Reasons Why I Act The Way I Do In Conversations (And Why I'm Sorry But Not Sorry)

So I have a tumblr. If you're wondering why it's relevant, well:

I recently made the company of an absolutely fantastic woman living in New Zealand. And her and I have been chatting back and forth. Anyway, the point is, we started talking about the privacy or lack thereof of our blogs/tumblrs/what-have-you. And this explanation came to fruition on my part.

See this is the thing, since I left high school, since I finally accepted myself as pansexual (well it was bisexual, my personal definition has broadened since then, ha) I’ve also been admitting my love of slash. To people I know, to old friends, to anyone I meet. It tends to come up in conversations alongside my queer-ness and my sheer epic levels of nerd I have going on. XD

So I’m not really quiet about myself per se, but I don’t avidly promote my things on Facebook (except my blog, I promote the fuck out of my blog because I love it). It’s not a shame thing, it’s a “hey I have tumblr, but I post slash (which is men together with men if you're curious), also feminist rants and nerd-love, so if you don’t care about the slew of SteveTony I post: follow me! If you’re not comfortable with it: then that’s okay too”. Sort of a “I respect your shipping (which is romancing) of certain characters or lack thereof” kind of thing. But I've realized I do keep my tumblr on the down-low (it's here btw, fuck it I don't care anymore). So I like slash. And I'm queer. And my tumblr reflects that sometimes (all the time).

Anyway, it’s funny actually, because I have a friend who mentioned “why does you being bisexual come up in almost *every* conversation with people” and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her but I will next time it comes up that I bring it up because I want to know who is and isn’t comfortable with my lifestyle so I can not be friends with them.

It utterly fucking torturous to make friends just to realize later that they disagree with your state of being. And I think I’m going to have to tell her this, because to her it’s old hat and it’s frustrating that I keep bringing it up around everyone in every conversation. But to me it’s important.

To her it’s just the way I am, and I respect the fuck out of her for that, but for me? For me it’s always going to be this great, big, defining characteristic of my life and I want to know who truly accepts me and who doesn’t. And even the people that say they do? There’s this scared, dark part inside me that wants to be constantly reassured that no, there are people in my life that honestly don’t give a shit.

So I'm sorry but not sorry that I keep finding subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways to bring my sexuality up in almost every conversations, and I'm sorry not sorry that you feel I'm rehashing things you've already accepted, but see, here's the thing: sometimes I don't believe you. For that I am sorry. And maybe I do believe you all the time, but we're with someone else, and I don't believe them.

The reasons behind my consistent mentioning of my queerness are many and varied so I beg you to bear with me. But I'm sort of always waiting for that ultimate moment in a conversation with a relatively new person where I bring up the fact I'm queer and the look on their face? Inherently changes.

Because it happens.

And I know it's frustrating to hear me repeat myself but here's the thing: It's not about you. Deal with it.

This doesn't affect you outside of a repeated thought pattern on my part. The only way this affects you is that you have to hear me say I'm queer again.

Wanna know how it affects me? It affects me in that I have to try to find increasingly less subtle ways to bring my sexuality up in regular conversation. It affects me because I can lose a potential new friend over this.

I could lose a potential new job or opportunity.

I could utterly disgust someone.

And I want to fucking know this before I become friends with someone.

So I'm sorry not sorry. I know it's frustrating for you. But this is legitimately something you're going to have to deal with.

Because to you, it's a boring old-hat conversation, whatever. To me? This is potentially world-changing, life-shattering, consequence-bearing revelations that I absolutely positively need to know the reaction to before I interact with someone new.

Because I refuse to hide again. Pretend I don't hear the mocked slurs. Pretend it doesn't matter. It does matter to me. It is me. So I need this information. About my sexuality, and also about my love of slash.

Because slash fiction/art/life has always been inherently intwined with my life. It introduced me to my best friend. It had me surviving through a truly dark moment in my teenage years by providing me with a fun outlet with a caring support group. Plus it makes me happy. Very happy. It's introduced me to wonderful people, provided me with hours of entertainment and generally made my life a much better thing.

Maybe that doesn't seem as important as my sexuality, but to me it is. Because my love of slash is just the flipped side of the queer spectrum and guess what? I want to know that too.

I want to know if you not only accept me and my likes, but you won't mock me for shipping two men together. Because people have some strange ships in games/books/movies/etc, and mine being Steve and Tony shouldn't be any more weird than, fuck I don't know, Loki and Darcy? I haven't read/seen it personally (yet), but I know it's out there, because it's the Avengers fandom and we are many, varied, and sometimes we're just odd. Loveable all the same, but odd.

And so help me god if I never have to listen to another conversation like I did in high school about two girls being together is fine, but two men are disgusting fudgepackers, I will be fucking happy.

I don't think you understand my being queer doesn't mean I want to know you just accept me, but you accept everyone like me. And admitting my love of slash means I not only get to see if you accept my tastes, but also gay-love. So there's that. It's just as important.

And on a similar note, I'm sorry not sorry but I'll keep bringing up the fact I'm pansexual when you stop looking at me pole-axed whenever I look at a woman. Because you keep seeming to forget I'm queer. And if my admiring a woman still makes you pause for a moment while you remember I'm queer? Then I'm going to keep reminding you.

And so help me if you keep rolling your eyes whenever I admire a woman I'm gonna keep fucking mentioning it. My being queer is not this suffering thing. My being queer is not annoying or exhasperating. If you can say 'oh s/he's cute' without someone rolling their eyes? I can do the same fucking thing.

So bear with me.

Sorry not sorry.