Sometimes I'm Just Tired Not Uncaring

Look I feel pretty comfortable in saying I'm on the social justice bandwagon. I am so much on this wagon I legitimately frustrate people on a regular basis.

I try to call people out on their bullshit. On their sexism, their racism. Sometimes they're just a toxic person. I won't take it. I don't have to take it. I will rail against the world again and again.

The problem I'm starting to notice though, is people are beginning to see this as my default personality.

Looks here's the thing: I don't want to be a Debbie Downer all the time.

I don't want to be negative. I don't want to have to list study after study and research. And I have a pretty crap memory. Some days the only thing I can think to say is "this is wrong and hurtful behaviour, you hurt people saying this". And I don't have a study to back it up. I don't have a list of resources I can automatically rattle off.

I have a rather terrible memory. So this happens a lot. The problem being that it doesn't mean the person isn't still being hurtful. And I need to say something. I have a bone-deep rattling sensation of this is wrong and I won't let it go.

But sometimes? Sometimes I'm fucking tired.

Sometimes I don't want to say anything. Sometimes I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue. It fucking hurts too. To sit/stand there and bite my tongue. It's ridiculously hard. But in doing so I grant myself a reprieve. A span of an hour I know is still mine and isn't caught up in trying to explain to someone "no, you're being mean and unfair, stop it, you're derailing, stop it, just stop".

Sometimes I don't want to have to spend an hour arguing points with someone I know isn't listening anyway, with only a half-cobbled together list of resources from my absolute wretched dredges of memory.

And sometimes I don't want to talk to even like-minded people about the people who are hurtful.

And the problem I'm noticing is that even in like-minded circles? I'm getting abuse. Not intentional, not meaning to be. But apparently there are people out there that just don't understand I'm tired. I can't always be on.

I don't want to talk about the jackass from work that hits on every woman and will never change. I don't want to talk about the lady at the gas station who comments about how every POC that comes in is just waiting for a good moment to steal from her, or worse. I don't want to talk about the jackass who comes in and asks when I'm due and looks unapologetic when I tell her I'm not pregnant. I don't want to talk about the people so full of classism they see Food Stamps as a crutch and everyone abuses the system. I don't want to talk about the dumbass in high school who said two chicks are hot but two dudes is disgusting (and I have downgraded that for your benefit, no, you don't want to know).

I don't want to fucking talk about it. I just want one fucking day.

I'm tired and I hurt and no, I can't ignore it. Because it's happening everywhere. I turn on my tv, I listen to the radio, fuck I watched the Oscars and through the whole movie montage went "there are maybe 7 women for the 30+ men". You know how I know this? I counted. Without realizing. I was fucking counting in my head already knowing how it would end. Women would be under-represented. When did my brain become hardwired to see this?

I'm glad for it, don't get me wrong. But I can't enjoy anything any more. And that's good. I'm seeing the issues. I'm seeing the problem. And if I see it, I can try to fix it. But good goddamn it's everywhere.

And I'm fucking tired. It's exhausting. And I can't ignore it. And I know it won't go away by ignoring it. And I'm really really sorry. I am. I'm sorry.

But please stop getting mad at me for asking for just one day, one hour, one minute of blessed silence.

It's not I don't want you to be angry. I do. I want you to be angry. I want you to fight. I want me to fight. I want the whole world to understand these things are not okay. But you know how hard these battles are. They're draining and exhausting.

And I'm not that strong. I can't fight every day.

And I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry.

I just- Need a minute. Please.

Please stop being angry with me.

All You Need Is Love (and a swift kick to the...)

Those that know me are aware I have a high penchant for posting ridiculously long Facebook status updates. I'm going to try and divert those to my blog now. Maybe it means I might update this bloody thing more often (and those who know me are also aware of how unlikely that is).

So, the... problem? That's the wrong word. I don't know the right one for this situation. It's not a problem, I guess it's a good thing... Anyway, I've been breaking the social stereotype of body image and my attitude towards it.

I admit, I wasn't happy with my body for a long time. This made me critical of other's bodies as well. I guess I figured so long as there were people out there bigger than me, I was still okay and I had somewhere to direct the hatred I recieved from other people, and myself. I didn't have the best of reactions to people I thought were 'unhealthy' (unhealthy being what I deemed 'overweight'). I never called someone fat to their face, but I was very critical. I laughed at the movies depicting bigger people as these toddling, socially awkward beings. I giggled, but awkwardly, at the pictures with 'funny' captions but at the same time would defend to the death my larger friends from bullies. I was in this strange dual-mindset where I still loved my friends and found them attractive as well, but I would still hate myself, still laugh at the jokes, somewhat self-depricatingly I admit. Now that I'm older I've realized so long as you are *healthy* it doesn't matter your size.

And having to admit that I used to think like this brings a feeling of shame and disgust. That I am admitting to this, and my previous body issues, that I so thoroughly hated myself that I judged others just because they were "uglier" so I wasn't so disgusting in comparison... I'm ashamed of the person I used to be. I was a person of circumstance, but still... I'm ashamed I even looked at someone who wasn't thin and thought them unhealthy and gross. I thought my feelings of attractiveness towards bigger women was strange and abnormal (and this was after trying to comprehend finding women attractive at all). Being fat was being unhealthy. How could I find it attractive? People aren't meant to be that size, I thought. There must have been something wrong with me. After all, I was big and I was ugly. How could someone else be big and beautiful?

So I made a cutoff point. After a certain size, a certain number of rolls, or if their breasts didn't compensate for their bellies, then they weren't healthy. Or attractive. Even if my brain thought they were pretty, I wouldn't allow myself to think that. They couldn't be pretty. Because I wasn't pretty.

I know now that it doesn't matter how you look, someone finds you beautiful. Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean someone else doesn't (and that is including yourself). Your personal tastes are not a reflection of what "beauty" is and has no say on other people's opinion of what is "beautiful" or "sexy".

That being said, it's making a lot of posts I'm seeing nowadays along the lines of "Oh god, that girl is fat/ugly isn't she? Here, let me post this picture, with a 'funny' caption of 'look at this ugly bitch' so we can all laugh at someone we don't know, and are judging just because we don't like how she looks" all the more hurtful.

In a way I'm grateful to myself for having the comprehension to now understand my formerly critical thinking. I'm grateful I appreciate my body more days than not. I'm grateful I appreciate other people's bodies more days than not. I'm grateful my knee-jerk reaction isn't always an appalled or insecure giggle to body-hating jokes. I'm grateful I can look at these images and not find them funny, but depressing.

But having the knowledge and the acceptance means that my Facebook feed is occassionally tinged with bitterness, hate, and pain. It means I know that even if I say anything I will not be understood by those who haven't reached that comprehension on their own yet. If I say anything, I will be accused of "taking it too seriously" or that "it's not healthy, here's statistics, they're a fat, ugly cow and should be taken out back and put down". I don't care what you or your statistics say, I'm aware that being overweight can some times negatively impact your health. But therein lies the rub doesn't it? "Some times". I'm aware that it's not the only reason and a person being overweight does not automatically equal unhealthiness.

I'm also aware as well that telling someone they're a "fat, ugly cow" is not only rude and cruel, it's demotivating and unproductive in general. Do you really think that someone who likely already has self esteem issues wants to hear about how a total stranger thinks they're ugly? Or how their best friend constantly makes them feel guilty for eating?

I've known thin people that are unhealthy, I've known big people that are healthy, and vice-versa. So long as you are *healthy* you shouldn't give two figs about your size. You are who you are and that is beautiful.

Be healthy, be lovely. How you "look" is irrelevant.

Sitting here with a broken heart right now. Fuck, being body-positive hurts like a bitch sometimes.