Mental Disorders: Over- and Under-Evaluated

A.K.A. I'm too tired to think of a clever title and that's actually the reason why I'm writing this.
A.K.A. I may or may not have Depression but I do hang around with people with mental disorders so I'm posting this anyway and if you think I don't have enough personal experience well that's your opinion.

Hey look, here’s me blogging when I should be studying for my exam tonight, what else is new?

Right so I’m maybe not the most qualified to talk about these things, but I figured it needed to be said.

Depression runs in my family. I’ve never been formally diagnosed, but I’m thinking I might take the steps to get it checked out and it’s mostly because of this reason: I’ve been having a wretched week in terms of sleep. Only it’s been over-sleeping on my part, not under-sleeping which is the norm. I’ve had problems sleeping for ages, but insomnia wasn’t really a good term for it since sometimes I sleep too much. And then I did research. Turns out over- and under-sleeping are both symptoms of depression. So that’s one question solved. But the thing is. See this interesting thing? It’s still depression.

Funny enough, depression is not this lovely little box term to describe hey sometimes I’m sad, whoop. There are a lot of other symptoms and a lot of other issues involved.

And hey, even if I don’t have depression (or if it’s not what’s causing my sleep issues) I still feel like this needs to be said:

I think we simultaneously pay too much and too little attention to mental disorders.

On the one side, people don’t pay enough attention, because many people with disorders are not medicated properly, or they aren’t taken care of properly. Sometimes someone with depression needs help, and sometimes they really just can’t function around people. If you don’t respect the person with the disorder enough to determine when they actually need social contact, and when they don’t, then you really shouldn’t be around them. Someone with depression or social anxiety? Sometimes social interaction is not the solution. Certainly don’t leave someone alone that needs help, but sometimes people need alone time.

Does this sound difficult to determine? It is. It really is. But this is your friend/family member/partner. It’s sort of your responsibility to at least make the attempt. And if you don’t want to put that much effort in, then walk off. If you don’t want to put that much effort in, you’re just hurting the person. Someone with a disorder needs helpful people, if you don’t think you can be that person, then don’t try to be. Sorry. You may want to help, but you’re just making it worse. It’s a lot of fucking work helping someone with a disorder, visible or not, that’s a fact of life. If you’re not up to it, that’s fine, not everyone is, but sticking around without knowing what you’re doing is only exacerbating the problem.

And on the other side: paying too much attention.

See here’s the thing. You don’t want to tell someone you have depression. Especially in my case where I’m not medically diagnosed but I probably have a small strain of it. To label myself as having depression may not be entirely accurate and could lead to a lot of judgement if it turns out that’s not the reason for my sleep issues. Certainly I have bad days that are also likely a symptom, but the sleep thing? Could be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency. Or possibly anemia. Who the hell knows (and that’s why I’m making an appointment for bloodwork). But either way, telling someone you have/think you have depression? Usually doesn’t end well. And here’s the reason why.

The second you tell someone you have depression, or any sort of mental disorder. They start treating you differently. All of a sudden everything you do is because of this disorder. Are you angry? Depression. Are you sad? Depression.

And this is really fucking annoying.

All right, related example? I’m a woman. Do you know how annoying it is every time I get frustrated for someone to assume I’m on my period? That’s really not a woman’s only reason for being emotional. I’m allowed to be emotional and not be on my period. And it’s the same with mental disorders.

I’m sorry but just because a person has a mental disorder doesn’t mean that’s the reasoning for every. fucking. thing. they. do.

Sometimes you have good days. Sometimes you have bad days. And sometimes this has nothing to do with your fucking depression. Sometimes you wake up late, burn your toast, and your car won’t start. This has nothing to do with a mental disorder. You’ve just had a bad fucking day. Everyone has them.

The second you tell someone you have a mental disorder, you are no longer a whole, complete person. You are a fragment. Everything about you is held together by your disorder and everything you do is defined by your disorder. You become your disorder.

And this is fucking bullshit.

Whether I have a disorder or not is yet to be determined, but it pisses me off to see other people with disorders where every emotional reaction they have is analyzed by their disorder. People are allowed to be sad or angry without it having to do with their disorder. Human beings are capable of an absolutely beautiful eclectic series of emotions and expressing them shouldn’t be a bad thing.

And in the same turn, sometimes you can be sad for no reason. As much as it’s an odd thought, sometimes someone is sad for no reason. They could have gotten a puppy, got a new partner, won a gift basket, what-have-you, and they’ll still be sad. That happens too.

Like I said, it’s confusing as fuck, and I’m sorry. But it’s confusing for the person too. And if you can’t handle that, then stay away. But don’t avoid someone outright just because they have a disorder.

Ugh, so basically, a person is not their disorder wholeheartedly, but it is still a part of them. People with disorders can be confusing, and dual-minded, and happy/sad/angry/confused, and this could all switch in a moment. And it sucks. But that’s life. And it’s especially their life. Not yours. And your judgement doesn’t help. Either try to be that positive/helpful person in their life, or don’t be a person in their life. If you only want to be around someone when they’re happy, then you’re not a very good friend.

People are sad sometimes, angry sometimes, and happy sometimes. To be happy all the time isn’t normal, certainly more happy than not is ideal, but if you don’t want to be friends with someone just because they’re sad? That’s not fair. But it’s probably for the best. It’s better for the person if you just leave.

I admit it’s hard to help someone with a disorder. If you don’t think you can handle them, you probably can’t. And sticking around doesn’t help anyone. But don’t decide to stay around when you want to, when the person is ‘normal’, because that isn’t fair. It’s not helpful to tell someone ‘you have a disorder and that’s why I’m avoiding you’. You’ve chosen to be around this person. This means you’ve chosen to stay with them. With all of them. The day you can’t handle it? It’s better in the long run for everyone involved if you just walk off.

Sounds mean, sounds bitchy, but it’s true. You don’t help anyone by not accepting everything they are.

Why I Don't Want Kids and Why I Don't Understand Why Other People Have Them

“And if a woman should say she doesn’t want to have children at all, the world is apt to go decidedly peculiar: ‘Ooooh, don’t speak too soon,’ it will say - as if knowing whether or not you’re the kind of person who desires to make a whole other human being in your guts, out of sex and food, then have the rest of your life revolve around its welfare, is a breezy, ‘Hey - whevs’ decision. Like electing to have a picnic on an unexpectedly sunny day or changing the background picture on your desktop. ‘When you meet the right man, you’ll change your mind, dear,’ the world will say, with an odd, aggressive smugness.”
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman

So this is what got me thinking today, instead of studying for my exam. I think of the most fascinating things through procrastination. Anyway, it got me thinking:

I don't really want kids.

Or no, let me rephrase, the circumstances under which I would even consider having a child are so rare and unlikely to occur that the chances of me having a child are slim. So I suppose I'm not saying I wouldn't ever have a child, but it's very unlikely.

I am a rather selfish human being. I am also multi-verted. I'm quite social, I like going out and talking to people and basking in their ideas and energies. Some nights I want nothing more than to go out to a club and dance with strangers and soak in the energy. And other (most) nights I want to stay home, read fanfiction/books with headphones in, sing to myself, dance like a crazy person by myself, and generally say fuck the world in general.

I am a libra and though I put very little stock in things like astronomy I am very much a creature of duality. I am an opposing being. I am queer. I am attracted to different people and genders (cis or trans) and personalities depending on the day.

But generally, I am a very selfish creature. I love helping people, but when I choose to. I love helping people but it is not my permanent state of being, and I like being able to be alone when I choose. That is one of the main reasons I do not want children.

I'm quite good with children actually. My sister is amazed how opposed I am to the idea of my own child since I am fantastic with my younger cousins and other kids. I'm very exciteable, very high-energy, I don't talk down to them, I treat all children as the bright shining lights of potential and genius they are. Children are smart. Just because they decide to do something you think is stupid doesn't mean they're stupid. The kid who eats sand or glue isn't stupid, they're just curious. And that's not a bad thing. You just have to make sure their curiosity is not harmful to them and other than that, if it's not hurting anyone what does it really matter if they decide to paint their own hair blue? Sure it's a bitch to get out, but if it ends in you shaving their head, well then they're gonna learn not to do it again aren't they?

I'm sorry, but we are creatures of trial and error. It didn't matter how many times your parents told you not to stick a fork in the electrical socket, you tried to do it anyway didn't you? Or something equal to that nature. Don't eat sand. Don't eat grass. Don't ride a bike without a helmut. Don't touch the hot stove. You're going to do stupid shit as a kid. You did stupid shit as a kid. So don't judge kids for doing other stupid shit.

This is why I'm good with kids. So long as it doesn't hurt them, I'll let them explore and try stuff. It might mean me cleaning up but then I get to teach them how to clean up their own messes as well. And besides, the first time they decide to run around the house and break something, the disappointed talk is usually a good deterrent for later on. Disappointed talks from authority figures are psychological warfare to children. I'm not kidding. I was never physically disciplined a day in my life. It was unnecessary. My parents being disappointed was so much worse. I would've preferred yelling over that. The guilt. Oh my god the guilt. Psychological goddamn warfare.

I mean sure, don't let them somersault off a couch and break their arm or something. You have to set certain boundaries, but you have to try and explain it in a way that doesn't sound like "I'm the adult and you're the stupid kid so you'll listen to me because I tell you to".

I don't know about you, but I don't tend to listen to people telling me that now, and I'm 22, let alone when I was a kid.

People don't like to be told what to do without damn good reasons. And children are people. Yeah, they're tiny, yeah, they're not as learned as you, but they're not stupid. Kids are smart, they learn, they just need more experience. And that is your job. You're there to teach them. Not to be a stuck-up prig because you're the mature one. Screw maturity. It's overrated.

This is also why I'm good with kids. I'll get down in the mud and play with them. Get paint on my face and under my fingernails. Run around like a crazy person. Kids love that. And generally speaking they listen to me more because if I'm willing to get down in the dirt with them, I'm likely to listen and not judge them. No one wants to be judged, especially not kids.

But I still don't want children.

Why? I'm still selfish. Once I've run around like a crazy person and I'm tired, I'm done. I no longer want to play. Then I hand the kids back to the parents and go read a book or something. I only have a set amount of energy to give people on a regular basis. The nice thing about other people's kids is I can give them back when I'm done. I couldn't do this with my own kid.

Second reason? I don't have the time. And I probably never will.

At the moment I'm a graduating student. I don't have a permanent job, I don't have a spouse, or even a partner, I don't have a house or permanent address. I'm still trying to get my shit together. At some point if I ever do get my shit together, I'm a musician. I'll be more broke than not and won't be around a lot. I'll be working my ass off and when I'm not working, I'll be networking. I don't have time for a partner right now, let alone a kid.

I'm aware circumstances could change. This happens to a lot of people. Sometimes, the birth control doesn't work (and sometimes the company flubs the pills and doesn't tell you right away), sometimes the condom breaks, sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you don't have control.

The rest of time? You do. You have control over these things. You can control if you have a family or not. Very often people make a conscience decision to have children. That is a decision I have decided against.

And good god do I ever have to explain myself when I say this.

Consistently I am told "oh I said that too" "oh you'll change your mind" "wait til you meet the right person". Well you know what? Maybe I'm not the right person for children. Maybe I'm not ready or prepared or really willing to have children. And should that someday change, fine. But to stand there and pretend you understand me, my nature, my life, better than I do? To stand there smugly and insist I have no idea what I'm talking about just because you seem to think you're so much more experience than I am?

I feel sorry for your children. Do you treat them that way as well? Do you treat them as though they know nothing and you know everything? You must be a pretty awful parent. And if you don't treat your children that way, then stop treating me that way. I deserve just as much respect and consideration as your kids.

I don't want children and that is what I say. It is what I believe and no amount of smug superiority on your case will convince me otherwise. If I decide otherwise it will be because I decide. But because you seem to think I don't understand my life, let me tell you something.

I am broke.
I am busy
I am selfish.
Children are expensive.
Children are time-consuming.
Children are needy.

I will most likely not have children because of the person I am at heart. I may grow in ten years to find myself a different person and decide then I am ready. But the person I am now is not ready or prepared or willing to have children.

I grew up with parents that worked their asses off and summarily weren't there for a lot of my childhood or my sister's. We've both grown with the mindset that unless we have time to commit to a family, we will not have one. We both don't have the time right now. Though besides that in general, she still wants a family at the end of the day, and I don't. But even ignoring that, we need time.

I don't have the time and likely never will, to commit at least 18 years to the growth and development of a bright, shining, ball of perfect potential.

I want a hedgehog.

Now you're asking yourself, how the hell is that relevant? Well it's relevant because I don't have one. And how is that relevant? Well here's the reasons:

Hedgehogs/pets are a lot of work. They have to be fed, they have to be loved and snuggled and taken care of, and without the proper care and attention they will waste away and die. They're like birds. Or fish. Attention required. I might get a cat someday but they are much more solitary creatures and I am aware I could leave it on it's own for long periods of time, which I would do. Because I have to. Broke, busy, etc.

So I understand most people aren't hedgehog people, so let's go with a more well-known animal: a dog.

So here is my question. Would you get a dog, knowing you wouldn't be there all the time to feed it? You wouldn't be there to house-train it? You wouldn't be there all the time to walk it? You wouldn't be there all the time to pet and kiss and hug and love it and give it the affection it deserves?

So why would you have a child?

The goddamn people wandering around telling me that I'll change my mind someday, are sometimes the people who's kids spend more time at school and at the babysitters than with their parents. And certainly, quality of time over quantity, but honestly, unless circumstances screwed you over, exactly why did you have a kid knowing you wouldn't have time for them? I don't care if you have a busy job, you're working, you don't have the time. You knew this before you decided to brood. You knew this. You were well aware you were already busy. You're allowed to work, but make sure you're still there for your kid more often than not.

Is our idea of a proper lifestyle so intwined with the idea of children that people who aren't equipped to have children are having them? Really, why did you have a child if you don't have time to take care of them?

What, you wanted kids? Yeah, well I really want a fucking hedgehog. I'm mature enough to admit I don't have the fucking time.

We are people who put more bloody consideration into getting a pet, than having a child. That's disgusting.

So bugger off. I don't want kids. I don't have time for them. I don't want kids. And I don't want a dog either. They're all technically animals at the end of the day. They involve the same amount of work and time and maintenance and that you likely consider your dog's well-being more than your child's is thoroughly disturbing to me.

So bugger off with your high-brow smug sense of superiority. I think I have my priorities figured better than you do.

On the Subject of Women's Rights (And Rights in General Really)

To deny someone else rights just because your particular group hasn't gained them fully means we'll never accomplish anything or get anywhere.

We fight tooth and nail for the smallest of privileges and hold on to them with everything we have and we don't stop fighting because someone else lack the same privilege. We fight the battles we can, but we can't fight every battle. Your life will be a choice of the fights you want to make. That does not make another fight less valid, or yours more so. It is just the one you've chosen to fight. Just because someone has chosen something different doesn't invalidate your cause. It is just not the fight that particular person has decided is most important to them.

The privileges we gain are often started by referencing another group and saying "hey, look at what they have, we want that".

Fighting for what you need brings change.

Don't stop fighting because you can only get yourself out of the gutter. Get out, save yourself, and then when you have the means, help those you left behind: the neighbours who suffered beside you. Sure, it might seem selfish at first, but it's hard to fight from a gutter. Power is important. I'm sorry. It's a harsh truth, but it's a truth. It is hard to fight from a gutter and if you do so when you could be fighting from the streets, you only delay the problem, not stop it. To stop a problem, you need power. To get power, you need to save yourself. If you can save yourself, then do it. You'll be a lot more helpful when you fight from a point of stability.

However, do not invalidate someone else's cause. My cause is women's rights and queer rights. Because I am a woman, and I am queer. But I admit that men have problems as well. However, women are raped at a higher percentage (3 in 5). However, women have more support groups. However, the chance of victim blaming is higher than the rape percentage. However, men's rape cases are very often dismissed.

HOWEVER, I'm not allowed to fight this because men's rape isn't fully recognized either? No, men's rape should be recognized and helped, but do not try to deny me my cause to validate yours. Both our causes are valid and important. By degrading mine to raise up yours, you are only harming human rights as a whole.

Everyone's rights are equally as important. But by labelling myself a feminist, I do not label myself as a misandrist.

If we were to compare everyone's problems with everyone else's problems we wouldn't get anything done. You don't starve yourself because children in third world countries starve do you? Then don't try to starve my cause just because yours isn't completed yet.

Because mine is just beginning. And we need all the help we can get.

Think of what we could accomplish if we just supported one another, instead of piling up figurative bodies of causes just so we can step on them and have ours reach a half inch higher in the view of the world.

I Am Not Dead

And now I go to rest my head
In frozen ground amidst the dead
Where living souls, they fear to tread
As well they should, I am not dead

I sleep with those long lost and gone
With those whose memories drift along
Thoughts no longer linger on
With these I sleep, still breathing calm

No I am not dead but not alive
And I'll take your life within it's prime
If question me you dare to try
And purposely lapsed knowledge revive

Do not try to understand
I make no sense to a mortal man
Your mind cannot grasp just what I am
And ignorant curiousity damns

And you want no knowledge of hell
Trust me, on this I know very well
I would have done better to hide, to quell
Than to become this hollowed shell

Instead I rest in cold, hard ground
With the dead and rotting underground
Where nothing else can make a sound
And silence my companion here, down

Down in the depths of frigid burning
You think you hear the dead souls yearning
But they yearn not, they're gone and churning
Slowly into dust; I alone am turning

The screams you hear are not of terror
But frustration mounting at my error
Were cleverer I would not be the bearer
Of this news, I am the sharer

I am the proof of ignorant thoughts
Of the dangers that questioning wrought
Had I kept silent, I would not have been caught
And left to dwindle, left to rot

And now I go to rest my head
In frozen ground amidst the dead
Where living souls, they fear to tread
As well they should, I am not dead.