An illuminating conversation with my sister this break led me into an equally interesting revelation:
My father is still smarter than I give him credit for.
Now this shouldn’t be as surprising as it is, really, but at some point we all reach that stage in our lives where we have, not begun to question our parent’s intelligence and our childish belief that they know everything, no, but that we’ve questioned it for so long we actually begin to believe we know more than our parents. I don’t mean in that teenager “I know everything and my parent’s just don’t understaaaaand meeee”. I mean in that adult “I’ve grown up and yes they know more about some things but some of their beliefs are so backwards (and sometimes prejudice) that I take their knowledge with a grain of salt”. After all, these are productive times and every generation will struggle to understand the newer. We know this, we accept this, but sometimes it comes to be that your parent surprises you.
So this holiday I discovered the beauty in a revolution. A breaking of boundaries and an acceptance of sorts.
To give some back story, I had as a child, listened to my father talk of how I could be friends with a black man but never marry one, and that homosexuality was the greatest sin a person could commit and firey hanging death was all that one who practiced such a disgusting lifestyle could deserve. It is truly a testament to my mum that I not only didn’t take these ideas to heart but I actually describe as a bisexual now.
So it was an interesting conversation to have with my dad now along the lines of “so, how’s it going? Any boyfriends? Any girlfriends?” a couple years back.
My heart froze and then decided to jump apart into itty-bitty pieces and leap around my chest in confusion as electricity sparked through my brain turning me deaf, dumb and stupid. My ears were roaring, all I could think was ‘what, what, how did he find out, who told him, how does he know?’. So of course my only response after several agonizing far-too-long seconds of pause was “N-no. Nobody.”
I don’t exactly remember much of the conversation after that. There wasn’t much, just a brief goodbye, love you, the usual but heaven forbid I actually remember the words. All I could do after I hung up the phone was sit there, frozen, thinking ‘he knows’. Followed by ‘so nonchalant... he... doesn’t care?’. An unbelievable thought for me. How could he not care after that long rant as a child. Firey death and damnation, hell and torture, drawn-and-quartered and left for the buzzards (well, okay, not quite that bad, but he did actually state they should be burned at the stake, a rather impressionable statement to make to a child of maybe five or six). My father, the most backwards, prejudiced, homophobic man I ever knew (apart from my grandfather of course and that’s likely where he got it) didn’t care.
Now this would have been enough of a revelation but this holiday I was given another. According to my sister he had said a similar thing to her a few years back and of course, being straight as a board, her reply was flippant “girls? Dad, you know I’m straight” an answer I, of course, couldn’t give.
So my dad didn’t even know, he was testing the waters and had managed to outmanoeuvre me. The tricky bastard.
Add this to the fact that I’m so used to my Facebook being clogged with everyone’s status updates I’m used to people’s updates being lost in the fifty-million other updates I get, I had actually managed to successfully forget I had my stepmother on Facebook and she only knows 77 people and gets every update I make. Which as of late has been more gay-pride of late my dad and stepmum made the, absolutely correct but damned if I thought they’d ever realize it (then again it was prolly my stepmum cause god knows my dad’s not the sharpest tool in the shed and my stepmum’s the brains of the operation, I kid I kid... kind of), assumption that I am not entirely straight.
I’m going on the presumption that my dad has figured out I’m not 100% gay though considering I’ve still gushed about guys with my sister.
So yeah. Also, I actually had a conversation about my dad about his ideas on homosexuality. My stepmum has two friends who are together and gay and dad said he was civil and whatnot. Thing is, my dad is still a proper Christian. His answer has basically defaulted to, homosexuals can live as they like but they will answer to God in the end. Thing is, he doesn’t mean this in a cruel way anymore. No, it’s more of a “I don’t know if it’s wrong or right and it’s not up to me to decide, it’s up to God, I don’t personally like it but I will tolerate it”. But then he still thinks God will judge me. My dad thinks I’ll go to hell (or his idea of hell, not mine). “No I don’t. Or I hope you don’t. You’re a beautiful person and I think God will see that. I’m just not sure. It’s what God decides and we can’t know.” A very Agnostic view actually. That we can’t know. We don’t know and we won’t know until the end comes. I must be rubbing off on him.
I know this doesn’t sound like much to some people. In fact to some it still sounds as though my dad thinks “God thinks it’s wrong” but that’s not it. I know my dad. He has actually looked at something he full-blown hated before and went, “well I don’t like it, but it’s not my business”. My dad has done what thousands of religious zealots cannot. He’s looked at homosexuality and decided he still doesn’t like it, doesn’t understand it, thinks it’s weird, but it’s God’s decision, God’s love and God’s mercy and judgement.
I mean compared to his earlier ideas of “burn em”, holy shit, this is like him walking up to that gay couple and hugging them.
After years of agonizing, not being to tell my dad I’m bi, afraid he would find out and kick me out and hate me forever and we’ll never speak again, I have actually had a conversation with my father where he’s said to my face “I don’t get it, and I don’t understand it, and I don’t accept it, but it’s your life and your choices, I love you anyways and as for the other homosexuals, well, whatever, I won’t avidly seek them out, but I don’t hate them, God will decide their fate”.
I mean yeah, he won’t be going to Pride Days any time soon but he’s decided to take this part of my life and, while not wholeheartedly accept it, he’s gone “meh, all right, love you anyways, you’re my baby and that’s all that matters”.
That’s enough for me. :)
...
Also, he’s fine with the Agnostic bit too. Says that though he’s accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord and Saviour (yeah he’s a little preachy, I still love him to bits), it’s not for everyone and that God (or whatever) is still there for me (I think he’s mostly just happy I still have some faith).
So in the end, it’s up to God.
...
Who woulda thunk it? (Though heaven forbid I actually straight up say I'm bi. Hilariously enough we still have never had this conversation through all the revelations... I have no idea how this has happened. That's my family I suppose. Having revealing and in-depth conversations on a subject you will never actually label. *Snort*)
