Changing What I See, Believing What I Am

So I find myself in a new year of university and of course, with new year’s come changes. Whether that new year happens to be in January or not (maybe yours is February, maybe it’s September), it brings change.

I’m not the biggest fan of change. To be fair, I try my best to roll with the punches and I think I do a damn good job of it, but that doesn’t particularly mean I like it. This year though, I find myself liking it a little more...

Now I’ve never been a person with high self-esteem. I put on a very convincing face but as a child I went through what most cheerful, but short-tempered, moderately over-weight girls go though: teasing. Rather excessive amounts of it, I might add, but anyways. I was smart, so I was called dumb; I was short-tempered with a tendency to cry (a lot) and I was loud and overbearing (I’m still loud, though I believe not so overbearing) so of course that was a contributing factor.

I was and never have been (and likely never will be) a super skinny person. I have what I refer to as flub. Most of it (re: almost all) is stomach flub so I was called fat and ugly. In this day and age this is almost accepted. Kids will be kids. Yes, yes they will and sometimes those kids will be pretty fucking hurtful in the process.

So, maybe I don’t exercise as often as I should, maybe I don’t eat as healthy as I should, but I’m not unhealthy. Barring congestion problems, I have no outstanding health issues. The sad sorry part of it is that it took me moving away from all the bad influences in my life, numerous amounts of friends and support, and to be honest, years of my time, to realize it.

I have never really been comfortable with my body, but I’m on the right track to getting there. It’s hard though, when every time I get closer to a person I spend weeks waiting for them to start teasing, to start laughing, to start hurting.

I find myself these days, though, reading blogs. This is partially my reason for starting this one. My new-found fascination for blogs stems from two very good friends of mine. They link them frequently and I read them, often more than once and I realize I’m not the only one out there. I’m not the only one with insecurities, I’m not the only one who’s scared and really, I’m not the only one afraid of being called fat or ugly. And in the end, I am not fat and I am not ugly.

Now with this new mindset comes those changes I was referring to. First though, some more back-story.

My very first crush (lasting from the tender age of three to almost fifteen) was hard. At twelve or so he discovered I liked him and didn’t talk to me again until a few years ago. This left me crushed of course (and maybe that’s why they’re called “crushes”) and just reinforced the belief that I was not and would never be wanted. I did get an apology, but years later I was already conditioned. My second crush ended similarly. By the third, fourth, fifth, etc. time, I would gain a crush, furiously smash it to pieces myself and move on. I firmly believed no one would like me, no one could like me. Who could blame them? I was stupid and fat and ugly. Whatever crush I couldn’t ‘crush’ would end once they gained a girlfriend or boyfriend. Usually.

Now the strange thing is, this year. This very different year, where I believe I’m more confident now then I’ve even been, things have changed.

I find myself walking down a hall and noticing that second glance. I find myself talking to people and notice them trying to impress or their voice will change subtly. Now while I don’t believe that every guy or girl wants to hit on me (I will never believe that) I do believe that I’m being noticed.

The thing is, I don’t know why.

I haven’t changed my look. I haven’t changed my attitude (I’m still loud, I speak my mind and unfortunately don’t think before I do so), I haven’t lost weight (in fact I think I’ve gained some but I haven’t stepped on a scale in ages), so what’s different?

Possibly my outlook on life. I look at myself in the mirror and find that in a day, I like how I look a little more than how I don’t. I see myself differently. Not: I look fat in this, my feet are huge, my hair is horribly. But: these jeans look good on me, I like this hat, my eyes are beautiful. There will always be times when I look and don’t like what I see, but they’re less now.

The best part of this is a guy I like? He likes me too. While I have no idea where it will lead or what will happen, I know that something’s happening. And it’s the first time it’s ever happened to me before. The first time that a guy I think is smart, cute, funny and adorable, maybe he thinks the same.

It’s a new and rather terrifying experience, yet exhilarating. I’m hoping there’s a level of patience here as well though, because beneath this confidence is still insecurity and suspicion. A part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to be different, for him to laugh at me. But I don’t know him all that well yet, so I can still look with hope.

I hope you all will do the same. Try to garner enough confidence each day that each time you look in the mirror and see something you hate, you also see something you like. You don’t even have to love it, that will come in time, but like it. If you can start to notice the good things, eventually the bad things don’t seem quite so bad anymore and you can quiet those childhood demons in your mind.

Now I warn you, unfortunately, that you won’t always get closure. You will never forget what was said to you. Maybe you’ll always be wary and suspicious. But the key is to not let that stop you. To not let those voices win. To try to forgive, if not forget. Sometimes it’s hard. Especially when you can’t seem to find that closure. I know a girl who still finds it funny, all the things they did to me. My sister even told me “If it had happened to someone else, you would laugh too.” See, that’s the thing though, I wouldn’t, I never have. Maybe this is true growing up, having experienced the pain and being stronger and smarter for it. And if that truly is the case, maybe everyone needs a little dose of hurt, just to gain the humility. After all, they say no pain no gain right?

I suppose in the end, the best advice I can give is surround yourself with good people. People that even when you’re depressed and keep repeating “I’m fat/I’m ugly/No one will love me” they will repeat back (as many times as need be) “You’re beautiful”.

You’d be amazed how much it helps. ^_^

Listening to: 'Very Good Advice' - Disney's cartoon Alice in Wonderland