All You Need Is Love (and a swift kick to the...)

Those that know me are aware I have a high penchant for posting ridiculously long Facebook status updates. I'm going to try and divert those to my blog now. Maybe it means I might update this bloody thing more often (and those who know me are also aware of how unlikely that is).

So, the... problem? That's the wrong word. I don't know the right one for this situation. It's not a problem, I guess it's a good thing... Anyway, I've been breaking the social stereotype of body image and my attitude towards it.

I admit, I wasn't happy with my body for a long time. This made me critical of other's bodies as well. I guess I figured so long as there were people out there bigger than me, I was still okay and I had somewhere to direct the hatred I recieved from other people, and myself. I didn't have the best of reactions to people I thought were 'unhealthy' (unhealthy being what I deemed 'overweight'). I never called someone fat to their face, but I was very critical. I laughed at the movies depicting bigger people as these toddling, socially awkward beings. I giggled, but awkwardly, at the pictures with 'funny' captions but at the same time would defend to the death my larger friends from bullies. I was in this strange dual-mindset where I still loved my friends and found them attractive as well, but I would still hate myself, still laugh at the jokes, somewhat self-depricatingly I admit. Now that I'm older I've realized so long as you are *healthy* it doesn't matter your size.

And having to admit that I used to think like this brings a feeling of shame and disgust. That I am admitting to this, and my previous body issues, that I so thoroughly hated myself that I judged others just because they were "uglier" so I wasn't so disgusting in comparison... I'm ashamed of the person I used to be. I was a person of circumstance, but still... I'm ashamed I even looked at someone who wasn't thin and thought them unhealthy and gross. I thought my feelings of attractiveness towards bigger women was strange and abnormal (and this was after trying to comprehend finding women attractive at all). Being fat was being unhealthy. How could I find it attractive? People aren't meant to be that size, I thought. There must have been something wrong with me. After all, I was big and I was ugly. How could someone else be big and beautiful?

So I made a cutoff point. After a certain size, a certain number of rolls, or if their breasts didn't compensate for their bellies, then they weren't healthy. Or attractive. Even if my brain thought they were pretty, I wouldn't allow myself to think that. They couldn't be pretty. Because I wasn't pretty.

I know now that it doesn't matter how you look, someone finds you beautiful. Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean someone else doesn't (and that is including yourself). Your personal tastes are not a reflection of what "beauty" is and has no say on other people's opinion of what is "beautiful" or "sexy".

That being said, it's making a lot of posts I'm seeing nowadays along the lines of "Oh god, that girl is fat/ugly isn't she? Here, let me post this picture, with a 'funny' caption of 'look at this ugly bitch' so we can all laugh at someone we don't know, and are judging just because we don't like how she looks" all the more hurtful.

In a way I'm grateful to myself for having the comprehension to now understand my formerly critical thinking. I'm grateful I appreciate my body more days than not. I'm grateful I appreciate other people's bodies more days than not. I'm grateful my knee-jerk reaction isn't always an appalled or insecure giggle to body-hating jokes. I'm grateful I can look at these images and not find them funny, but depressing.

But having the knowledge and the acceptance means that my Facebook feed is occassionally tinged with bitterness, hate, and pain. It means I know that even if I say anything I will not be understood by those who haven't reached that comprehension on their own yet. If I say anything, I will be accused of "taking it too seriously" or that "it's not healthy, here's statistics, they're a fat, ugly cow and should be taken out back and put down". I don't care what you or your statistics say, I'm aware that being overweight can some times negatively impact your health. But therein lies the rub doesn't it? "Some times". I'm aware that it's not the only reason and a person being overweight does not automatically equal unhealthiness.

I'm also aware as well that telling someone they're a "fat, ugly cow" is not only rude and cruel, it's demotivating and unproductive in general. Do you really think that someone who likely already has self esteem issues wants to hear about how a total stranger thinks they're ugly? Or how their best friend constantly makes them feel guilty for eating?

I've known thin people that are unhealthy, I've known big people that are healthy, and vice-versa. So long as you are *healthy* you shouldn't give two figs about your size. You are who you are and that is beautiful.

Be healthy, be lovely. How you "look" is irrelevant.

Sitting here with a broken heart right now. Fuck, being body-positive hurts like a bitch sometimes.

I need feminism because...

Pic from here!

Ah I still remember it fondly. I was seventeen, I was a month away from high school graduation, I had been accepted to go to university in the fall for Computer Science.

I was just finishing up my Grade 12 Comp class, our final project was to go through all the specs on the new laptops on the market and find the one with the best specs with the cheapest price. My comp sci teacher was a genius who taught us all about good laptops and with over twenty students was able to take his pick of which new laptop he would buy that year from our assignments. Whichever he decided on in the end, the person who's assignment he picked it from got the top mark and the rest of us were graded accordingly. He got a new laptop, and we learned the valuable lesson of researching before we buy. A lesson I'm still grateful for.

I'm on a music trip with my other classmates, we're in Toronto and in the mall. There's a science/tecnology expo. Numerous displays and plenty of informed people around to answer questions.

I'm feeling pretty good. We're going to the opera tonight, I have my hair straightened and flipped out a bit, my makeup is nice, I'm wearing contacts (a rare occasion), I have my favourite dress on.

A certain display catches my eye. Laptops. Laptops everywhere. Shiny, new, whirring and humming. I think I can almost feel the buzz of running electricity and technology on my skin, in my veins. A techie at heart, I'm drawn in, and why not? I can peruse, get some updates on what's new on the market before I make my final pick on what laptop I'll buy for the start of my new program.

There's a person there, a worker with the display. He looks not too much older than me. Someone my own age who I could talk to, who could relate with me, I could build a rapport. I'm more comfortable around people my own age right now. I'm only 17 after all. I'm relaxed and excited at the same time. I'm prepared and smiling. I begin cursory introductions and talk about how I'm looking for a laptop. I don't have time to mention about my shiny, new program, my research, and what I want.

The words "I'm looking for a laptop" come out of my mouth and I instantly lose all control of the situation.

They have a newer model on the market, brand new, look at the newness, isn't it shiny? See the size. It's small and lightweight. It's under fifteen lbs, new on the market. It's not heavy at all.

It comes in pink.

Finally reattaching my brain to the rest of my body again I manage enough connection between brain and mouth to stammer "What's the bus speed?".

The reaction is hesitation, a blank stare. I repeat my question. He shakes his head and tells me the answer. I shake my head in the negative and tell him the lowest bus speed I would accept.

I ask him the RAM, tell him again the answer is unacceptable. I need 4GB. What's the chip? He haultingly answers my questions, his face scrunching up in confusion like a puppy. You're kidding right? I want dual-core. What's the laptop size? No, I want 17 inch. Yes I realize it's heavy. I'm aware of this. I want the bigger screen so I can play video games and not have to squint and on that note, what's the graphics card like?

He finally finishes answering my questions. I say thank you for your time, I was just browsing but I thought to check out the new toys on the market before making my pick for the new semester at university for Computer Science.


I watch the look of dawning comprehension. There's a hint of respect as well.

I think of the effort, and the arguing, and the sheer and utter frustration I've just been subjected to, just to finally at the end see that respect I deserved from the start.

I despair.

I've never forgotten.