Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Stuff That Bugs Me

People who use "gay" as an insult. I'm sorry, someone explain me how my state of sexual needs is insulting?

"He was being so gay yesterday." "That's just gay."

I don't care if you don't mean it that way. I don't care if you support LGBT. I don't care if you don't think about it. I don't care if it doesn't mean anything to you. Because if you're saying it then guess what?

You DO mean it that way. You DON'T support LGBT. And even if you don't think about it and it doesn't mean anything to you? It means something to me. Me and every other LGBT person in society who's ever been mocked or teased for being gay. Or heard other people being teased. There's enough fear in coming out without the word "gay" already being used as an insult. It's an utterly fucking terrifying experience to come out without you saying "god you're so gay" while inwardly we cry out "yes, yes we are".

Fucking think about what you say before you say it. Gay is NOT an insult. Would you say "that's so black"? "That's so Indian"? Being gay is a state of being, it's who we are and we cannot change this just like a black person cannot change themselves being black. Or a French person can't change being French. I would also like to state I don't like the term "frog" either.

In general, I don't like name-calling. No-one is stupid or retarded - and there's another word, retarded, stop using it as an insult. Actually mentally-retarded people can be some of the nicest people you'll ever meet and using their state of being as an insult is... well, insulting. No one is gay.

Wait, yes, yes people are. People are retarded, people are black, people are French, people are Indian, people are gay. We exist. Please stop using our state of being for your insults.

And please stop being offended when I tell you to stop! I shouldn't have to feel nervous or insecure every time someone says "that's gay" and I say "can you please not use that word?". I shouldn't have to, because you shouldn't be using that term in that way in the first place. Don't get on my case saying how you didn't mean it that way and to lighten up. I can't lighten up. Not about this. Because every time I hear someone say "that's gay" and mean it as an insult? It's kills another little part of me. It hurts to know that who I am is a source of mockery and amusing to some people.

Who are you? What is your background? And do you appreciate when people use racial slurs?

I don't. What I would appreciate is you stopping it.

The Rumour Mill

I love my friends, hence I love Facebook. I love being interconnected with people in society. Though I have to say one of the things I love the most is what my friends post. I have two friends that post links to sites, articles and blogs and it's fantastic.

Today though was a rather "hit-it-where-it-hurts" kind of day for linking: 2 Rutgers Freshman Charges For Secretly Making Sex Tape of Another Student, Who Then Committed Suicide

Listening to the news cast doesn't give you much to go on. There's a lot of supposition and uncertainty, mainly because the family doesn't comment (which considering they just lost a family member isn't surprising). Looking up some other articles leads to more definite findings. LGBT Rutgers Freshman Kills Self After Classmates Use Hidden Camera To Watch His Sexual Activity

So, I don't use Twitter but I do use Facebook a lot. As previously stated I love being interconnected with people, though it does have it's downsides. Say I go to a party, at said party I dance with someone, or kiss them. Someone takes a photo. They post it on Facebook. I now have fifty people asking if I have a boy/girlfriend now. There's a serious lack of privacy these days.

"Roommate asked for the room till midnight, I went into Molly's room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay."

I'm sorry, did he tweet that he turned on his webcam and watched his roommate? Excuse me? Where the hell does this kid get off thinking that he can spy on his roommate (or anyone for that matter) with a webcam? And it gets worse. "The pair used the hidden dorm room camera to stream their fellow student's sex session, officials said." So not only were they watching, they were streaming it. This person privacy was invaded, not just by his roommates, but by hundreds of other people. Sit for a minute and think about how you would feel if you and your significant other were making out or having sex and somewhere, other people were watching all of it: friends, enemies, peers. Then imagine going to school the next day.

Another reason I love my friends is we actually talk about these things. It's not just someone mentions it because they want to look well-informed and like they care. We'll argue and firmly state our ideas. I find myself wrong a lot, which I will admit bothers me but it does mean I come out of the conversation a more-enlightened person.

Today's conversation was mostly just us reeling in disbelief at society. One of my friends mentioned "if there's been an increase in suicides or if it's just being reported more now that bullying is being made more of an issue in the media".

I personally think the increasing reports of suicides might be just because it's a new year. People who are different, who are new to the school or just getting into high school, will find the bullying to be harder when school's just starting. It may not even be any worse, but after a summer of freedom going back to the same horrible monotonous routine is rough.

I'm not speaking from anything other than personal experience, but bullying always seems worse the first few weeks of school (even if it's not) and then it settles down (re: you get used to it). So for those few weeks it's harder than usual to remind yourself to keep going. So there's more suicides around the start of school just as there's more suicides near major holidays.

Though I will say it may very well be that the media is considering bullying more of an issue. Media has been getting pretty good about that.

My friend also mentions that he "
really [hates] the "It Gets Better" campaign. It really feels like they're saying "Bullying happens, deal with it" in a nicer way. I understand that the spirit behind it is supposed to be a positive one, to try to give kids going through it some motivation, but it really feels like they're accepting it as something that isn't going to change".

And I have to agree with him on this point. I'm not a big fan of the "It Gets Better" campaign either. It Gets Better: Dan and Terry. While I don't disagree that it does get better, no kid should have to be told to live with bullying until you get older. The main idea is that while public school and high school is tough, the kids should learn to live with it.

That I don't agree with. No child should be told to live with it. No child should be told that being harassed, that being hit and hurt with fists and words is a daily thing and they should get used to it.

Would you tell a child being abused by a family member or friend to "tough it out"? No. So why is bullying different? And why does it seem to be specifically gay bullying? Because I remember public school and I remember being told bullying was wrong. That was it. Bullying is wrong. It's not gender/sexual-specific people. It's not right for people to expect anyone to live with bullying, it's not right for anyone to *be* bullied.


There are consequences. Yes, this does happen. The one stray comment you make about a friend "oh he was acting so gay" could lead to a loss of life later on. An extreme theory? Maybe. Apparently not though. Go on google and look up how many people, children, teenagers and adults alike, kill themselves for being bullied. Not just homosexual bullying, just bullying. I will bet you it all started from one stupid stray comment.



A woman repeated a bit of gossip about a neighbour.

Within a few days the whole community knew the story. The person it concerned was deeply hurt and offended. Later, the woman responsible for spreading the rumour learned that it was completely untrue. She was very sorry and went to a wise old sage to find out what she could do to repair the damage.

"Go to the marketplace," he said, "Purchase a bag of feathers". Then on your way home, drop them one by one along the road." Although surprised by this advice, the woman did what she was told.

The next day the wise man said, "Now, go and collect all those feathers you dropped yesterday and bring them back to me."

The woman followed the same road, but to her dismay the wind had blown all the feathers away. After searching for hours, she returned with only three feathers in her hand.

"You see," said the old sage, "It's easy to drop them, but it is impossible to get them back.

So it is with gossip.

It doesn't take much to spread a rumour, but once you do you can never completely undo the wrong.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Quotes That Define Me

"Do you know what you're talking about?"

"Probably not, but before I say it it makes sense in my head. It's not my problem that words go a bit bonks as they come out of my mouth."


"He really did need to work on making his inner voice a truly inner voice and not a '90% of the time outer voice by mistake' inner voice."

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Because I Can

If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops?
Oh what a rain that would be.
Standing outside with my mouth open wide.
Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh.
If all the raindrops were lemon drops and gumdrops?
Oh what a rain that would be.

If all the snowflakes were candy bars and milkshakes?
Oh what a snow that would be.
Standing outside with my mouth open wide.
Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh.
If all the snowflakes were candy bars and milkshakes?
Oh what a snow that would be.

If all the sun beams were bubble gum and ice cream?
Oh what a sun that would be.
Standing outside with my mouth open wide.
Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh.
If all the sun beams were bubble gum and ice cream?
Oh what a sun that would be.

Interesting Thought

I'm agnostic. However I still say "thank god". I wonder if I'm still supposed to. Are there rules for this? And if so, what else is there that I could say? There's "thank all that is holy" but I don't think that would be right either. Agnostic: I believe something's there, something giving and taking, but we don't know what it is (for all I know it's a piece of lint, or perhaps mice [42]).

I suppose "thank goodness". This however, leaves me feeling as though I'm Dorothy from WoO speaking like that. Or maybe just a girl in one of those old-time based movies. I'm really starting to think though that that is the best option. No matter how pretentious I feel saying it.

Acceptance

So in the spirit of keeping with my ranting of relationships, I’ve another.

This time based on judgement. I don’t have much of an argument, I don’t have much to contribute but this is my thoughts.

I am bisexual. This does not mean that I cannot make up my mind. This does not mean that I am confused. This does not, in any way, reflect on my sorry state of previous relationships. There is no correlation between my previous relationships or my declared state of bisexuality.

I am bisexual. I find girls equally as (if not more) attractive as guys. I find handsomeness in femininity and beauty in masculinity.

Have I ever dated a boy? Yes, I have. I’m currently in a budding relationship. Have I ever dated a girl? No.

This is not for lack of trying or want. I just have never come across an opportunity.

Have I ever had sex with a boy or girl? No. Does that mean I’m asexual? No. If you’re a virgin, does that mean you’re asexual? Does it mean you’re not attracted to others if you’ve never had sex? No. So then why is my attraction judged on my past experience?

Now I have been asked, how am I sure I like girls? Maybe I just like boys and am in that “curious” stage. After all, all I’ve ever done is kiss a girl; I’ve never had a sexual experience with one. I can’t be sure. How am I sure I like girls if all I’ve ever experienced is one kiss? How can I be sure if I’ve never been in a lesbian situation?

Well, then ask yourself, how are you so sure you like the opposite sex? How are you sure you like anyone at all? If the entirety of our attraction is based on sexual experience, that means that no one is attracted to anyone until they’ve experienced something sexual. Which is complete and utter bullshit. If that was the case, then the teenage masturbation that so many parents are concerned about wouldn’t exist.

Now I have been talked down to, I have been criticised, I have been ostracised and studied. As if “being on the fence” is a problem.

Someone explain to me the logic of a world where homosexuality is sometimes more accepted than bisexuality. If I said I was just lesbian, would I have it easier? Likely not, I would still get criticism, I would be judged. However, I would be judged by those who are unaccepting of homosexuality. I have found that while I am not fully accepted in the heterosexual circles, I am not accepted in the homosexual circles either. Simply because I cannot decide.

Explain to me how that is fair. How I cannot be accepted for my decision and beliefs. How instead I’m seen as someone who simply cannot “make up their mind”. As though attraction is a choice. As if who you lust for, love for, is something you can change. Tell a homosexual that they’re just “confused” that they have to change their thinking, that they have to pick the right gender. Now tell me that I, as a bisexual, am “confused, that I have to change my thinking and simply (ha!) pick a gender.

I almost wish I was just confused. That I wasn’t sure. Perhaps the ignorance would be simpler.


Listening to: 'I Want To Hold Your Hand' - T.V. Carpio's cover of The Beatles

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Changing What I See, Believing What I Am

So I find myself in a new year of university and of course, with new year’s come changes. Whether that new year happens to be in January or not (maybe yours is February, maybe it’s September), it brings change.

I’m not the biggest fan of change. To be fair, I try my best to roll with the punches and I think I do a damn good job of it, but that doesn’t particularly mean I like it. This year though, I find myself liking it a little more...

Now I’ve never been a person with high self-esteem. I put on a very convincing face but as a child I went through what most cheerful, but short-tempered, moderately over-weight girls go though: teasing. Rather excessive amounts of it, I might add, but anyways. I was smart, so I was called dumb; I was short-tempered with a tendency to cry (a lot) and I was loud and overbearing (I’m still loud, though I believe not so overbearing) so of course that was a contributing factor.

I was and never have been (and likely never will be) a super skinny person. I have what I refer to as flub. Most of it (re: almost all) is stomach flub so I was called fat and ugly. In this day and age this is almost accepted. Kids will be kids. Yes, yes they will and sometimes those kids will be pretty fucking hurtful in the process.

So, maybe I don’t exercise as often as I should, maybe I don’t eat as healthy as I should, but I’m not unhealthy. Barring congestion problems, I have no outstanding health issues. The sad sorry part of it is that it took me moving away from all the bad influences in my life, numerous amounts of friends and support, and to be honest, years of my time, to realize it.

I have never really been comfortable with my body, but I’m on the right track to getting there. It’s hard though, when every time I get closer to a person I spend weeks waiting for them to start teasing, to start laughing, to start hurting.

I find myself these days, though, reading blogs. This is partially my reason for starting this one. My new-found fascination for blogs stems from two very good friends of mine. They link them frequently and I read them, often more than once and I realize I’m not the only one out there. I’m not the only one with insecurities, I’m not the only one who’s scared and really, I’m not the only one afraid of being called fat or ugly. And in the end, I am not fat and I am not ugly.

Now with this new mindset comes those changes I was referring to. First though, some more back-story.

My very first crush (lasting from the tender age of three to almost fifteen) was hard. At twelve or so he discovered I liked him and didn’t talk to me again until a few years ago. This left me crushed of course (and maybe that’s why they’re called “crushes”) and just reinforced the belief that I was not and would never be wanted. I did get an apology, but years later I was already conditioned. My second crush ended similarly. By the third, fourth, fifth, etc. time, I would gain a crush, furiously smash it to pieces myself and move on. I firmly believed no one would like me, no one could like me. Who could blame them? I was stupid and fat and ugly. Whatever crush I couldn’t ‘crush’ would end once they gained a girlfriend or boyfriend. Usually.

Now the strange thing is, this year. This very different year, where I believe I’m more confident now then I’ve even been, things have changed.

I find myself walking down a hall and noticing that second glance. I find myself talking to people and notice them trying to impress or their voice will change subtly. Now while I don’t believe that every guy or girl wants to hit on me (I will never believe that) I do believe that I’m being noticed.

The thing is, I don’t know why.

I haven’t changed my look. I haven’t changed my attitude (I’m still loud, I speak my mind and unfortunately don’t think before I do so), I haven’t lost weight (in fact I think I’ve gained some but I haven’t stepped on a scale in ages), so what’s different?

Possibly my outlook on life. I look at myself in the mirror and find that in a day, I like how I look a little more than how I don’t. I see myself differently. Not: I look fat in this, my feet are huge, my hair is horribly. But: these jeans look good on me, I like this hat, my eyes are beautiful. There will always be times when I look and don’t like what I see, but they’re less now.

The best part of this is a guy I like? He likes me too. While I have no idea where it will lead or what will happen, I know that something’s happening. And it’s the first time it’s ever happened to me before. The first time that a guy I think is smart, cute, funny and adorable, maybe he thinks the same.

It’s a new and rather terrifying experience, yet exhilarating. I’m hoping there’s a level of patience here as well though, because beneath this confidence is still insecurity and suspicion. A part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to be different, for him to laugh at me. But I don’t know him all that well yet, so I can still look with hope.

I hope you all will do the same. Try to garner enough confidence each day that each time you look in the mirror and see something you hate, you also see something you like. You don’t even have to love it, that will come in time, but like it. If you can start to notice the good things, eventually the bad things don’t seem quite so bad anymore and you can quiet those childhood demons in your mind.

Now I warn you, unfortunately, that you won’t always get closure. You will never forget what was said to you. Maybe you’ll always be wary and suspicious. But the key is to not let that stop you. To not let those voices win. To try to forgive, if not forget. Sometimes it’s hard. Especially when you can’t seem to find that closure. I know a girl who still finds it funny, all the things they did to me. My sister even told me “If it had happened to someone else, you would laugh too.” See, that’s the thing though, I wouldn’t, I never have. Maybe this is true growing up, having experienced the pain and being stronger and smarter for it. And if that truly is the case, maybe everyone needs a little dose of hurt, just to gain the humility. After all, they say no pain no gain right?

I suppose in the end, the best advice I can give is surround yourself with good people. People that even when you’re depressed and keep repeating “I’m fat/I’m ugly/No one will love me” they will repeat back (as many times as need be) “You’re beautiful”.

You’d be amazed how much it helps. ^_^


Listening to: 'Very Good Advice' - Disney's cartoon Alice in Wonderland

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Twilight

Being one of the last to jump on the proverbial Twilight bandwagon, I’m sure there are far more suitable people to write about these novels. Considering I’ve only read the one and seen the first movie, there most definitely are better people. However, when asked for my opinion on the books and why I haven’t read the others (not that I won’t but I have a tendency to put things off, hence why it took me fours years to read the first one), I’m led back to the same reason.

You see, I don’t mind Twilight per say. I think it makes an interesting Harlequin Romance novel, but an actual piece of adventure fiction? Not really. I don’t see it as a young adult’s novel. Compared to Emily Rodda and Tamora Pierce it’s tripe as a young novel. But when viewed as an HQ novel? It’s honestly not bad.

Unfortunately it keeps being advertised as a great adventure nove when it’s really romance. Halfways decent romance, but nothing that could actually be considered a serious piece of literature. I think I’d have less of a problem with the book if I had gone into it knowing it was romance. Instead, I was expecting a strange plot (a seriously strange plot) but hopefully with enough kickass vampire action to make it worth reading. I got romance and sap instead. I don’t mind sap, but not when I’m expecting vampire action. So it was disappointing in that regard.

Anytime anyone asks me my opinion on Twilight, this is basically what they’ll get: Good as an HQ novel, bad as an action-adventure novel. So on a whole I give the book a “meh”. It’s not bad but it’s not good enough to deserve the cult following it’s garnered. There are far more interesting well-written novels and romance novels should stay where they’re supposed to: in the HQ section that you browse when regular fantasizing doesn’t work and you need help from cheesy plot-lines and dialogue with a romantic ending that will never actually happen in real life and just give you too-high expectations as to what real romance is like.

On *that* shelf. The one you turn to when you’re looking for pathetic perfect airheads and overly-macho perfect males that just want to *protect the female*. The novel you feel that small sense of self-deprication over reading but you just can’t help yourself because life has honestly gotten to that pathetic point where you need “never-gonna-happen” romance to distract you from the utter wasteland real-life romance is. The bog of real-life you’re trying to sludge through that horrible romance novels distract you from by giving you this nice little bubble to live in for a few hours before the bog jabs it with a stick and you’re stuck helplessly trudging again. I sometimes find myself longing for a good pair of rubber boots somedays.

Unfortunately, being one of those who doesn’t hate the book, but doesn’t love it, leaves me in the precarious “in-between” situation where both Twilight fans and Twilight haters are frustrated and angry that I can’t just make up my mind...

Rather similar to what I go through when I tell people I’m bisexual. So at least I’ve had practice in that regard.

However, this is honestly how I feel about Twilight. It’s HQ. That’s it, that’s all and I wish people would stop trying to tell me it’s anything else. I enjoyed the novel, but only because by the first few chapters (re: chapter one), I recognized it for the HQ novel that it was and had fun laughing at the rest of the unbelievable plot until I finished it.

So make of it what you will. I will not disregard Twilight nor will I praise it. I enjoyed the book, which honestly is more than I can say of some novels.


Listening to: 'Save You From The Dark (Legend of Zelda Original Song)' - JC Van Luyn feat. Docjazz4

Hauntingly beautiful, made even better by knowing it's a collaboration of Zelda themes.

Rainy Days

I like the rain.

I'm sure there are far more interesting things to base a first blog on, however when pressed for one of those things my mind draws a blank.

So I'm left with rain.

It's wet and leaves me soppy and cold. It ruins my hair and reverts it from straight and sassy to curly and poofy. However, it's not being out in the rain that I like. It's being indoors, with the window open and the fresh breeze coming through (preferably without the rain along with it to drench the floors). Hearing the different sounds it can make as it falls and splatters on various surfaces (tin roofs are a joy). Perhaps, if I'm lucky, there will be lightning to brighten the sky and scorch black streaks to my vision, maybe thunder to deafen me. Maybe in the aftermath, there will be a rainbow, or simply drops turned sparkly in the sun.

Or maybe I'll just have the rain. Either way, I'll enjoy it.

Listening to: 'Name' - Goo Goo Dolls