.
Wanna know how it affects me? It affects me in that I have to try to find increasingly less subtle ways to bring my sexuality up in regular conversation. It affects me because I can lose a potential new friend over this.
I could lose a potential new job or opportunity.
I could utterly disgust someone.
And I want to fucking know this before I become friends with someone.
So I'm sorry not sorry. I know it's frustrating for you. But this is legitimately something you're going to have to deal with.
Because to you, it's a boring old-hat conversation, whatever. To me? This is potentially world-changing, life-shattering, consequence-bearing revelations that I absolutely positively need to know the reaction to before I interact with someone new.
Because I refuse to hide again. Pretend I don't hear the mocked slurs. Pretend it doesn't matter. It does matter to me. It is me. So I need this information. About my sexuality, and also about my love of slash.
Because slash fiction/art/life has always been inherently intwined with my life. It introduced me to my best friend. It had me surviving through a truly dark moment in my teenage years by providing me with a fun outlet with a caring support group. Plus it makes me happy. Very happy. It's introduced me to wonderful people, provided me with hours of entertainment and generally made my life a much better thing.
Maybe that doesn't seem as important as my sexuality, but to me it is. Because my love of slash is just the flipped side of the queer spectrum and guess what? I want to know that too.
I want to know if you not only accept me and my likes, but you won't mock me for shipping two men together. Because people have some strange ships in games/books/movies/etc, and mine being Steve and Tony shouldn't be any more weird than, fuck I don't know, Loki and Darcy? I haven't read/seen it personally (yet), but I know it's out there, because it's the Avengers fandom and we are many, varied, and sometimes we're just odd. Loveable all the same, but odd.
And so help me god if I never have to listen to another conversation like I did in high school about two girls being together is fine, but two men are disgusting fudgepackers, I will be fucking happy.
I don't think you understand my being queer doesn't mean I want to know you just accept me, but you accept everyone like me. And admitting my love of slash means I not only get to see if you accept my tastes, but also gay-love. So there's that. It's just as important.
And on a similar note, I'm sorry not sorry but I'll keep bringing up the fact I'm pansexual when you stop looking at me pole-axed whenever I look at a woman. Because you keep seeming to forget I'm queer. And if my admiring a woman still makes you pause for a moment while you remember I'm queer? Then I'm going to keep reminding you.
And so help me if you keep rolling your eyes whenever I admire a woman I'm gonna keep fucking mentioning it. My being queer is not this suffering thing. My being queer is not annoying or exhasperating. If you can say 'oh s/he's cute' without someone rolling their eyes? I can do the same fucking thing.
So bear with me.
Sorry not sorry.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Positive Confidence (or how an article caused me to rant... again)
So I was reading this article and felt the need to comment as I'm prone to do.
Okay so while I understand the general gist behind this article and approve of a fair bit, I have some serious issues with some of the points made.
The points I agree with:
1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong.
I like this. People that are positively confident are not afraid to speak out and be proven wrong sometimes. Learning experiences ftw!
4. They freely ask for help.
Ask for help. Yes. Please. Always. It is not a bad thing to ask for help. And even if you know how to do a job, doesn't mean someone else hasn't figured out a more efficient way. Or you might just save some time and make a new friend by asking around. Help is not a crutch. Getting help is not a weakness.
5. They think, “Why not me?”
To be promoted or discovered or get what you want in life you have to work your butt off and promote yourself. Get out there and be positive, and don't wait around for the magic moment. Make it.
6. They don't put down other people.
Gossip kills. It really does. It's painful to others and if you're not enough of a good person to care about that, then consider this: it makes you look bad too. If you're constantly bad-mouthing people it doesn't make you very liked. Maybe you don't have to be liked in your life, but not being seen as a berk has it's benefits.
7. They aren’t afraid to look silly…
Don't be afraid to look silly. I've had the most fun in my life doing utterly ridiculous things. If you're in a flash mob, dance like a crazy person, if you're helping with a charity, wear funny face paint, smile for people, look like a fool. People appreciate someone that can enjoy life. Well, most people. And acting silly can be fun. Don't be afraid to do silly things. Stick your tongue out in photos, it'll make good memories later. Laughter is a wonderful thing.
8. … And they own their mistakes.
Admit when you're wrong. Goodness yes. We don't learn without mistakes. And we don't make mistakes without trying. So don't be afraid to try things and fuck up. You'll know better next time (hopefully). Take every embarrassing, horrible moment in your life and find the life-lesson within.
Admit you're wrong and you're admitting you're ignorant. You lack knowledge. And there is someone there to help you. You can be informed and next time not be wrong. Don't choose to be consistently wrong to save face. It's far more terrible to know you're wrong and continue in error, then take five minutes of embarrassment and learn something new.
9. They only seek approval from the people who really matter.
Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those that mind don't matter. And those that matter don't mind. - Dr. Suess
Don't care what terrible people say. If they're right, then accept it and move on. But don't take every hateful reprimand from every low-lying jerk-off to heart. There is a reason for what you believe and what you say. If you aren't wrong, don't pretend like you are to have more friends. If you're wrong but they're still cruel, admit you're wrong and move on from that problem, and from them.
Don't keep people around that are hurtful. They aren't worth your time and you can't please everybody.
The points I disagree with:
2. They listen ten times more than they speak.
Confident people are quiet and unassuming?
I'm sorry I have a problem with this. Certainly you should always make a point to listen to people, but exactly when did it become an issue to be communicative? Why in the ever living fuck do I have to be quiet to be confident? Am I any less a positive confident person by talking a lot? Why am I not allowed to share experiences? I don't think I should be taking over a conversation but why the hell can't it be equal? Why do I have to listen more than I speak? Why can't speaking and listening be on the same level? I don't believe talking is a bad thing.
Why, to be confident, am I not allowed to be communicative? Or at the very least have to stifle my communication. No I don't think everything I say is important, but neither is everything that other people say and I should be allowed the time to say profound things as well as stupid things.
At the same time, yes, I should listen to people, but I should have the sense of peace knowing they will do the same for me.
3. They duck the spotlight so it shines on others.
Do the bulk of the work, overcome the obstacles, but let other people take the credit is what I'm hearing.
I'm not a fucking doormat.
Fuck you no. I am not any less confident for expecting fucking credit for my work. I am proud of my accomplishments and I don't need other's approval, but so help me fucking god if I pulled my weight I deserve equal fucking credit.
Do you have any idea what you accomplish when you never take credit for the sweat, blood, and tears you pore into a work? Nothing. I know this from experience. Hell, even if you do get credit sometimes other mitigating factors (queer, woman) fuck you over. But I still deserve the respect to be appreciated by my peers.
I'm not saying to not let others have their moment of glory. If they deserve it beautiful. But, and here's the thing, you deserve it too. If you worked on a group project, stand there proudly with your group. Don't lurk in the shadows content with being unseen. You did the work, you're allowed to take fucking credit for it.
5. Very quietly, without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
Umm excuse me but isn't this contradictory? You legitimatedly cannot build a business or promote yourself quietly. It doesn't work that way. If you want to connect with people and attract funding you have to put yourself out there. Saying to take advantage of social media and contact people, but in the same time saying to do it without calling attention on your needs? Is pretty contradictory.
So it's about half and half my pros and cons on this list. But my cons are pretty important to me.
I don't have to be quiet to be positively confident. I don't have to let others take credit for my work. I don't have to hide in the shadows.
The rest however, is still decent advice.
Okay so while I understand the general gist behind this article and approve of a fair bit, I have some serious issues with some of the points made.
The points I agree with:
1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong.
I like this. People that are positively confident are not afraid to speak out and be proven wrong sometimes. Learning experiences ftw!
4. They freely ask for help.
Ask for help. Yes. Please. Always. It is not a bad thing to ask for help. And even if you know how to do a job, doesn't mean someone else hasn't figured out a more efficient way. Or you might just save some time and make a new friend by asking around. Help is not a crutch. Getting help is not a weakness.
5. They think, “Why not me?”
To be promoted or discovered or get what you want in life you have to work your butt off and promote yourself. Get out there and be positive, and don't wait around for the magic moment. Make it.
6. They don't put down other people.
Gossip kills. It really does. It's painful to others and if you're not enough of a good person to care about that, then consider this: it makes you look bad too. If you're constantly bad-mouthing people it doesn't make you very liked. Maybe you don't have to be liked in your life, but not being seen as a berk has it's benefits.
7. They aren’t afraid to look silly…
Don't be afraid to look silly. I've had the most fun in my life doing utterly ridiculous things. If you're in a flash mob, dance like a crazy person, if you're helping with a charity, wear funny face paint, smile for people, look like a fool. People appreciate someone that can enjoy life. Well, most people. And acting silly can be fun. Don't be afraid to do silly things. Stick your tongue out in photos, it'll make good memories later. Laughter is a wonderful thing.
8. … And they own their mistakes.
Admit when you're wrong. Goodness yes. We don't learn without mistakes. And we don't make mistakes without trying. So don't be afraid to try things and fuck up. You'll know better next time (hopefully). Take every embarrassing, horrible moment in your life and find the life-lesson within.
Admit you're wrong and you're admitting you're ignorant. You lack knowledge. And there is someone there to help you. You can be informed and next time not be wrong. Don't choose to be consistently wrong to save face. It's far more terrible to know you're wrong and continue in error, then take five minutes of embarrassment and learn something new.
9. They only seek approval from the people who really matter.
Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those that mind don't matter. And those that matter don't mind. - Dr. Suess
Don't care what terrible people say. If they're right, then accept it and move on. But don't take every hateful reprimand from every low-lying jerk-off to heart. There is a reason for what you believe and what you say. If you aren't wrong, don't pretend like you are to have more friends. If you're wrong but they're still cruel, admit you're wrong and move on from that problem, and from them.
Don't keep people around that are hurtful. They aren't worth your time and you can't please everybody.
The points I disagree with:
2. They listen ten times more than they speak.
Confident people are quiet and unassuming?
I'm sorry I have a problem with this. Certainly you should always make a point to listen to people, but exactly when did it become an issue to be communicative? Why in the ever living fuck do I have to be quiet to be confident? Am I any less a positive confident person by talking a lot? Why am I not allowed to share experiences? I don't think I should be taking over a conversation but why the hell can't it be equal? Why do I have to listen more than I speak? Why can't speaking and listening be on the same level? I don't believe talking is a bad thing.
Why, to be confident, am I not allowed to be communicative? Or at the very least have to stifle my communication. No I don't think everything I say is important, but neither is everything that other people say and I should be allowed the time to say profound things as well as stupid things.
At the same time, yes, I should listen to people, but I should have the sense of peace knowing they will do the same for me.
3. They duck the spotlight so it shines on others.
Do the bulk of the work, overcome the obstacles, but let other people take the credit is what I'm hearing.
I'm not a fucking doormat.
Fuck you no. I am not any less confident for expecting fucking credit for my work. I am proud of my accomplishments and I don't need other's approval, but so help me fucking god if I pulled my weight I deserve equal fucking credit.
Do you have any idea what you accomplish when you never take credit for the sweat, blood, and tears you pore into a work? Nothing. I know this from experience. Hell, even if you do get credit sometimes other mitigating factors (queer, woman) fuck you over. But I still deserve the respect to be appreciated by my peers.
I'm not saying to not let others have their moment of glory. If they deserve it beautiful. But, and here's the thing, you deserve it too. If you worked on a group project, stand there proudly with your group. Don't lurk in the shadows content with being unseen. You did the work, you're allowed to take fucking credit for it.
5. Very quietly, without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
Umm excuse me but isn't this contradictory? You legitimatedly cannot build a business or promote yourself quietly. It doesn't work that way. If you want to connect with people and attract funding you have to put yourself out there. Saying to take advantage of social media and contact people, but in the same time saying to do it without calling attention on your needs? Is pretty contradictory.
So it's about half and half my pros and cons on this list. But my cons are pretty important to me.
I don't have to be quiet to be positively confident. I don't have to let others take credit for my work. I don't have to hide in the shadows.
The rest however, is still decent advice.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Mental Disorders: Over- and Under-Evaluated
A.K.A. I'm too tired to think of a clever title and that's actually the reason why I'm writing this.
A.K.A. I may or may not have Depression but I do hang around with people with mental disorders so I'm posting this anyway and if you think I don't have enough personal experience well that's your opinion.
A.K.A. I may or may not have Depression but I do hang around with people with mental disorders so I'm posting this anyway and if you think I don't have enough personal experience well that's your opinion.
Hey look, here’s me blogging when I should be studying for
my exam tonight, what else is new?
Right so I’m maybe not the most qualified to talk about
these things, but I figured it needed to be said.
Depression runs in my family. I’ve never been formally
diagnosed, but I’m thinking I might take the steps to get it checked out and it’s
mostly because of this reason: I’ve been having a wretched week in terms of
sleep. Only it’s been over-sleeping on my part, not under-sleeping which is the
norm. I’ve had problems sleeping for ages, but insomnia wasn’t really a good
term for it since sometimes I sleep too much. And then I did research. Turns
out over- and under-sleeping are both symptoms of depression. So that’s one
question solved. But the thing is. See this interesting thing? It’s still depression.
Funny enough, depression is not this lovely little box term
to describe hey sometimes I’m sad, whoop.
There are a lot of other symptoms and a lot of other issues involved.
And hey, even if I don’t have depression (or if it’s not
what’s causing my sleep issues) I still feel like this needs to be said:
I think we simultaneously pay too much and too little
attention to mental disorders.
On the one side, people don’t pay enough attention, because
many people with disorders are not medicated properly, or they aren’t taken
care of properly. Sometimes someone with depression needs help, and sometimes they
really just can’t function around people. If you don’t respect the person with
the disorder enough to determine when they actually need social contact, and
when they don’t, then you really shouldn’t be around them. Someone with
depression or social anxiety? Sometimes social interaction is not the solution. Certainly don’t leave
someone alone that needs help, but sometimes people need alone time.
Does this sound difficult to determine? It is. It really is.
But this is your friend/family member/partner. It’s sort of your responsibility
to at least make the attempt. And if you don’t want to put that much effort in,
then walk off. If you don’t want to put that much effort in, you’re just
hurting the person. Someone with a disorder needs helpful people, if you don’t
think you can be that person, then don’t try to be. Sorry. You may want to
help, but you’re just making it worse. It’s a lot of fucking work helping
someone with a disorder, visible or not, that’s a fact of life. If you’re not
up to it, that’s fine, not everyone is, but sticking around without knowing
what you’re doing is only exacerbating the problem.
And on the other side: paying too much attention.
See here’s the thing. You don’t want to tell someone you
have depression. Especially in my case where I’m not medically diagnosed but I
probably have a small strain of it. To label myself as having depression may
not be entirely accurate and could lead to a lot of judgement if it turns out
that’s not the reason for my sleep issues. Certainly I have bad days that are
also likely a symptom, but the sleep thing? Could be something as simple as a
vitamin deficiency. Or possibly anemia. Who the hell knows (and that’s why I’m
making an appointment for bloodwork). But either way, telling someone you have/think
you have depression? Usually doesn’t end well. And here’s the reason why.
The second you tell someone you have depression, or any sort
of mental disorder. They start treating you differently. All of a sudden
everything you do is because of this disorder. Are you angry? Depression. Are
you sad? Depression.
And this is really fucking annoying.
All right, related example? I’m a woman. Do you know how
annoying it is every time I get frustrated for someone to assume I’m on my
period? That’s really not a woman’s only reason for being emotional. I’m
allowed to be emotional and not be on my period. And it’s the same with mental
disorders.
I’m sorry but just because a person has a mental disorder doesn’t
mean that’s the reasoning for every. fucking. thing. they. do.
Sometimes you have good days. Sometimes you have bad days. And sometimes this has nothing to do with
your fucking depression. Sometimes you wake up late, burn your toast, and
your car won’t start. This has nothing to do with a mental disorder. You’ve
just had a bad fucking day. Everyone has them.
The second you tell someone you have a mental disorder, you
are no longer a whole, complete person. You are a fragment. Everything about
you is held together by your disorder and everything you do is defined by your
disorder. You become your disorder.
And this is fucking bullshit.
Whether I have a disorder or not is yet to be determined,
but it pisses me off to see other people with disorders where every emotional
reaction they have is analyzed by their disorder. People are allowed to be sad
or angry without it having to do with their disorder. Human beings are capable
of an absolutely beautiful eclectic series of emotions and expressing them
shouldn’t be a bad thing.
And in the same turn, sometimes you can be sad for no
reason. As much as it’s an odd thought, sometimes someone is sad for no reason.
They could have gotten a puppy, got a new partner, won a gift basket,
what-have-you, and they’ll still be sad. That happens too.
Like I said, it’s confusing as fuck, and I’m sorry. But it’s
confusing for the person too. And if you can’t handle that, then stay away. But
don’t avoid someone outright just because they have a disorder.
Ugh, so basically, a person is not their disorder
wholeheartedly, but it is still a part of them. People with disorders can be
confusing, and dual-minded, and happy/sad/angry/confused, and this could all
switch in a moment. And it sucks. But that’s life. And it’s especially their life. Not yours. And your
judgement doesn’t help. Either try to be that positive/helpful person in their
life, or don’t be a person in their life. If you only want to be around someone
when they’re happy, then you’re not a very good friend.
People are sad sometimes, angry sometimes, and happy
sometimes. To be happy all the time isn’t normal, certainly more happy than not
is ideal, but if you don’t want to be friends with someone just because they’re
sad? That’s not fair. But it’s probably for the best. It’s better for the person
if you just leave.
I admit it’s hard to help someone with a disorder. If you
don’t think you can handle them, you probably can’t. And sticking around doesn’t
help anyone. But don’t decide to stay around when you want to, when the person
is ‘normal’, because that isn’t fair. It’s not helpful to tell someone ‘you
have a disorder and that’s why I’m avoiding you’. You’ve chosen to be around this person. This means you’ve chosen to stay with them. With all of them. The day you can’t handle
it? It’s better in the long run for everyone involved if you just walk off.
Sounds mean, sounds bitchy, but it’s true. You don’t help
anyone by not accepting everything they are.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Why I Don't Want Kids and Why I Don't Understand Why Other People Have Them
“And if a woman should say she doesn’t want to
have children at all, the world is apt to go decidedly peculiar:
‘Ooooh, don’t speak too soon,’ it will say - as if knowing whether or
not you’re the kind of person who desires to make a whole other human
being in your guts, out of sex and food, then have the rest of your life
revolve around its welfare, is a breezy, ‘Hey - whevs’ decision. Like
electing to have a picnic on an unexpectedly sunny day or changing the
background picture on your desktop. ‘When you meet the right man, you’ll
change your mind, dear,’ the world will say, with an odd, aggressive
smugness.”
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman
So this is what got me thinking today, instead of studying for my exam. I think of the most fascinating things through procrastination. Anyway, it got me thinking:
I don't really want kids.
Or no, let me rephrase, the circumstances under which I would even consider having a child are so rare and unlikely to occur that the chances of me having a child are slim. So I suppose I'm not saying I wouldn't ever have a child, but it's very unlikely.
I am a rather selfish human being. I am also multi-verted. I'm quite social, I like going out and talking to people and basking in their ideas and energies. Some nights I want nothing more than to go out to a club and dance with strangers and soak in the energy. And other (most) nights I want to stay home, read fanfiction/books with headphones in, sing to myself, dance like a crazy person by myself, and generally say fuck the world in general.
I am a libra and though I put very little stock in things like astronomy I am very much a creature of duality. I am an opposing being. I am queer. I am attracted to different people and genders (cis or trans) and personalities depending on the day.
But generally, I am a very selfish creature. I love helping people, but when I choose to. I love helping people but it is not my permanent state of being, and I like being able to be alone when I choose. That is one of the main reasons I do not want children.
I'm quite good with children actually. My sister is amazed how opposed I am to the idea of my own child since I am fantastic with my younger cousins and other kids. I'm very exciteable, very high-energy, I don't talk down to them, I treat all children as the bright shining lights of potential and genius they are. Children are smart. Just because they decide to do something you think is stupid doesn't mean they're stupid. The kid who eats sand or glue isn't stupid, they're just curious. And that's not a bad thing. You just have to make sure their curiosity is not harmful to them and other than that, if it's not hurting anyone what does it really matter if they decide to paint their own hair blue? Sure it's a bitch to get out, but if it ends in you shaving their head, well then they're gonna learn not to do it again aren't they?
I'm sorry, but we are creatures of trial and error. It didn't matter how many times your parents told you not to stick a fork in the electrical socket, you tried to do it anyway didn't you? Or something equal to that nature. Don't eat sand. Don't eat grass. Don't ride a bike without a helmut. Don't touch the hot stove. You're going to do stupid shit as a kid. You did stupid shit as a kid. So don't judge kids for doing other stupid shit.
This is why I'm good with kids. So long as it doesn't hurt them, I'll let them explore and try stuff. It might mean me cleaning up but then I get to teach them how to clean up their own messes as well. And besides, the first time they decide to run around the house and break something, the disappointed talk is usually a good deterrent for later on. Disappointed talks from authority figures are psychological warfare to children. I'm not kidding. I was never physically disciplined a day in my life. It was unnecessary. My parents being disappointed was so much worse. I would've preferred yelling over that. The guilt. Oh my god the guilt. Psychological goddamn warfare.
I mean sure, don't let them somersault off a couch and break their arm or something. You have to set certain boundaries, but you have to try and explain it in a way that doesn't sound like "I'm the adult and you're the stupid kid so you'll listen to me because I tell you to".
I don't know about you, but I don't tend to listen to people telling me that now, and I'm 22, let alone when I was a kid.
People don't like to be told what to do without damn good reasons. And children are people. Yeah, they're tiny, yeah, they're not as learned as you, but they're not stupid. Kids are smart, they learn, they just need more experience. And that is your job. You're there to teach them. Not to be a stuck-up prig because you're the mature one. Screw maturity. It's overrated.
This is also why I'm good with kids. I'll get down in the mud and play with them. Get paint on my face and under my fingernails. Run around like a crazy person. Kids love that. And generally speaking they listen to me more because if I'm willing to get down in the dirt with them, I'm likely to listen and not judge them. No one wants to be judged, especially not kids.
But I still don't want children.
Why? I'm still selfish. Once I've run around like a crazy person and I'm tired, I'm done. I no longer want to play. Then I hand the kids back to the parents and go read a book or something. I only have a set amount of energy to give people on a regular basis. The nice thing about other people's kids is I can give them back when I'm done. I couldn't do this with my own kid.
Second reason? I don't have the time. And I probably never will.
At the moment I'm a graduating student. I don't have a permanent job, I don't have a spouse, or even a partner, I don't have a house or permanent address. I'm still trying to get my shit together. At some point if I ever do get my shit together, I'm a musician. I'll be more broke than not and won't be around a lot. I'll be working my ass off and when I'm not working, I'll be networking. I don't have time for a partner right now, let alone a kid.
I'm aware circumstances could change. This happens to a lot of people. Sometimes, the birth control doesn't work (and sometimes the company flubs the pills and doesn't tell you right away), sometimes the condom breaks, sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you don't have control.
The rest of time? You do. You have control over these things. You can control if you have a family or not. Very often people make a conscience decision to have children. That is a decision I have decided against.
And good god do I ever have to explain myself when I say this.
Consistently I am told "oh I said that too" "oh you'll change your mind" "wait til you meet the right person". Well you know what? Maybe I'm not the right person for children. Maybe I'm not ready or prepared or really willing to have children. And should that someday change, fine. But to stand there and pretend you understand me, my nature, my life, better than I do? To stand there smugly and insist I have no idea what I'm talking about just because you seem to think you're so much more experience than I am?
I feel sorry for your children. Do you treat them that way as well? Do you treat them as though they know nothing and you know everything? You must be a pretty awful parent. And if you don't treat your children that way, then stop treating me that way. I deserve just as much respect and consideration as your kids.
I don't want children and that is what I say. It is what I believe and no amount of smug superiority on your case will convince me otherwise. If I decide otherwise it will be because I decide. But because you seem to think I don't understand my life, let me tell you something.
I am broke.
I am busy
I am selfish.
Children are expensive.
Children are time-consuming.
Children are needy.
I will most likely not have children because of the person I am at heart. I may grow in ten years to find myself a different person and decide then I am ready. But the person I am now is not ready or prepared or willing to have children.
I grew up with parents that worked their asses off and summarily weren't there for a lot of my childhood or my sister's. We've both grown with the mindset that unless we have time to commit to a family, we will not have one. We both don't have the time right now. Though besides that in general, she still wants a family at the end of the day, and I don't. But even ignoring that, we need time.
I don't have the time and likely never will, to commit at least 18 years to the growth and development of a bright, shining, ball of perfect potential.
I want a hedgehog.
Now you're asking yourself, how the hell is that relevant? Well it's relevant because I don't have one. And how is that relevant? Well here's the reasons:
Hedgehogs/pets are a lot of work. They have to be fed, they have to be loved and snuggled and taken care of, and without the proper care and attention they will waste away and die. They're like birds. Or fish. Attention required. I might get a cat someday but they are much more solitary creatures and I am aware I could leave it on it's own for long periods of time, which I would do. Because I have to. Broke, busy, etc.
So I understand most people aren't hedgehog people, so let's go with a more well-known animal: a dog.
So here is my question. Would you get a dog, knowing you wouldn't be there all the time to feed it? You wouldn't be there to house-train it? You wouldn't be there all the time to walk it? You wouldn't be there all the time to pet and kiss and hug and love it and give it the affection it deserves?
So why would you have a child?
The goddamn people wandering around telling me that I'll change my mind someday, are sometimes the people who's kids spend more time at school and at the babysitters than with their parents. And certainly, quality of time over quantity, but honestly, unless circumstances screwed you over, exactly why did you have a kid knowing you wouldn't have time for them? I don't care if you have a busy job, you're working, you don't have the time. You knew this before you decided to brood. You knew this. You were well aware you were already busy. You're allowed to work, but make sure you're still there for your kid more often than not.
Is our idea of a proper lifestyle so intwined with the idea of children that people who aren't equipped to have children are having them? Really, why did you have a child if you don't have time to take care of them?
What, you wanted kids? Yeah, well I really want a fucking hedgehog. I'm mature enough to admit I don't have the fucking time.
We are people who put more bloody consideration into getting a pet, than having a child. That's disgusting.
So bugger off. I don't want kids. I don't have time for them. I don't want kids. And I don't want a dog either. They're all technically animals at the end of the day. They involve the same amount of work and time and maintenance and that you likely consider your dog's well-being more than your child's is thoroughly disturbing to me.
So bugger off with your high-brow smug sense of superiority. I think I have my priorities figured better than you do.
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman
So this is what got me thinking today, instead of studying for my exam. I think of the most fascinating things through procrastination. Anyway, it got me thinking:
I don't really want kids.
Or no, let me rephrase, the circumstances under which I would even consider having a child are so rare and unlikely to occur that the chances of me having a child are slim. So I suppose I'm not saying I wouldn't ever have a child, but it's very unlikely.
I am a rather selfish human being. I am also multi-verted. I'm quite social, I like going out and talking to people and basking in their ideas and energies. Some nights I want nothing more than to go out to a club and dance with strangers and soak in the energy. And other (most) nights I want to stay home, read fanfiction/books with headphones in, sing to myself, dance like a crazy person by myself, and generally say fuck the world in general.
I am a libra and though I put very little stock in things like astronomy I am very much a creature of duality. I am an opposing being. I am queer. I am attracted to different people and genders (cis or trans) and personalities depending on the day.
But generally, I am a very selfish creature. I love helping people, but when I choose to. I love helping people but it is not my permanent state of being, and I like being able to be alone when I choose. That is one of the main reasons I do not want children.
I'm quite good with children actually. My sister is amazed how opposed I am to the idea of my own child since I am fantastic with my younger cousins and other kids. I'm very exciteable, very high-energy, I don't talk down to them, I treat all children as the bright shining lights of potential and genius they are. Children are smart. Just because they decide to do something you think is stupid doesn't mean they're stupid. The kid who eats sand or glue isn't stupid, they're just curious. And that's not a bad thing. You just have to make sure their curiosity is not harmful to them and other than that, if it's not hurting anyone what does it really matter if they decide to paint their own hair blue? Sure it's a bitch to get out, but if it ends in you shaving their head, well then they're gonna learn not to do it again aren't they?
I'm sorry, but we are creatures of trial and error. It didn't matter how many times your parents told you not to stick a fork in the electrical socket, you tried to do it anyway didn't you? Or something equal to that nature. Don't eat sand. Don't eat grass. Don't ride a bike without a helmut. Don't touch the hot stove. You're going to do stupid shit as a kid. You did stupid shit as a kid. So don't judge kids for doing other stupid shit.
This is why I'm good with kids. So long as it doesn't hurt them, I'll let them explore and try stuff. It might mean me cleaning up but then I get to teach them how to clean up their own messes as well. And besides, the first time they decide to run around the house and break something, the disappointed talk is usually a good deterrent for later on. Disappointed talks from authority figures are psychological warfare to children. I'm not kidding. I was never physically disciplined a day in my life. It was unnecessary. My parents being disappointed was so much worse. I would've preferred yelling over that. The guilt. Oh my god the guilt. Psychological goddamn warfare.
I mean sure, don't let them somersault off a couch and break their arm or something. You have to set certain boundaries, but you have to try and explain it in a way that doesn't sound like "I'm the adult and you're the stupid kid so you'll listen to me because I tell you to".
I don't know about you, but I don't tend to listen to people telling me that now, and I'm 22, let alone when I was a kid.
People don't like to be told what to do without damn good reasons. And children are people. Yeah, they're tiny, yeah, they're not as learned as you, but they're not stupid. Kids are smart, they learn, they just need more experience. And that is your job. You're there to teach them. Not to be a stuck-up prig because you're the mature one. Screw maturity. It's overrated.
This is also why I'm good with kids. I'll get down in the mud and play with them. Get paint on my face and under my fingernails. Run around like a crazy person. Kids love that. And generally speaking they listen to me more because if I'm willing to get down in the dirt with them, I'm likely to listen and not judge them. No one wants to be judged, especially not kids.
But I still don't want children.
Why? I'm still selfish. Once I've run around like a crazy person and I'm tired, I'm done. I no longer want to play. Then I hand the kids back to the parents and go read a book or something. I only have a set amount of energy to give people on a regular basis. The nice thing about other people's kids is I can give them back when I'm done. I couldn't do this with my own kid.
Second reason? I don't have the time. And I probably never will.
At the moment I'm a graduating student. I don't have a permanent job, I don't have a spouse, or even a partner, I don't have a house or permanent address. I'm still trying to get my shit together. At some point if I ever do get my shit together, I'm a musician. I'll be more broke than not and won't be around a lot. I'll be working my ass off and when I'm not working, I'll be networking. I don't have time for a partner right now, let alone a kid.
I'm aware circumstances could change. This happens to a lot of people. Sometimes, the birth control doesn't work (and sometimes the company flubs the pills and doesn't tell you right away), sometimes the condom breaks, sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you don't have control.
The rest of time? You do. You have control over these things. You can control if you have a family or not. Very often people make a conscience decision to have children. That is a decision I have decided against.
And good god do I ever have to explain myself when I say this.
Consistently I am told "oh I said that too" "oh you'll change your mind" "wait til you meet the right person". Well you know what? Maybe I'm not the right person for children. Maybe I'm not ready or prepared or really willing to have children. And should that someday change, fine. But to stand there and pretend you understand me, my nature, my life, better than I do? To stand there smugly and insist I have no idea what I'm talking about just because you seem to think you're so much more experience than I am?
I feel sorry for your children. Do you treat them that way as well? Do you treat them as though they know nothing and you know everything? You must be a pretty awful parent. And if you don't treat your children that way, then stop treating me that way. I deserve just as much respect and consideration as your kids.
I don't want children and that is what I say. It is what I believe and no amount of smug superiority on your case will convince me otherwise. If I decide otherwise it will be because I decide. But because you seem to think I don't understand my life, let me tell you something.
I am broke.
I am busy
I am selfish.
Children are expensive.
Children are time-consuming.
Children are needy.
I will most likely not have children because of the person I am at heart. I may grow in ten years to find myself a different person and decide then I am ready. But the person I am now is not ready or prepared or willing to have children.
I grew up with parents that worked their asses off and summarily weren't there for a lot of my childhood or my sister's. We've both grown with the mindset that unless we have time to commit to a family, we will not have one. We both don't have the time right now. Though besides that in general, she still wants a family at the end of the day, and I don't. But even ignoring that, we need time.
I don't have the time and likely never will, to commit at least 18 years to the growth and development of a bright, shining, ball of perfect potential.
I want a hedgehog.
Now you're asking yourself, how the hell is that relevant? Well it's relevant because I don't have one. And how is that relevant? Well here's the reasons:
Hedgehogs/pets are a lot of work. They have to be fed, they have to be loved and snuggled and taken care of, and without the proper care and attention they will waste away and die. They're like birds. Or fish. Attention required. I might get a cat someday but they are much more solitary creatures and I am aware I could leave it on it's own for long periods of time, which I would do. Because I have to. Broke, busy, etc.
So I understand most people aren't hedgehog people, so let's go with a more well-known animal: a dog.
So here is my question. Would you get a dog, knowing you wouldn't be there all the time to feed it? You wouldn't be there to house-train it? You wouldn't be there all the time to walk it? You wouldn't be there all the time to pet and kiss and hug and love it and give it the affection it deserves?
So why would you have a child?
The goddamn people wandering around telling me that I'll change my mind someday, are sometimes the people who's kids spend more time at school and at the babysitters than with their parents. And certainly, quality of time over quantity, but honestly, unless circumstances screwed you over, exactly why did you have a kid knowing you wouldn't have time for them? I don't care if you have a busy job, you're working, you don't have the time. You knew this before you decided to brood. You knew this. You were well aware you were already busy. You're allowed to work, but make sure you're still there for your kid more often than not.
Is our idea of a proper lifestyle so intwined with the idea of children that people who aren't equipped to have children are having them? Really, why did you have a child if you don't have time to take care of them?
What, you wanted kids? Yeah, well I really want a fucking hedgehog. I'm mature enough to admit I don't have the fucking time.
We are people who put more bloody consideration into getting a pet, than having a child. That's disgusting.
So bugger off. I don't want kids. I don't have time for them. I don't want kids. And I don't want a dog either. They're all technically animals at the end of the day. They involve the same amount of work and time and maintenance and that you likely consider your dog's well-being more than your child's is thoroughly disturbing to me.
So bugger off with your high-brow smug sense of superiority. I think I have my priorities figured better than you do.
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