Sometimes I'm Just Tired Not Uncaring

Look I feel pretty comfortable in saying I'm on the social justice bandwagon. I am so much on this wagon I legitimately frustrate people on a regular basis.

I try to call people out on their bullshit. On their sexism, their racism. Sometimes they're just a toxic person. I won't take it. I don't have to take it. I will rail against the world again and again.

The problem I'm starting to notice though, is people are beginning to see this as my default personality.

Looks here's the thing: I don't want to be a Debbie Downer all the time.

I don't want to be negative. I don't want to have to list study after study and research. And I have a pretty crap memory. Some days the only thing I can think to say is "this is wrong and hurtful behaviour, you hurt people saying this". And I don't have a study to back it up. I don't have a list of resources I can automatically rattle off.

I have a rather terrible memory. So this happens a lot. The problem being that it doesn't mean the person isn't still being hurtful. And I need to say something. I have a bone-deep rattling sensation of this is wrong and I won't let it go.

But sometimes? Sometimes I'm fucking tired.

Sometimes I don't want to say anything. Sometimes I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue. It fucking hurts too. To sit/stand there and bite my tongue. It's ridiculously hard. But in doing so I grant myself a reprieve. A span of an hour I know is still mine and isn't caught up in trying to explain to someone "no, you're being mean and unfair, stop it, you're derailing, stop it, just stop".

Sometimes I don't want to have to spend an hour arguing points with someone I know isn't listening anyway, with only a half-cobbled together list of resources from my absolute wretched dredges of memory.

And sometimes I don't want to talk to even like-minded people about the people who are hurtful.

And the problem I'm noticing is that even in like-minded circles? I'm getting abuse. Not intentional, not meaning to be. But apparently there are people out there that just don't understand I'm tired. I can't always be on.

I don't want to talk about the jackass from work that hits on every woman and will never change. I don't want to talk about the lady at the gas station who comments about how every POC that comes in is just waiting for a good moment to steal from her, or worse. I don't want to talk about the jackass who comes in and asks when I'm due and looks unapologetic when I tell her I'm not pregnant. I don't want to talk about the people so full of classism they see Food Stamps as a crutch and everyone abuses the system. I don't want to talk about the dumbass in high school who said two chicks are hot but two dudes is disgusting (and I have downgraded that for your benefit, no, you don't want to know).

I don't want to fucking talk about it. I just want one fucking day.

I'm tired and I hurt and no, I can't ignore it. Because it's happening everywhere. I turn on my tv, I listen to the radio, fuck I watched the Oscars and through the whole movie montage went "there are maybe 7 women for the 30+ men". You know how I know this? I counted. Without realizing. I was fucking counting in my head already knowing how it would end. Women would be under-represented. When did my brain become hardwired to see this?

I'm glad for it, don't get me wrong. But I can't enjoy anything any more. And that's good. I'm seeing the issues. I'm seeing the problem. And if I see it, I can try to fix it. But good goddamn it's everywhere.

And I'm fucking tired. It's exhausting. And I can't ignore it. And I know it won't go away by ignoring it. And I'm really really sorry. I am. I'm sorry.

But please stop getting mad at me for asking for just one day, one hour, one minute of blessed silence.

It's not I don't want you to be angry. I do. I want you to be angry. I want you to fight. I want me to fight. I want the whole world to understand these things are not okay. But you know how hard these battles are. They're draining and exhausting.

And I'm not that strong. I can't fight every day.

And I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry.

I just- Need a minute. Please.

Please stop being angry with me.

Reasons Why I Act The Way I Do In Conversations (And Why I'm Sorry But Not Sorry)

So I have a tumblr. If you're wondering why it's relevant, well:

I recently made the company of an absolutely fantastic woman living in New Zealand. And her and I have been chatting back and forth. Anyway, the point is, we started talking about the privacy or lack thereof of our blogs/tumblrs/what-have-you. And this explanation came to fruition on my part.

See this is the thing, since I left high school, since I finally accepted myself as pansexual (well it was bisexual, my personal definition has broadened since then, ha) I’ve also been admitting my love of slash. To people I know, to old friends, to anyone I meet. It tends to come up in conversations alongside my queer-ness and my sheer epic levels of nerd I have going on. XD

So I’m not really quiet about myself per se, but I don’t avidly promote my things on Facebook (except my blog, I promote the fuck out of my blog because I love it). It’s not a shame thing, it’s a “hey I have tumblr, but I post slash (which is men together with men if you're curious), also feminist rants and nerd-love, so if you don’t care about the slew of SteveTony I post: follow me! If you’re not comfortable with it: then that’s okay too”. Sort of a “I respect your shipping (which is romancing) of certain characters or lack thereof” kind of thing. But I've realized I do keep my tumblr on the down-low (it's here btw, fuck it I don't care anymore). So I like slash. And I'm queer. And my tumblr reflects that sometimes (all the time).

Anyway, it’s funny actually, because I have a friend who mentioned “why does you being bisexual come up in almost *every* conversation with people” and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her but I will next time it comes up that I bring it up because I want to know who is and isn’t comfortable with my lifestyle so I can not be friends with them.

It utterly fucking torturous to make friends just to realize later that they disagree with your state of being. And I think I’m going to have to tell her this, because to her it’s old hat and it’s frustrating that I keep bringing it up around everyone in every conversation. But to me it’s important.

To her it’s just the way I am, and I respect the fuck out of her for that, but for me? For me it’s always going to be this great, big, defining characteristic of my life and I want to know who truly accepts me and who doesn’t. And even the people that say they do? There’s this scared, dark part inside me that wants to be constantly reassured that no, there are people in my life that honestly don’t give a shit.

So I'm sorry but not sorry that I keep finding subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways to bring my sexuality up in almost every conversations, and I'm sorry not sorry that you feel I'm rehashing things you've already accepted, but see, here's the thing: sometimes I don't believe you. For that I am sorry. And maybe I do believe you all the time, but we're with someone else, and I don't believe them.

The reasons behind my consistent mentioning of my queerness are many and varied so I beg you to bear with me. But I'm sort of always waiting for that ultimate moment in a conversation with a relatively new person where I bring up the fact I'm queer and the look on their face? Inherently changes.

Because it happens.

And I know it's frustrating to hear me repeat myself but here's the thing: It's not about you. Deal with it.

This doesn't affect you outside of a repeated thought pattern on my part. The only way this affects you is that you have to hear me say I'm queer again.

Wanna know how it affects me? It affects me in that I have to try to find increasingly less subtle ways to bring my sexuality up in regular conversation. It affects me because I can lose a potential new friend over this.

I could lose a potential new job or opportunity.

I could utterly disgust someone.

And I want to fucking know this before I become friends with someone.

So I'm sorry not sorry. I know it's frustrating for you. But this is legitimately something you're going to have to deal with.

Because to you, it's a boring old-hat conversation, whatever. To me? This is potentially world-changing, life-shattering, consequence-bearing revelations that I absolutely positively need to know the reaction to before I interact with someone new.

Because I refuse to hide again. Pretend I don't hear the mocked slurs. Pretend it doesn't matter. It does matter to me. It is me. So I need this information. About my sexuality, and also about my love of slash.

Because slash fiction/art/life has always been inherently intwined with my life. It introduced me to my best friend. It had me surviving through a truly dark moment in my teenage years by providing me with a fun outlet with a caring support group. Plus it makes me happy. Very happy. It's introduced me to wonderful people, provided me with hours of entertainment and generally made my life a much better thing.

Maybe that doesn't seem as important as my sexuality, but to me it is. Because my love of slash is just the flipped side of the queer spectrum and guess what? I want to know that too.

I want to know if you not only accept me and my likes, but you won't mock me for shipping two men together. Because people have some strange ships in games/books/movies/etc, and mine being Steve and Tony shouldn't be any more weird than, fuck I don't know, Loki and Darcy? I haven't read/seen it personally (yet), but I know it's out there, because it's the Avengers fandom and we are many, varied, and sometimes we're just odd. Loveable all the same, but odd.

And so help me god if I never have to listen to another conversation like I did in high school about two girls being together is fine, but two men are disgusting fudgepackers, I will be fucking happy.

I don't think you understand my being queer doesn't mean I want to know you just accept me, but you accept everyone like me. And admitting my love of slash means I not only get to see if you accept my tastes, but also gay-love. So there's that. It's just as important.

And on a similar note, I'm sorry not sorry but I'll keep bringing up the fact I'm pansexual when you stop looking at me pole-axed whenever I look at a woman. Because you keep seeming to forget I'm queer. And if my admiring a woman still makes you pause for a moment while you remember I'm queer? Then I'm going to keep reminding you.

And so help me if you keep rolling your eyes whenever I admire a woman I'm gonna keep fucking mentioning it. My being queer is not this suffering thing. My being queer is not annoying or exhasperating. If you can say 'oh s/he's cute' without someone rolling their eyes? I can do the same fucking thing.

So bear with me.

Sorry not sorry.

On the Subject of Women's Rights (And Rights in General Really)

To deny someone else rights just because your particular group hasn't gained them fully means we'll never accomplish anything or get anywhere.

We fight tooth and nail for the smallest of privileges and hold on to them with everything we have and we don't stop fighting because someone else lack the same privilege. We fight the battles we can, but we can't fight every battle. Your life will be a choice of the fights you want to make. That does not make another fight less valid, or yours more so. It is just the one you've chosen to fight. Just because someone has chosen something different doesn't invalidate your cause. It is just not the fight that particular person has decided is most important to them.

The privileges we gain are often started by referencing another group and saying "hey, look at what they have, we want that".

Fighting for what you need brings change.

Don't stop fighting because you can only get yourself out of the gutter. Get out, save yourself, and then when you have the means, help those you left behind: the neighbours who suffered beside you. Sure, it might seem selfish at first, but it's hard to fight from a gutter. Power is important. I'm sorry. It's a harsh truth, but it's a truth. It is hard to fight from a gutter and if you do so when you could be fighting from the streets, you only delay the problem, not stop it. To stop a problem, you need power. To get power, you need to save yourself. If you can save yourself, then do it. You'll be a lot more helpful when you fight from a point of stability.

However, do not invalidate someone else's cause. My cause is women's rights and queer rights. Because I am a woman, and I am queer. But I admit that men have problems as well. However, women are raped at a higher percentage (3 in 5). However, women have more support groups. However, the chance of victim blaming is higher than the rape percentage. However, men's rape cases are very often dismissed.

HOWEVER, I'm not allowed to fight this because men's rape isn't fully recognized either? No, men's rape should be recognized and helped, but do not try to deny me my cause to validate yours. Both our causes are valid and important. By degrading mine to raise up yours, you are only harming human rights as a whole.

Everyone's rights are equally as important. But by labelling myself a feminist, I do not label myself as a misandrist.

If we were to compare everyone's problems with everyone else's problems we wouldn't get anything done. You don't starve yourself because children in third world countries starve do you? Then don't try to starve my cause just because yours isn't completed yet.

Because mine is just beginning. And we need all the help we can get.

Think of what we could accomplish if we just supported one another, instead of piling up figurative bodies of causes just so we can step on them and have ours reach a half inch higher in the view of the world.

My Dad

An illuminating conversation with my sister this break led me into an equally interesting revelation:

My father is still smarter than I give him credit for.

Now this shouldn’t be as surprising as it is, really, but at some point we all reach that stage in our lives where we have, not begun to question our parent’s intelligence and our childish belief that they know everything, no, but that we’ve questioned it for so long we actually begin to believe we know more than our parents. I don’t mean in that teenager “I know everything and my parent’s just don’t understaaaaand meeee”. I mean in that adult “I’ve grown up and yes they know more about some things but some of their beliefs are so backwards (and sometimes prejudice) that I take their knowledge with a grain of salt”. After all, these are productive times and every generation will struggle to understand the newer. We know this, we accept this, but sometimes it comes to be that your parent surprises you.

So this holiday I discovered the beauty in a revolution. A breaking of boundaries and an acceptance of sorts.

To give some back story, I had as a child, listened to my father talk of how I could be friends with a black man but never marry one, and that homosexuality was the greatest sin a person could commit and firey hanging death was all that one who practiced such a disgusting lifestyle could deserve. It is truly a testament to my mum that I not only didn’t take these ideas to heart but I actually describe as a bisexual now.

So it was an interesting conversation to have with my dad now along the lines of “so, how’s it going? Any boyfriends? Any girlfriends?” a couple years back.

My heart froze and then decided to jump apart into itty-bitty pieces and leap around my chest in confusion as electricity sparked through my brain turning me deaf, dumb and stupid. My ears were roaring, all I could think was ‘what, what, how did he find out, who told him, how does he know?’. So of course my only response after several agonizing far-too-long seconds of pause was “N-no. Nobody.”

I don’t exactly remember much of the conversation after that. There wasn’t much, just a brief goodbye, love you, the usual but heaven forbid I actually remember the words. All I could do after I hung up the phone was sit there, frozen, thinking ‘he knows’. Followed by ‘so nonchalant... he... doesn’t care?’. An unbelievable thought for me. How could he not care after that long rant as a child. Firey death and damnation, hell and torture, drawn-and-quartered and left for the buzzards (well, okay, not quite that bad, but he did actually state they should be burned at the stake, a rather impressionable statement to make to a child of maybe five or six). My father, the most backwards, prejudiced, homophobic man I ever knew (apart from my grandfather of course and that’s likely where he got it) didn’t care.

Now this would have been enough of a revelation but this holiday I was given another. According to my sister he had said a similar thing to her a few years back and of course, being straight as a board, her reply was flippant “girls? Dad, you know I’m straight” an answer I, of course, couldn’t give.

So my dad didn’t even know, he was testing the waters and had managed to outmanoeuvre me. The tricky bastard.

Add this to the fact that I’m so used to my Facebook being clogged with everyone’s status updates I’m used to people’s updates being lost in the fifty-million other updates I get, I had actually managed to successfully forget I had my stepmother on Facebook and she only knows 77 people and gets every update I make. Which as of late has been more gay-pride of late my dad and stepmum made the, absolutely correct but damned if I thought they’d ever realize it (then again it was prolly my stepmum cause god knows my dad’s not the sharpest tool in the shed and my stepmum’s the brains of the operation, I kid I kid... kind of), assumption that I am not entirely straight.

I’m going on the presumption that my dad has figured out I’m not 100% gay though considering I’ve still gushed about guys with my sister.

So yeah. Also, I actually had a conversation about my dad about his ideas on homosexuality. My stepmum has two friends who are together and gay and dad said he was civil and whatnot. Thing is, my dad is still a proper Christian. His answer has basically defaulted to, homosexuals can live as they like but they will answer to God in the end. Thing is, he doesn’t mean this in a cruel way anymore. No, it’s more of a “I don’t know if it’s wrong or right and it’s not up to me to decide, it’s up to God, I don’t personally like it but I will tolerate it”. But then he still thinks God will judge me. My dad thinks I’ll go to hell (or his idea of hell, not mine). “No I don’t. Or I hope you don’t. You’re a beautiful person and I think God will see that. I’m just not sure. It’s what God decides and we can’t know.” A very Agnostic view actually. That we can’t know. We don’t know and we won’t know until the end comes. I must be rubbing off on him.

I know this doesn’t sound like much to some people. In fact to some it still sounds as though my dad thinks “God thinks it’s wrong” but that’s not it. I know my dad. He has actually looked at something he full-blown hated before and went, “well I don’t like it, but it’s not my business”. My dad has done what thousands of religious zealots cannot. He’s looked at homosexuality and decided he still doesn’t like it, doesn’t understand it, thinks it’s weird, but it’s God’s decision, God’s love and God’s mercy and judgement.

I mean compared to his earlier ideas of “burn em”, holy shit, this is like him walking up to that gay couple and hugging them.

After years of agonizing, not being to tell my dad I’m bi, afraid he would find out and kick me out and hate me forever and we’ll never speak again, I have actually had a conversation with my father where he’s said to my face “I don’t get it, and I don’t understand it, and I don’t accept it, but it’s your life and your choices, I love you anyways and as for the other homosexuals, well, whatever, I won’t avidly seek them out, but I don’t hate them, God will decide their fate”.

I mean yeah, he won’t be going to Pride Days any time soon but he’s decided to take this part of my life and, while not wholeheartedly accept it, he’s gone “meh, all right, love you anyways, you’re my baby and that’s all that matters”.

That’s enough for me. :)

...

Also, he’s fine with the Agnostic bit too. Says that though he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour (yeah he’s a little preachy, I still love him to bits), it’s not for everyone and that God (or whatever) is still there for me (I think he’s mostly just happy I still have some faith).

So in the end, it’s up to God.

...

Who woulda thunk it? (Though heaven forbid I actually straight up say I'm bi. Hilariously enough we still have never had this conversation through all the revelations... I have no idea how this has happened. That's my family I suppose. Having revealing and in-depth conversations on a subject you will never actually label. *Snort*)

Stuff That Bugs Me

People who use "gay" as an insult. I'm sorry, someone explain me how my state of sexual needs is insulting?

"He was being so gay yesterday." "That's just gay."

I don't care if you don't mean it that way. I don't care if you support LGBT. I don't care if you don't think about it. I don't care if it doesn't mean anything to you. Because if you're saying it then guess what?

You DO mean it that way. You DON'T support LGBT. And even if you don't think about it and it doesn't mean anything to you? It means something to me. Me and every other LGBT person in society who's ever been mocked or teased for being gay. Or heard other people being teased. There's enough fear in coming out without the word "gay" already being used as an insult. It's an utterly fucking terrifying experience to come out without you saying "god you're so gay" while inwardly we cry out "yes, yes we are".

Fucking think about what you say before you say it. Gay is NOT an insult. Would you say "that's so black"? "That's so Indian"? Being gay is a state of being, it's who we are and we cannot change this just like a black person cannot change themselves being black. Or a French person can't change being French. I would also like to state I don't like the term "frog" either.

In general, I don't like name-calling. No-one is stupid or retarded - and there's another word, retarded, stop using it as an insult. Actually mentally-retarded people can be some of the nicest people you'll ever meet and using their state of being as an insult is... well, insulting. No one is gay.

Wait, yes, yes people are. People are retarded, people are black, people are French, people are Indian, people are gay. We exist. Please stop using our state of being for your insults.

And please stop being offended when I tell you to stop! I shouldn't have to feel nervous or insecure every time someone says "that's gay" and I say "can you please not use that word?". I shouldn't have to, because you shouldn't be using that term in that way in the first place. Don't get on my case saying how you didn't mean it that way and to lighten up. I can't lighten up. Not about this. Because every time I hear someone say "that's gay" and mean it as an insult? It's kills another little part of me. It hurts to know that who I am is a source of mockery and amusing to some people.

Who are you? What is your background? And do you appreciate when people use racial slurs?

I don't. What I would appreciate is you stopping it.

The Rumour Mill

I love my friends, hence I love Facebook. I love being interconnected with people in society. Though I have to say one of the things I love the most is what my friends post. I have two friends that post links to sites, articles and blogs and it's fantastic.

Today though was a rather "hit-it-where-it-hurts" kind of day for linking: 2 Rutgers Freshman Charges For Secretly Making Sex Tape of Another Student, Who Then Committed Suicide

Listening to the news cast doesn't give you much to go on. There's a lot of supposition and uncertainty, mainly because the family doesn't comment (which considering they just lost a family member isn't surprising). Looking up some other articles leads to more definite findings. LGBT Rutgers Freshman Kills Self After Classmates Use Hidden Camera To Watch His Sexual Activity

So, I don't use Twitter but I do use Facebook a lot. As previously stated I love being interconnected with people, though it does have it's downsides. Say I go to a party, at said party I dance with someone, or kiss them. Someone takes a photo. They post it on Facebook. I now have fifty people asking if I have a boy/girlfriend now. There's a serious lack of privacy these days.

"Roommate asked for the room till midnight, I went into Molly's room and turned on my webcam. I saw him making out with a dude. Yay."

I'm sorry, did he tweet that he turned on his webcam and watched his roommate? Excuse me? Where the hell does this kid get off thinking that he can spy on his roommate (or anyone for that matter) with a webcam? And it gets worse. "The pair used the hidden dorm room camera to stream their fellow student's sex session, officials said." So not only were they watching, they were streaming it. This person privacy was invaded, not just by his roommates, but by hundreds of other people. Sit for a minute and think about how you would feel if you and your significant other were making out or having sex and somewhere, other people were watching all of it: friends, enemies, peers. Then imagine going to school the next day.

Another reason I love my friends is we actually talk about these things. It's not just someone mentions it because they want to look well-informed and like they care. We'll argue and firmly state our ideas. I find myself wrong a lot, which I will admit bothers me but it does mean I come out of the conversation a more-enlightened person.

Today's conversation was mostly just us reeling in disbelief at society. One of my friends mentioned "if there's been an increase in suicides or if it's just being reported more now that bullying is being made more of an issue in the media".

I personally think the increasing reports of suicides might be just because it's a new year. People who are different, who are new to the school or just getting into high school, will find the bullying to be harder when school's just starting. It may not even be any worse, but after a summer of freedom going back to the same horrible monotonous routine is rough.

I'm not speaking from anything other than personal experience, but bullying always seems worse the first few weeks of school (even if it's not) and then it settles down (re: you get used to it). So for those few weeks it's harder than usual to remind yourself to keep going. So there's more suicides around the start of school just as there's more suicides near major holidays.

Though I will say it may very well be that the media is considering bullying more of an issue. Media has been getting pretty good about that.

My friend also mentions that he "really [hates] the "It Gets Better" campaign. It really feels like they're saying "Bullying happens, deal with it" in a nicer way. I understand that the spirit behind it is supposed to be a positive one, to try to give kids going through it some motivation, but it really feels like they're accepting it as something that isn't going to change".

And I have to agree with him on this point. I'm not a big fan of the "It Gets Better" campaign either. It Gets Better: Dan and Terry. While I don't disagree that it does get better, no kid should have to be told to live with bullying until you get older. The main idea is that while public school and high school is tough, the kids should learn to live with it.

That I don't agree with. No child should be told to live with it. No child should be told that being harassed, that being hit and hurt with fists and words is a daily thing and they should get used to it.

Would you tell a child being abused by a family member or friend to "tough it out"? No. So why is bullying different? And why does it seem to be specifically gay bullying? Because I remember public school and I remember being told bullying was wrong. That was it. Bullying is wrong. It's not gender/sexual-specific people. It's not right for people to expect anyone to live with bullying, it's not right for anyone to *be* bullied.


There are consequences. Yes, this does happen. The one stray comment you make about a friend "oh he was acting so gay" could lead to a loss of life later on. An extreme theory? Maybe. Apparently not though. Go on google and look up how many people, children, teenagers and adults alike, kill themselves for being bullied. Not just homosexual bullying, just bullying. I will bet you it all started from one stupid stray comment.



A woman repeated a bit of gossip about a neighbour.

Within a few days the whole community knew the story. The person it concerned was deeply hurt and offended. Later, the woman responsible for spreading the rumour learned that it was completely untrue. She was very sorry and went to a wise old sage to find out what she could do to repair the damage.

"Go to the marketplace," he said, "Purchase a bag of feathers". Then on your way home, drop them one by one along the road." Although surprised by this advice, the woman did what she was told.

The next day the wise man said, "Now, go and collect all those feathers you dropped yesterday and bring them back to me."

The woman followed the same road, but to her dismay the wind had blown all the feathers away. After searching for hours, she returned with only three feathers in her hand.

"You see," said the old sage, "It's easy to drop them, but it is impossible to get them back.

So it is with gossip.

It doesn't take much to spread a rumour, but once you do you can never completely undo the wrong.

Acceptance

So in the spirit of keeping with my ranting of relationships, I’ve another.

This time based on judgement. I don’t have much of an argument, I don’t have much to contribute but this is my thoughts.

I am bisexual. This does not mean that I cannot make up my mind. This does not mean that I am confused. This does not, in any way, reflect on my sorry state of previous relationships. There is no correlation between my previous relationships or my declared state of bisexuality.

I am bisexual. I find girls equally as (if not more) attractive as guys. I find handsomeness in femininity and beauty in masculinity.

Have I ever dated a boy? Yes, I have. I’m currently in a budding relationship. Have I ever dated a girl? No.

This is not for lack of trying or want. I just have never come across an opportunity.

Have I ever had sex with a boy or girl? No. Does that mean I’m asexual? No. If you’re a virgin, does that mean you’re asexual? Does it mean you’re not attracted to others if you’ve never had sex? No. So then why is my attraction judged on my past experience?

Now I have been asked, how am I sure I like girls? Maybe I just like boys and am in that “curious” stage. After all, all I’ve ever done is kiss a girl; I’ve never had a sexual experience with one. I can’t be sure. How am I sure I like girls if all I’ve ever experienced is one kiss? How can I be sure if I’ve never been in a lesbian situation?

Well, then ask yourself, how are you so sure you like the opposite sex? How are you sure you like anyone at all? If the entirety of our attraction is based on sexual experience, that means that no one is attracted to anyone until they’ve experienced something sexual. Which is complete and utter bullshit. If that was the case, then the teenage masturbation that so many parents are concerned about wouldn’t exist.

Now I have been talked down to, I have been criticised, I have been ostracised and studied. As if “being on the fence” is a problem.

Someone explain to me the logic of a world where homosexuality is sometimes more accepted than bisexuality. If I said I was just lesbian, would I have it easier? Likely not, I would still get criticism, I would be judged. However, I would be judged by those who are unaccepting of homosexuality. I have found that while I am not fully accepted in the heterosexual circles, I am not accepted in the homosexual circles either. Simply because I cannot decide.

Explain to me how that is fair. How I cannot be accepted for my decision and beliefs. How instead I’m seen as someone who simply cannot “make up their mind”. As though attraction is a choice. As if who you lust for, love for, is something you can change. Tell a homosexual that they’re just “confused” that they have to change their thinking, that they have to pick the right gender. Now tell me that I, as a bisexual, am “confused, that I have to change my thinking and simply (ha!) pick a gender.

I almost wish I was just confused. That I wasn’t sure. Perhaps the ignorance would be simpler.


Listening to: 'I Want To Hold Your Hand' - T.V. Carpio's cover of The Beatles