So I
had someone ask why I say "Happy Holidays" if I'm in the mindset of
"take the gesture as it's meant". And I had to explain, well A) I've
worked so many bloody public/customer service jobs I just got in the
habit. Specifically when I worked at my uni's library and my uni was
hugely multi-cultural. Most of the funding came from international
students, so 60-70% of the people I saw, were not from Canada and not
Christian. Also I have a entire group of friends that are Pagan, so I
just got used to it.
B) Just because I'll
take the phrase in the spirit as it's meant, doesn't mean I won't make a
pointed effort to be inclusive. Not everyone celebrates Christmas,
myself not being a Christian (my family is, I fell out a while back and
just stick with Agnostic for those needing a definition) I feel a bit awkward saying "Merry Christmas".
I love celebrating all holidays with everyone. Celebrating others holidays is always fun and a great way to understand other's cultures/beliefs. However, I don't fault whatever holiday you say so long as you mean to
wish me well. I just personally make an attempt to be all-encompassing
in my well-wishes.
C) I don't know. I just feel awkward about it. While I understand everyone celebrates their own holiday, at the same time, Christmas is this huge holiday that has spread almost everywhere. We have public mandated holidays for a holiday that, well, not everyone celebrates.
I feel bad for those people that don't celebrate Christmas, but have this vacation based around a holiday/religion they're not a part of. They see big displays of it. They hear music about it (and lemme tell you, for someone not Christian or even very spiritual, most "holiday" music is awkward). From the time Thanksgiving/Halloween is over (in whichever respective country you live in), all you see/hear is Christmas. Christmas Christmas Christmas.
And it's not everyone's holiday. The idea behind Christmas is a wonderful one, don't get me wrong. Giving and well-wishes and seriously awesome food. Not a bad idea. Just, the whole thing is so commercialized, and pushy.
I wonder about other people who aren't Christian. Who's entire environment is now set up for a holiday they don't celebrate. Their workplace will also summarily be invaded. Their only freedom their house. Unless they turn on the TV or radio. Or unless you're like me and you're family is Christian. My thing is, I may not be that religious but I freakin love Christmas and giving my family gifts. Which is a bit odd because I'm actively celebrating a holiday with my family that is based around a religion I no longer follow, but c'est la vie.
But it's why it bothers me so much, these people that get up in arms about the phrase "Happy Holidays". While I understand it is "Christmas", you're basically telling these people that are forced to include your holiday into their lives, that they also have to use your terminology?
I'm sorry but I don't think that's fair.
Yes, it's considered a Christian holiday. But that just further emphasizes the point of how exclusive our calendar is. How many people celebrating Hanukkah get to have the week off? Or even a day. For crying out loud it's at the end of November this year. They don't get a holiday. They get finals. Or just work.
These people that are bitching about "Happy Holidays" just come off as privileged jerks to me.
However, I don't deny you your right to say Merry Christmas.
If you honestly and truly intend to wish me a Merry Christmas, you're wishing me a time of love and caring and joy. And I will 100% fully take that sentiment and keep it warm in my heart. I appreciate it.
The idea behind Christmas is a wonderful one. Kindness and gifts to those you love and family. Just, if you're getting pissy about someone saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Maybe consider first why this person would say Happy Holidays. In my case, I worked public service and it was my job to be inclusive. In some cases, maybe the person isn't Christian, what a concept.
But I'm sorry, when your holiday is the only one that matters in the eyes of major businesses, when your holiday invades every nook, cranny, and inch of everything, everywhere, to the point where you can't escape it, it's not fair for you to get pissy about terminology.
Your entire holiday is based on good will towards men. Maybe show it?
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Relationships and Cakes (and Not Cakes)
So in thinking about relationships, I’ve realized the
problem some people have:
They’re thinking about relationships like a recipe.
See to them, there’s this sense of success with a
relationship. There’s a checklist. If you have A and then you get B and finally
hit C boom, you have a successful relationship.
So what they’re doing is spending their lives accumulating the
perfect ingredients and at the end of it, finally, they will have a perfect
cake.
And it’s only their cake that is perfect.
And that’s the problem.
What if I want to use almond milk? What about egg substitute?
Chocolate instead of vanilla?
Well then to them it’s not a proper cake. It’s not a worthwhile cake. It’s less somehow.
Well then to them it’s not a proper cake. It’s not a worthwhile cake. It’s less somehow.
And that’s the problem.
My cake is no less of a cake for not having used your
recipe. My cake is still a perfectly serviceable cake. And to me, maybe I like
my recipe better. I’m not saying your cake is bad, but I have my own recipe and
it’s tried and true and perfected. Or maybe it isn’t, but I can experiment
right? It’s my bloody cake, you’re not eating it anyway, so get out of my
kitchen.
And maybe I’ve only got a couple ingredients and I make a
smaller cake, it’s not any less tasty than yours. Maybe I don’t want to wait as
long for cake. I have enough to make a small cake and I’ll take that small cake
now, thank you. Instead of waiting around until I have all the right stuff for
a bigger “proper” cake. Maybe I won’t get the chance to have that bigger “proper”
cake. Maybe this little cake is all I’ll get, so I’ll enjoy it now while I have
the time.
And maybe I don’t want cake! Maybe I want
cupcakes! Maybe I like cupcakes better because there are more of them and they
can be individualized! Maybe I want one cupcake with chocolate icing right now,
but I might want buttercream icing later. And what if I’m just not a cake person? Maybe I want brownies!
And that’s how I see relationships. Not everyone wants your
cake. Not everyone is coveting your cake. Your cake is not the perfect cake. It
might be perfect for you, but not for me.
Maybe I have my own recipe. Maybe I want cupcakes. Maybe I want brownies.
Maybe I don’t even like sweets.
It doesn’t matter.
It’s my goddamn kitchen.
Stay out of my kitchen.
And stay out of my relationship(s).
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Taxes (AKA I Have Serious Feels About Public Education And I'm Not Really Sorry)
Taxes bother me. Not the doing them part (well no, that too), just, they don’t teach you how to do them.
Seriously, you take an average kid that hates math and force them to learn it, and really, beyond your basic math skills, no kid needs it. No kid unless they become a mathematician or a physicist or what-have-you needs math. And if they want to become these things? If they truly love math? They’ll take the courses. I took music for crying out loud and art. And those weren’t deemed ‘necessary’.
But we force kids to take courses they don’t like and don’t need.
But we don’t teach them how to do taxes.
I mean, seriously, taxes are this ridiculous, necessary evil of life and the whole goddamn world is like “Figure it out yourself. Oh you can’t? Well since you effed up, we’re just gonna take money from you for your mistake. I mean, how could you mess up filling out something WE NEVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FILL OUT? HAHAHA!”
You know who taught me how to do taxes? My mum. You know who taught me about girly things and how they do and don’t work? My sister and best friend. You know who taught me about how to make a resume and *actually* find a job and get an apartment and all these life things I needed to know? People and the internet. You know what didn’t? Public school.
You wonder why kids don’t want to sit in a desk learning a bunch of crap they don’t need when they’re well aware that absolutely everything they need to know in life they’re either going to learn from a random person in their life or the internet.
Somewhere down the line, a kid is going to be plunked down in front of a stack of papers they absolutely, 100%, *need* to fill out, and will continue having to fill out for the rest of their working lives, and they will have no fucking clue how to fill these forms out. But if they fill them out wrong, the government can take their money, or even put them in jail.
But who cares since you’re teaching them how to play Where’s Waldo with ‘x’ and ‘y’ graphs?
Seriously, you take an average kid that hates math and force them to learn it, and really, beyond your basic math skills, no kid needs it. No kid unless they become a mathematician or a physicist or what-have-you needs math. And if they want to become these things? If they truly love math? They’ll take the courses. I took music for crying out loud and art. And those weren’t deemed ‘necessary’.
But we force kids to take courses they don’t like and don’t need.
But we don’t teach them how to do taxes.
I mean, seriously, taxes are this ridiculous, necessary evil of life and the whole goddamn world is like “Figure it out yourself. Oh you can’t? Well since you effed up, we’re just gonna take money from you for your mistake. I mean, how could you mess up filling out something WE NEVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FILL OUT? HAHAHA!”
You know who taught me how to do taxes? My mum. You know who taught me about girly things and how they do and don’t work? My sister and best friend. You know who taught me about how to make a resume and *actually* find a job and get an apartment and all these life things I needed to know? People and the internet. You know what didn’t? Public school.
You wonder why kids don’t want to sit in a desk learning a bunch of crap they don’t need when they’re well aware that absolutely everything they need to know in life they’re either going to learn from a random person in their life or the internet.
Somewhere down the line, a kid is going to be plunked down in front of a stack of papers they absolutely, 100%, *need* to fill out, and will continue having to fill out for the rest of their working lives, and they will have no fucking clue how to fill these forms out. But if they fill them out wrong, the government can take their money, or even put them in jail.
But who cares since you’re teaching them how to play Where’s Waldo with ‘x’ and ‘y’ graphs?
Public Education, Post-Secondary and the Internet (Or Why The First Is Unnecessary)
Basically I’ve determined that publicly funded education teaches you things the world thinks you should know. College/University teaches you what you think you should know (which at least is your choice). And the internet teaches you what you actually need to know.
Which sure is muddled in with useless shit for the hell of it. But at least the ratio of useful to useless shit can be balanced or even positively one-sided on the internet if you choose. Whereas really, all public school taught me is that I dislike most ‘normal’ people and my self-worth is balanced with how good my marks are (determined by if my teacher likes me), and if I’ve managed to somehow understand the system of socializing to make people like me (determined by fucked if I know even now).
I’d rather spend hours reading useless things online because they make me happy, then spend another minute in an English class being told that I’m interpreting a poem wrong because it disagrees with the professors interpretation.
Friday, June 14, 2013
Reasons Why I Act The Way I Do In Conversations (And Why I'm Sorry But Not Sorry)
So I have a tumblr. If you're wondering why it's relevant, well:
I recently made the company of an absolutely fantastic woman living in New Zealand. And her and I have been chatting back and forth. Anyway, the point is, we started talking about the privacy or lack thereof of our blogs/tumblrs/what-have-you. And this explanation came to fruition on my part.
See this is the thing, since I left high school, since I finally accepted myself as pansexual (well it was bisexual, my personal definition has broadened since then, ha) I’ve also been admitting my love of slash. To people I know, to old friends, to anyone I meet. It tends to come up in conversations alongside my queer-ness and my sheer epic levels of nerd I have going on. XD
So I’m not really quiet about myself per se, but I don’t avidly promote my things on Facebook (except my blog, I promote the fuck out of my blog because I love it). It’s not a shame thing, it’s a “hey I have tumblr, but I post slash (which is men together with men if you're curious), also feminist rants and nerd-love, so if you don’t care about the slew of SteveTony I post: follow me! If you’re not comfortable with it: then that’s okay too”. Sort of a “I respect your shipping (which is romancing) of certain characters or lack thereof” kind of thing. But I've realized I do keep my tumblr on the down-low (it's here btw, fuck it I don't care anymore). So I like slash. And I'm queer. And my tumblr reflects that sometimes (all the time).
Anyway, it’s funny actually, because I have a friend who mentioned “why does you being bisexual come up in almost *every* conversation with people” and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her but I will next time it comes up that I bring it up because I want to know who is and isn’t comfortable with my lifestyle so I can not be friends with them.
It utterly fucking torturous to make friends just to realize later that they disagree with your state of being. And I think I’m going to have to tell her this, because to her it’s old hat and it’s frustrating that I keep bringing it up around everyone in every conversation. But to me it’s important.
To her it’s just the way I am, and I respect the fuck out of her for that, but for me? For me it’s always going to be this great, big, defining characteristic of my life and I want to know who truly accepts me and who doesn’t. And even the people that say they do? There’s this scared, dark part inside me that wants to be constantly reassured that no, there are people in my life that honestly don’t give a shit.
So I'm sorry but not sorry that I keep finding subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways to bring my sexuality up in almost every conversations, and I'm sorry not sorry that you feel I'm rehashing things you've already accepted, but see, here's the thing: sometimes I don't believe you. For that I am sorry. And maybe I do believe you all the time, but we're with someone else, and I don't believe them.
The reasons behind my consistent mentioning of my queerness are many and varied so I beg you to bear with me. But I'm sort of always waiting for that ultimate moment in a conversation with a relatively new person where I bring up the fact I'm queer and the look on their face? Inherently changes.
Because it happens.
And I know it's frustrating to hear me repeat myself but here's the thing: It's not about you. Deal with it.
This doesn't affect you outside of a repeated thought pattern on my part. The only way this affects you is that you have to hear me say I'm queer again.
Wanna know how it affects me? It affects me in that I have to try to find increasingly less subtle ways to bring my sexuality up in regular conversation. It affects me because I can lose a potential new friend over this.
I could lose a potential new job or opportunity.
I could utterly disgust someone.
And I want to fucking know this before I become friends with someone.
So I'm sorry not sorry. I know it's frustrating for you. But this is legitimately something you're going to have to deal with.
Because to you, it's a boring old-hat conversation, whatever. To me? This is potentially world-changing, life-shattering, consequence-bearing revelations that I absolutely positively need to know the reaction to before I interact with someone new.
Because I refuse to hide again. Pretend I don't hear the mocked slurs. Pretend it doesn't matter. It does matter to me. It is me. So I need this information. About my sexuality, and also about my love of slash.
Because slash fiction/art/life has always been inherently intwined with my life. It introduced me to my best friend. It had me surviving through a truly dark moment in my teenage years by providing me with a fun outlet with a caring support group. Plus it makes me happy. Very happy. It's introduced me to wonderful people, provided me with hours of entertainment and generally made my life a much better thing.
Maybe that doesn't seem as important as my sexuality, but to me it is. Because my love of slash is just the flipped side of the queer spectrum and guess what? I want to know that too.
I want to know if you not only accept me and my likes, but you won't mock me for shipping two men together. Because people have some strange ships in games/books/movies/etc, and mine being Steve and Tony shouldn't be any more weird than, fuck I don't know, Loki and Darcy? I haven't read/seen it personally (yet), but I know it's out there, because it's the Avengers fandom and we are many, varied, and sometimes we're just odd. Loveable all the same, but odd.
And so help me god if I never have to listen to another conversation like I did in high school about two girls being together is fine, but two men are disgusting fudgepackers, I will be fucking happy.
I don't think you understand my being queer doesn't mean I want to know you just accept me, but you accept everyone like me. And admitting my love of slash means I not only get to see if you accept my tastes, but also gay-love. So there's that. It's just as important.
And on a similar note, I'm sorry not sorry but I'll keep bringing up the fact I'm pansexual when you stop looking at me pole-axed whenever I look at a woman. Because you keep seeming to forget I'm queer. And if my admiring a woman still makes you pause for a moment while you remember I'm queer? Then I'm going to keep reminding you.
And so help me if you keep rolling your eyes whenever I admire a woman I'm gonna keep fucking mentioning it. My being queer is not this suffering thing. My being queer is not annoying or exhasperating. If you can say 'oh s/he's cute' without someone rolling their eyes? I can do the same fucking thing.
So bear with me.
Sorry not sorry.
I recently made the company of an absolutely fantastic woman living in New Zealand. And her and I have been chatting back and forth. Anyway, the point is, we started talking about the privacy or lack thereof of our blogs/tumblrs/what-have-you. And this explanation came to fruition on my part.
See this is the thing, since I left high school, since I finally accepted myself as pansexual (well it was bisexual, my personal definition has broadened since then, ha) I’ve also been admitting my love of slash. To people I know, to old friends, to anyone I meet. It tends to come up in conversations alongside my queer-ness and my sheer epic levels of nerd I have going on. XD
So I’m not really quiet about myself per se, but I don’t avidly promote my things on Facebook (except my blog, I promote the fuck out of my blog because I love it). It’s not a shame thing, it’s a “hey I have tumblr, but I post slash (which is men together with men if you're curious), also feminist rants and nerd-love, so if you don’t care about the slew of SteveTony I post: follow me! If you’re not comfortable with it: then that’s okay too”. Sort of a “I respect your shipping (which is romancing) of certain characters or lack thereof” kind of thing. But I've realized I do keep my tumblr on the down-low (it's here btw, fuck it I don't care anymore). So I like slash. And I'm queer. And my tumblr reflects that sometimes (all the time).
Anyway, it’s funny actually, because I have a friend who mentioned “why does you being bisexual come up in almost *every* conversation with people” and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her but I will next time it comes up that I bring it up because I want to know who is and isn’t comfortable with my lifestyle so I can not be friends with them.
It utterly fucking torturous to make friends just to realize later that they disagree with your state of being. And I think I’m going to have to tell her this, because to her it’s old hat and it’s frustrating that I keep bringing it up around everyone in every conversation. But to me it’s important.
To her it’s just the way I am, and I respect the fuck out of her for that, but for me? For me it’s always going to be this great, big, defining characteristic of my life and I want to know who truly accepts me and who doesn’t. And even the people that say they do? There’s this scared, dark part inside me that wants to be constantly reassured that no, there are people in my life that honestly don’t give a shit.
So I'm sorry but not sorry that I keep finding subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways to bring my sexuality up in almost every conversations, and I'm sorry not sorry that you feel I'm rehashing things you've already accepted, but see, here's the thing: sometimes I don't believe you. For that I am sorry. And maybe I do believe you all the time, but we're with someone else, and I don't believe them.
The reasons behind my consistent mentioning of my queerness are many and varied so I beg you to bear with me. But I'm sort of always waiting for that ultimate moment in a conversation with a relatively new person where I bring up the fact I'm queer and the look on their face? Inherently changes.
Because it happens.
And I know it's frustrating to hear me repeat myself but here's the thing: It's not about you. Deal with it.
This doesn't affect you outside of a repeated thought pattern on my part. The only way this affects you is that you have to hear me say I'm queer again.
Wanna know how it affects me? It affects me in that I have to try to find increasingly less subtle ways to bring my sexuality up in regular conversation. It affects me because I can lose a potential new friend over this.
I could lose a potential new job or opportunity.
I could utterly disgust someone.
And I want to fucking know this before I become friends with someone.
So I'm sorry not sorry. I know it's frustrating for you. But this is legitimately something you're going to have to deal with.
Because to you, it's a boring old-hat conversation, whatever. To me? This is potentially world-changing, life-shattering, consequence-bearing revelations that I absolutely positively need to know the reaction to before I interact with someone new.
Because I refuse to hide again. Pretend I don't hear the mocked slurs. Pretend it doesn't matter. It does matter to me. It is me. So I need this information. About my sexuality, and also about my love of slash.
Because slash fiction/art/life has always been inherently intwined with my life. It introduced me to my best friend. It had me surviving through a truly dark moment in my teenage years by providing me with a fun outlet with a caring support group. Plus it makes me happy. Very happy. It's introduced me to wonderful people, provided me with hours of entertainment and generally made my life a much better thing.
Maybe that doesn't seem as important as my sexuality, but to me it is. Because my love of slash is just the flipped side of the queer spectrum and guess what? I want to know that too.
I want to know if you not only accept me and my likes, but you won't mock me for shipping two men together. Because people have some strange ships in games/books/movies/etc, and mine being Steve and Tony shouldn't be any more weird than, fuck I don't know, Loki and Darcy? I haven't read/seen it personally (yet), but I know it's out there, because it's the Avengers fandom and we are many, varied, and sometimes we're just odd. Loveable all the same, but odd.
And so help me god if I never have to listen to another conversation like I did in high school about two girls being together is fine, but two men are disgusting fudgepackers, I will be fucking happy.
I don't think you understand my being queer doesn't mean I want to know you just accept me, but you accept everyone like me. And admitting my love of slash means I not only get to see if you accept my tastes, but also gay-love. So there's that. It's just as important.
And on a similar note, I'm sorry not sorry but I'll keep bringing up the fact I'm pansexual when you stop looking at me pole-axed whenever I look at a woman. Because you keep seeming to forget I'm queer. And if my admiring a woman still makes you pause for a moment while you remember I'm queer? Then I'm going to keep reminding you.
And so help me if you keep rolling your eyes whenever I admire a woman I'm gonna keep fucking mentioning it. My being queer is not this suffering thing. My being queer is not annoying or exhasperating. If you can say 'oh s/he's cute' without someone rolling their eyes? I can do the same fucking thing.
So bear with me.
Sorry not sorry.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Positive Confidence (or how an article caused me to rant... again)
So I was reading this article and felt the need to comment as I'm prone to do.
Okay so while I understand the general gist behind this article and approve of a fair bit, I have some serious issues with some of the points made.
The points I agree with:
1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong.
I like this. People that are positively confident are not afraid to speak out and be proven wrong sometimes. Learning experiences ftw!
4. They freely ask for help.
Ask for help. Yes. Please. Always. It is not a bad thing to ask for help. And even if you know how to do a job, doesn't mean someone else hasn't figured out a more efficient way. Or you might just save some time and make a new friend by asking around. Help is not a crutch. Getting help is not a weakness.
5. They think, “Why not me?”
To be promoted or discovered or get what you want in life you have to work your butt off and promote yourself. Get out there and be positive, and don't wait around for the magic moment. Make it.
6. They don't put down other people.
Gossip kills. It really does. It's painful to others and if you're not enough of a good person to care about that, then consider this: it makes you look bad too. If you're constantly bad-mouthing people it doesn't make you very liked. Maybe you don't have to be liked in your life, but not being seen as a berk has it's benefits.
7. They aren’t afraid to look silly…
Don't be afraid to look silly. I've had the most fun in my life doing utterly ridiculous things. If you're in a flash mob, dance like a crazy person, if you're helping with a charity, wear funny face paint, smile for people, look like a fool. People appreciate someone that can enjoy life. Well, most people. And acting silly can be fun. Don't be afraid to do silly things. Stick your tongue out in photos, it'll make good memories later. Laughter is a wonderful thing.
8. … And they own their mistakes.
Admit when you're wrong. Goodness yes. We don't learn without mistakes. And we don't make mistakes without trying. So don't be afraid to try things and fuck up. You'll know better next time (hopefully). Take every embarrassing, horrible moment in your life and find the life-lesson within.
Admit you're wrong and you're admitting you're ignorant. You lack knowledge. And there is someone there to help you. You can be informed and next time not be wrong. Don't choose to be consistently wrong to save face. It's far more terrible to know you're wrong and continue in error, then take five minutes of embarrassment and learn something new.
9. They only seek approval from the people who really matter.
Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those that mind don't matter. And those that matter don't mind. - Dr. Suess
Don't care what terrible people say. If they're right, then accept it and move on. But don't take every hateful reprimand from every low-lying jerk-off to heart. There is a reason for what you believe and what you say. If you aren't wrong, don't pretend like you are to have more friends. If you're wrong but they're still cruel, admit you're wrong and move on from that problem, and from them.
Don't keep people around that are hurtful. They aren't worth your time and you can't please everybody.
The points I disagree with:
2. They listen ten times more than they speak.
Confident people are quiet and unassuming?
I'm sorry I have a problem with this. Certainly you should always make a point to listen to people, but exactly when did it become an issue to be communicative? Why in the ever living fuck do I have to be quiet to be confident? Am I any less a positive confident person by talking a lot? Why am I not allowed to share experiences? I don't think I should be taking over a conversation but why the hell can't it be equal? Why do I have to listen more than I speak? Why can't speaking and listening be on the same level? I don't believe talking is a bad thing.
Why, to be confident, am I not allowed to be communicative? Or at the very least have to stifle my communication. No I don't think everything I say is important, but neither is everything that other people say and I should be allowed the time to say profound things as well as stupid things.
At the same time, yes, I should listen to people, but I should have the sense of peace knowing they will do the same for me.
3. They duck the spotlight so it shines on others.
Do the bulk of the work, overcome the obstacles, but let other people take the credit is what I'm hearing.
I'm not a fucking doormat.
Fuck you no. I am not any less confident for expecting fucking credit for my work. I am proud of my accomplishments and I don't need other's approval, but so help me fucking god if I pulled my weight I deserve equal fucking credit.
Do you have any idea what you accomplish when you never take credit for the sweat, blood, and tears you pore into a work? Nothing. I know this from experience. Hell, even if you do get credit sometimes other mitigating factors (queer, woman) fuck you over. But I still deserve the respect to be appreciated by my peers.
I'm not saying to not let others have their moment of glory. If they deserve it beautiful. But, and here's the thing, you deserve it too. If you worked on a group project, stand there proudly with your group. Don't lurk in the shadows content with being unseen. You did the work, you're allowed to take fucking credit for it.
5. Very quietly, without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
Umm excuse me but isn't this contradictory? You legitimatedly cannot build a business or promote yourself quietly. It doesn't work that way. If you want to connect with people and attract funding you have to put yourself out there. Saying to take advantage of social media and contact people, but in the same time saying to do it without calling attention on your needs? Is pretty contradictory.
So it's about half and half my pros and cons on this list. But my cons are pretty important to me.
I don't have to be quiet to be positively confident. I don't have to let others take credit for my work. I don't have to hide in the shadows.
The rest however, is still decent advice.
Okay so while I understand the general gist behind this article and approve of a fair bit, I have some serious issues with some of the points made.
The points I agree with:
1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong.
I like this. People that are positively confident are not afraid to speak out and be proven wrong sometimes. Learning experiences ftw!
4. They freely ask for help.
Ask for help. Yes. Please. Always. It is not a bad thing to ask for help. And even if you know how to do a job, doesn't mean someone else hasn't figured out a more efficient way. Or you might just save some time and make a new friend by asking around. Help is not a crutch. Getting help is not a weakness.
5. They think, “Why not me?”
To be promoted or discovered or get what you want in life you have to work your butt off and promote yourself. Get out there and be positive, and don't wait around for the magic moment. Make it.
6. They don't put down other people.
Gossip kills. It really does. It's painful to others and if you're not enough of a good person to care about that, then consider this: it makes you look bad too. If you're constantly bad-mouthing people it doesn't make you very liked. Maybe you don't have to be liked in your life, but not being seen as a berk has it's benefits.
7. They aren’t afraid to look silly…
Don't be afraid to look silly. I've had the most fun in my life doing utterly ridiculous things. If you're in a flash mob, dance like a crazy person, if you're helping with a charity, wear funny face paint, smile for people, look like a fool. People appreciate someone that can enjoy life. Well, most people. And acting silly can be fun. Don't be afraid to do silly things. Stick your tongue out in photos, it'll make good memories later. Laughter is a wonderful thing.
8. … And they own their mistakes.
Admit when you're wrong. Goodness yes. We don't learn without mistakes. And we don't make mistakes without trying. So don't be afraid to try things and fuck up. You'll know better next time (hopefully). Take every embarrassing, horrible moment in your life and find the life-lesson within.
Admit you're wrong and you're admitting you're ignorant. You lack knowledge. And there is someone there to help you. You can be informed and next time not be wrong. Don't choose to be consistently wrong to save face. It's far more terrible to know you're wrong and continue in error, then take five minutes of embarrassment and learn something new.
9. They only seek approval from the people who really matter.
Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those that mind don't matter. And those that matter don't mind. - Dr. Suess
Don't care what terrible people say. If they're right, then accept it and move on. But don't take every hateful reprimand from every low-lying jerk-off to heart. There is a reason for what you believe and what you say. If you aren't wrong, don't pretend like you are to have more friends. If you're wrong but they're still cruel, admit you're wrong and move on from that problem, and from them.
Don't keep people around that are hurtful. They aren't worth your time and you can't please everybody.
The points I disagree with:
2. They listen ten times more than they speak.
Confident people are quiet and unassuming?
I'm sorry I have a problem with this. Certainly you should always make a point to listen to people, but exactly when did it become an issue to be communicative? Why in the ever living fuck do I have to be quiet to be confident? Am I any less a positive confident person by talking a lot? Why am I not allowed to share experiences? I don't think I should be taking over a conversation but why the hell can't it be equal? Why do I have to listen more than I speak? Why can't speaking and listening be on the same level? I don't believe talking is a bad thing.
Why, to be confident, am I not allowed to be communicative? Or at the very least have to stifle my communication. No I don't think everything I say is important, but neither is everything that other people say and I should be allowed the time to say profound things as well as stupid things.
At the same time, yes, I should listen to people, but I should have the sense of peace knowing they will do the same for me.
3. They duck the spotlight so it shines on others.
Do the bulk of the work, overcome the obstacles, but let other people take the credit is what I'm hearing.
I'm not a fucking doormat.
Fuck you no. I am not any less confident for expecting fucking credit for my work. I am proud of my accomplishments and I don't need other's approval, but so help me fucking god if I pulled my weight I deserve equal fucking credit.
Do you have any idea what you accomplish when you never take credit for the sweat, blood, and tears you pore into a work? Nothing. I know this from experience. Hell, even if you do get credit sometimes other mitigating factors (queer, woman) fuck you over. But I still deserve the respect to be appreciated by my peers.
I'm not saying to not let others have their moment of glory. If they deserve it beautiful. But, and here's the thing, you deserve it too. If you worked on a group project, stand there proudly with your group. Don't lurk in the shadows content with being unseen. You did the work, you're allowed to take fucking credit for it.
5. Very quietly, without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.
Umm excuse me but isn't this contradictory? You legitimatedly cannot build a business or promote yourself quietly. It doesn't work that way. If you want to connect with people and attract funding you have to put yourself out there. Saying to take advantage of social media and contact people, but in the same time saying to do it without calling attention on your needs? Is pretty contradictory.
So it's about half and half my pros and cons on this list. But my cons are pretty important to me.
I don't have to be quiet to be positively confident. I don't have to let others take credit for my work. I don't have to hide in the shadows.
The rest however, is still decent advice.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Mental Disorders: Over- and Under-Evaluated
A.K.A. I'm too tired to think of a clever title and that's actually the reason why I'm writing this.
A.K.A. I may or may not have Depression but I do hang around with people with mental disorders so I'm posting this anyway and if you think I don't have enough personal experience well that's your opinion.
A.K.A. I may or may not have Depression but I do hang around with people with mental disorders so I'm posting this anyway and if you think I don't have enough personal experience well that's your opinion.
Hey look, here’s me blogging when I should be studying for
my exam tonight, what else is new?
Right so I’m maybe not the most qualified to talk about
these things, but I figured it needed to be said.
Depression runs in my family. I’ve never been formally
diagnosed, but I’m thinking I might take the steps to get it checked out and it’s
mostly because of this reason: I’ve been having a wretched week in terms of
sleep. Only it’s been over-sleeping on my part, not under-sleeping which is the
norm. I’ve had problems sleeping for ages, but insomnia wasn’t really a good
term for it since sometimes I sleep too much. And then I did research. Turns
out over- and under-sleeping are both symptoms of depression. So that’s one
question solved. But the thing is. See this interesting thing? It’s still depression.
Funny enough, depression is not this lovely little box term
to describe hey sometimes I’m sad, whoop.
There are a lot of other symptoms and a lot of other issues involved.
And hey, even if I don’t have depression (or if it’s not
what’s causing my sleep issues) I still feel like this needs to be said:
I think we simultaneously pay too much and too little
attention to mental disorders.
On the one side, people don’t pay enough attention, because
many people with disorders are not medicated properly, or they aren’t taken
care of properly. Sometimes someone with depression needs help, and sometimes they
really just can’t function around people. If you don’t respect the person with
the disorder enough to determine when they actually need social contact, and
when they don’t, then you really shouldn’t be around them. Someone with
depression or social anxiety? Sometimes social interaction is not the solution. Certainly don’t leave
someone alone that needs help, but sometimes people need alone time.
Does this sound difficult to determine? It is. It really is.
But this is your friend/family member/partner. It’s sort of your responsibility
to at least make the attempt. And if you don’t want to put that much effort in,
then walk off. If you don’t want to put that much effort in, you’re just
hurting the person. Someone with a disorder needs helpful people, if you don’t
think you can be that person, then don’t try to be. Sorry. You may want to
help, but you’re just making it worse. It’s a lot of fucking work helping
someone with a disorder, visible or not, that’s a fact of life. If you’re not
up to it, that’s fine, not everyone is, but sticking around without knowing
what you’re doing is only exacerbating the problem.
And on the other side: paying too much attention.
See here’s the thing. You don’t want to tell someone you
have depression. Especially in my case where I’m not medically diagnosed but I
probably have a small strain of it. To label myself as having depression may
not be entirely accurate and could lead to a lot of judgement if it turns out
that’s not the reason for my sleep issues. Certainly I have bad days that are
also likely a symptom, but the sleep thing? Could be something as simple as a
vitamin deficiency. Or possibly anemia. Who the hell knows (and that’s why I’m
making an appointment for bloodwork). But either way, telling someone you have/think
you have depression? Usually doesn’t end well. And here’s the reason why.
The second you tell someone you have depression, or any sort
of mental disorder. They start treating you differently. All of a sudden
everything you do is because of this disorder. Are you angry? Depression. Are
you sad? Depression.
And this is really fucking annoying.
All right, related example? I’m a woman. Do you know how
annoying it is every time I get frustrated for someone to assume I’m on my
period? That’s really not a woman’s only reason for being emotional. I’m
allowed to be emotional and not be on my period. And it’s the same with mental
disorders.
I’m sorry but just because a person has a mental disorder doesn’t
mean that’s the reasoning for every. fucking. thing. they. do.
Sometimes you have good days. Sometimes you have bad days. And sometimes this has nothing to do with
your fucking depression. Sometimes you wake up late, burn your toast, and
your car won’t start. This has nothing to do with a mental disorder. You’ve
just had a bad fucking day. Everyone has them.
The second you tell someone you have a mental disorder, you
are no longer a whole, complete person. You are a fragment. Everything about
you is held together by your disorder and everything you do is defined by your
disorder. You become your disorder.
And this is fucking bullshit.
Whether I have a disorder or not is yet to be determined,
but it pisses me off to see other people with disorders where every emotional
reaction they have is analyzed by their disorder. People are allowed to be sad
or angry without it having to do with their disorder. Human beings are capable
of an absolutely beautiful eclectic series of emotions and expressing them
shouldn’t be a bad thing.
And in the same turn, sometimes you can be sad for no
reason. As much as it’s an odd thought, sometimes someone is sad for no reason.
They could have gotten a puppy, got a new partner, won a gift basket,
what-have-you, and they’ll still be sad. That happens too.
Like I said, it’s confusing as fuck, and I’m sorry. But it’s
confusing for the person too. And if you can’t handle that, then stay away. But
don’t avoid someone outright just because they have a disorder.
Ugh, so basically, a person is not their disorder
wholeheartedly, but it is still a part of them. People with disorders can be
confusing, and dual-minded, and happy/sad/angry/confused, and this could all
switch in a moment. And it sucks. But that’s life. And it’s especially their life. Not yours. And your
judgement doesn’t help. Either try to be that positive/helpful person in their
life, or don’t be a person in their life. If you only want to be around someone
when they’re happy, then you’re not a very good friend.
People are sad sometimes, angry sometimes, and happy
sometimes. To be happy all the time isn’t normal, certainly more happy than not
is ideal, but if you don’t want to be friends with someone just because they’re
sad? That’s not fair. But it’s probably for the best. It’s better for the person
if you just leave.
I admit it’s hard to help someone with a disorder. If you
don’t think you can handle them, you probably can’t. And sticking around doesn’t
help anyone. But don’t decide to stay around when you want to, when the person
is ‘normal’, because that isn’t fair. It’s not helpful to tell someone ‘you
have a disorder and that’s why I’m avoiding you’. You’ve chosen to be around this person. This means you’ve chosen to stay with them. With all of them. The day you can’t handle
it? It’s better in the long run for everyone involved if you just walk off.
Sounds mean, sounds bitchy, but it’s true. You don’t help
anyone by not accepting everything they are.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Why I Don't Want Kids and Why I Don't Understand Why Other People Have Them
“And if a woman should say she doesn’t want to
have children at all, the world is apt to go decidedly peculiar:
‘Ooooh, don’t speak too soon,’ it will say - as if knowing whether or
not you’re the kind of person who desires to make a whole other human
being in your guts, out of sex and food, then have the rest of your life
revolve around its welfare, is a breezy, ‘Hey - whevs’ decision. Like
electing to have a picnic on an unexpectedly sunny day or changing the
background picture on your desktop. ‘When you meet the right man, you’ll
change your mind, dear,’ the world will say, with an odd, aggressive
smugness.”
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman
So this is what got me thinking today, instead of studying for my exam. I think of the most fascinating things through procrastination. Anyway, it got me thinking:
I don't really want kids.
Or no, let me rephrase, the circumstances under which I would even consider having a child are so rare and unlikely to occur that the chances of me having a child are slim. So I suppose I'm not saying I wouldn't ever have a child, but it's very unlikely.
I am a rather selfish human being. I am also multi-verted. I'm quite social, I like going out and talking to people and basking in their ideas and energies. Some nights I want nothing more than to go out to a club and dance with strangers and soak in the energy. And other (most) nights I want to stay home, read fanfiction/books with headphones in, sing to myself, dance like a crazy person by myself, and generally say fuck the world in general.
I am a libra and though I put very little stock in things like astronomy I am very much a creature of duality. I am an opposing being. I am queer. I am attracted to different people and genders (cis or trans) and personalities depending on the day.
But generally, I am a very selfish creature. I love helping people, but when I choose to. I love helping people but it is not my permanent state of being, and I like being able to be alone when I choose. That is one of the main reasons I do not want children.
I'm quite good with children actually. My sister is amazed how opposed I am to the idea of my own child since I am fantastic with my younger cousins and other kids. I'm very exciteable, very high-energy, I don't talk down to them, I treat all children as the bright shining lights of potential and genius they are. Children are smart. Just because they decide to do something you think is stupid doesn't mean they're stupid. The kid who eats sand or glue isn't stupid, they're just curious. And that's not a bad thing. You just have to make sure their curiosity is not harmful to them and other than that, if it's not hurting anyone what does it really matter if they decide to paint their own hair blue? Sure it's a bitch to get out, but if it ends in you shaving their head, well then they're gonna learn not to do it again aren't they?
I'm sorry, but we are creatures of trial and error. It didn't matter how many times your parents told you not to stick a fork in the electrical socket, you tried to do it anyway didn't you? Or something equal to that nature. Don't eat sand. Don't eat grass. Don't ride a bike without a helmut. Don't touch the hot stove. You're going to do stupid shit as a kid. You did stupid shit as a kid. So don't judge kids for doing other stupid shit.
This is why I'm good with kids. So long as it doesn't hurt them, I'll let them explore and try stuff. It might mean me cleaning up but then I get to teach them how to clean up their own messes as well. And besides, the first time they decide to run around the house and break something, the disappointed talk is usually a good deterrent for later on. Disappointed talks from authority figures are psychological warfare to children. I'm not kidding. I was never physically disciplined a day in my life. It was unnecessary. My parents being disappointed was so much worse. I would've preferred yelling over that. The guilt. Oh my god the guilt. Psychological goddamn warfare.
I mean sure, don't let them somersault off a couch and break their arm or something. You have to set certain boundaries, but you have to try and explain it in a way that doesn't sound like "I'm the adult and you're the stupid kid so you'll listen to me because I tell you to".
I don't know about you, but I don't tend to listen to people telling me that now, and I'm 22, let alone when I was a kid.
People don't like to be told what to do without damn good reasons. And children are people. Yeah, they're tiny, yeah, they're not as learned as you, but they're not stupid. Kids are smart, they learn, they just need more experience. And that is your job. You're there to teach them. Not to be a stuck-up prig because you're the mature one. Screw maturity. It's overrated.
This is also why I'm good with kids. I'll get down in the mud and play with them. Get paint on my face and under my fingernails. Run around like a crazy person. Kids love that. And generally speaking they listen to me more because if I'm willing to get down in the dirt with them, I'm likely to listen and not judge them. No one wants to be judged, especially not kids.
But I still don't want children.
Why? I'm still selfish. Once I've run around like a crazy person and I'm tired, I'm done. I no longer want to play. Then I hand the kids back to the parents and go read a book or something. I only have a set amount of energy to give people on a regular basis. The nice thing about other people's kids is I can give them back when I'm done. I couldn't do this with my own kid.
Second reason? I don't have the time. And I probably never will.
At the moment I'm a graduating student. I don't have a permanent job, I don't have a spouse, or even a partner, I don't have a house or permanent address. I'm still trying to get my shit together. At some point if I ever do get my shit together, I'm a musician. I'll be more broke than not and won't be around a lot. I'll be working my ass off and when I'm not working, I'll be networking. I don't have time for a partner right now, let alone a kid.
I'm aware circumstances could change. This happens to a lot of people. Sometimes, the birth control doesn't work (and sometimes the company flubs the pills and doesn't tell you right away), sometimes the condom breaks, sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you don't have control.
The rest of time? You do. You have control over these things. You can control if you have a family or not. Very often people make a conscience decision to have children. That is a decision I have decided against.
And good god do I ever have to explain myself when I say this.
Consistently I am told "oh I said that too" "oh you'll change your mind" "wait til you meet the right person". Well you know what? Maybe I'm not the right person for children. Maybe I'm not ready or prepared or really willing to have children. And should that someday change, fine. But to stand there and pretend you understand me, my nature, my life, better than I do? To stand there smugly and insist I have no idea what I'm talking about just because you seem to think you're so much more experience than I am?
I feel sorry for your children. Do you treat them that way as well? Do you treat them as though they know nothing and you know everything? You must be a pretty awful parent. And if you don't treat your children that way, then stop treating me that way. I deserve just as much respect and consideration as your kids.
I don't want children and that is what I say. It is what I believe and no amount of smug superiority on your case will convince me otherwise. If I decide otherwise it will be because I decide. But because you seem to think I don't understand my life, let me tell you something.
I am broke.
I am busy
I am selfish.
Children are expensive.
Children are time-consuming.
Children are needy.
I will most likely not have children because of the person I am at heart. I may grow in ten years to find myself a different person and decide then I am ready. But the person I am now is not ready or prepared or willing to have children.
I grew up with parents that worked their asses off and summarily weren't there for a lot of my childhood or my sister's. We've both grown with the mindset that unless we have time to commit to a family, we will not have one. We both don't have the time right now. Though besides that in general, she still wants a family at the end of the day, and I don't. But even ignoring that, we need time.
I don't have the time and likely never will, to commit at least 18 years to the growth and development of a bright, shining, ball of perfect potential.
I want a hedgehog.
Now you're asking yourself, how the hell is that relevant? Well it's relevant because I don't have one. And how is that relevant? Well here's the reasons:
Hedgehogs/pets are a lot of work. They have to be fed, they have to be loved and snuggled and taken care of, and without the proper care and attention they will waste away and die. They're like birds. Or fish. Attention required. I might get a cat someday but they are much more solitary creatures and I am aware I could leave it on it's own for long periods of time, which I would do. Because I have to. Broke, busy, etc.
So I understand most people aren't hedgehog people, so let's go with a more well-known animal: a dog.
So here is my question. Would you get a dog, knowing you wouldn't be there all the time to feed it? You wouldn't be there to house-train it? You wouldn't be there all the time to walk it? You wouldn't be there all the time to pet and kiss and hug and love it and give it the affection it deserves?
So why would you have a child?
The goddamn people wandering around telling me that I'll change my mind someday, are sometimes the people who's kids spend more time at school and at the babysitters than with their parents. And certainly, quality of time over quantity, but honestly, unless circumstances screwed you over, exactly why did you have a kid knowing you wouldn't have time for them? I don't care if you have a busy job, you're working, you don't have the time. You knew this before you decided to brood. You knew this. You were well aware you were already busy. You're allowed to work, but make sure you're still there for your kid more often than not.
Is our idea of a proper lifestyle so intwined with the idea of children that people who aren't equipped to have children are having them? Really, why did you have a child if you don't have time to take care of them?
What, you wanted kids? Yeah, well I really want a fucking hedgehog. I'm mature enough to admit I don't have the fucking time.
We are people who put more bloody consideration into getting a pet, than having a child. That's disgusting.
So bugger off. I don't want kids. I don't have time for them. I don't want kids. And I don't want a dog either. They're all technically animals at the end of the day. They involve the same amount of work and time and maintenance and that you likely consider your dog's well-being more than your child's is thoroughly disturbing to me.
So bugger off with your high-brow smug sense of superiority. I think I have my priorities figured better than you do.
— Caitlin Moran, How to Be a Woman
So this is what got me thinking today, instead of studying for my exam. I think of the most fascinating things through procrastination. Anyway, it got me thinking:
I don't really want kids.
Or no, let me rephrase, the circumstances under which I would even consider having a child are so rare and unlikely to occur that the chances of me having a child are slim. So I suppose I'm not saying I wouldn't ever have a child, but it's very unlikely.
I am a rather selfish human being. I am also multi-verted. I'm quite social, I like going out and talking to people and basking in their ideas and energies. Some nights I want nothing more than to go out to a club and dance with strangers and soak in the energy. And other (most) nights I want to stay home, read fanfiction/books with headphones in, sing to myself, dance like a crazy person by myself, and generally say fuck the world in general.
I am a libra and though I put very little stock in things like astronomy I am very much a creature of duality. I am an opposing being. I am queer. I am attracted to different people and genders (cis or trans) and personalities depending on the day.
But generally, I am a very selfish creature. I love helping people, but when I choose to. I love helping people but it is not my permanent state of being, and I like being able to be alone when I choose. That is one of the main reasons I do not want children.
I'm quite good with children actually. My sister is amazed how opposed I am to the idea of my own child since I am fantastic with my younger cousins and other kids. I'm very exciteable, very high-energy, I don't talk down to them, I treat all children as the bright shining lights of potential and genius they are. Children are smart. Just because they decide to do something you think is stupid doesn't mean they're stupid. The kid who eats sand or glue isn't stupid, they're just curious. And that's not a bad thing. You just have to make sure their curiosity is not harmful to them and other than that, if it's not hurting anyone what does it really matter if they decide to paint their own hair blue? Sure it's a bitch to get out, but if it ends in you shaving their head, well then they're gonna learn not to do it again aren't they?
I'm sorry, but we are creatures of trial and error. It didn't matter how many times your parents told you not to stick a fork in the electrical socket, you tried to do it anyway didn't you? Or something equal to that nature. Don't eat sand. Don't eat grass. Don't ride a bike without a helmut. Don't touch the hot stove. You're going to do stupid shit as a kid. You did stupid shit as a kid. So don't judge kids for doing other stupid shit.
This is why I'm good with kids. So long as it doesn't hurt them, I'll let them explore and try stuff. It might mean me cleaning up but then I get to teach them how to clean up their own messes as well. And besides, the first time they decide to run around the house and break something, the disappointed talk is usually a good deterrent for later on. Disappointed talks from authority figures are psychological warfare to children. I'm not kidding. I was never physically disciplined a day in my life. It was unnecessary. My parents being disappointed was so much worse. I would've preferred yelling over that. The guilt. Oh my god the guilt. Psychological goddamn warfare.
I mean sure, don't let them somersault off a couch and break their arm or something. You have to set certain boundaries, but you have to try and explain it in a way that doesn't sound like "I'm the adult and you're the stupid kid so you'll listen to me because I tell you to".
I don't know about you, but I don't tend to listen to people telling me that now, and I'm 22, let alone when I was a kid.
People don't like to be told what to do without damn good reasons. And children are people. Yeah, they're tiny, yeah, they're not as learned as you, but they're not stupid. Kids are smart, they learn, they just need more experience. And that is your job. You're there to teach them. Not to be a stuck-up prig because you're the mature one. Screw maturity. It's overrated.
This is also why I'm good with kids. I'll get down in the mud and play with them. Get paint on my face and under my fingernails. Run around like a crazy person. Kids love that. And generally speaking they listen to me more because if I'm willing to get down in the dirt with them, I'm likely to listen and not judge them. No one wants to be judged, especially not kids.
But I still don't want children.
Why? I'm still selfish. Once I've run around like a crazy person and I'm tired, I'm done. I no longer want to play. Then I hand the kids back to the parents and go read a book or something. I only have a set amount of energy to give people on a regular basis. The nice thing about other people's kids is I can give them back when I'm done. I couldn't do this with my own kid.
Second reason? I don't have the time. And I probably never will.
At the moment I'm a graduating student. I don't have a permanent job, I don't have a spouse, or even a partner, I don't have a house or permanent address. I'm still trying to get my shit together. At some point if I ever do get my shit together, I'm a musician. I'll be more broke than not and won't be around a lot. I'll be working my ass off and when I'm not working, I'll be networking. I don't have time for a partner right now, let alone a kid.
I'm aware circumstances could change. This happens to a lot of people. Sometimes, the birth control doesn't work (and sometimes the company flubs the pills and doesn't tell you right away), sometimes the condom breaks, sometimes shit happens. Sometimes you don't have control.
The rest of time? You do. You have control over these things. You can control if you have a family or not. Very often people make a conscience decision to have children. That is a decision I have decided against.
And good god do I ever have to explain myself when I say this.
Consistently I am told "oh I said that too" "oh you'll change your mind" "wait til you meet the right person". Well you know what? Maybe I'm not the right person for children. Maybe I'm not ready or prepared or really willing to have children. And should that someday change, fine. But to stand there and pretend you understand me, my nature, my life, better than I do? To stand there smugly and insist I have no idea what I'm talking about just because you seem to think you're so much more experience than I am?
I feel sorry for your children. Do you treat them that way as well? Do you treat them as though they know nothing and you know everything? You must be a pretty awful parent. And if you don't treat your children that way, then stop treating me that way. I deserve just as much respect and consideration as your kids.
I don't want children and that is what I say. It is what I believe and no amount of smug superiority on your case will convince me otherwise. If I decide otherwise it will be because I decide. But because you seem to think I don't understand my life, let me tell you something.
I am broke.
I am busy
I am selfish.
Children are expensive.
Children are time-consuming.
Children are needy.
I will most likely not have children because of the person I am at heart. I may grow in ten years to find myself a different person and decide then I am ready. But the person I am now is not ready or prepared or willing to have children.
I grew up with parents that worked their asses off and summarily weren't there for a lot of my childhood or my sister's. We've both grown with the mindset that unless we have time to commit to a family, we will not have one. We both don't have the time right now. Though besides that in general, she still wants a family at the end of the day, and I don't. But even ignoring that, we need time.
I don't have the time and likely never will, to commit at least 18 years to the growth and development of a bright, shining, ball of perfect potential.
I want a hedgehog.
Now you're asking yourself, how the hell is that relevant? Well it's relevant because I don't have one. And how is that relevant? Well here's the reasons:
Hedgehogs/pets are a lot of work. They have to be fed, they have to be loved and snuggled and taken care of, and without the proper care and attention they will waste away and die. They're like birds. Or fish. Attention required. I might get a cat someday but they are much more solitary creatures and I am aware I could leave it on it's own for long periods of time, which I would do. Because I have to. Broke, busy, etc.
So I understand most people aren't hedgehog people, so let's go with a more well-known animal: a dog.
So here is my question. Would you get a dog, knowing you wouldn't be there all the time to feed it? You wouldn't be there to house-train it? You wouldn't be there all the time to walk it? You wouldn't be there all the time to pet and kiss and hug and love it and give it the affection it deserves?
So why would you have a child?
The goddamn people wandering around telling me that I'll change my mind someday, are sometimes the people who's kids spend more time at school and at the babysitters than with their parents. And certainly, quality of time over quantity, but honestly, unless circumstances screwed you over, exactly why did you have a kid knowing you wouldn't have time for them? I don't care if you have a busy job, you're working, you don't have the time. You knew this before you decided to brood. You knew this. You were well aware you were already busy. You're allowed to work, but make sure you're still there for your kid more often than not.
Is our idea of a proper lifestyle so intwined with the idea of children that people who aren't equipped to have children are having them? Really, why did you have a child if you don't have time to take care of them?
What, you wanted kids? Yeah, well I really want a fucking hedgehog. I'm mature enough to admit I don't have the fucking time.
We are people who put more bloody consideration into getting a pet, than having a child. That's disgusting.
So bugger off. I don't want kids. I don't have time for them. I don't want kids. And I don't want a dog either. They're all technically animals at the end of the day. They involve the same amount of work and time and maintenance and that you likely consider your dog's well-being more than your child's is thoroughly disturbing to me.
So bugger off with your high-brow smug sense of superiority. I think I have my priorities figured better than you do.
Monday, April 8, 2013
On the Subject of Women's Rights (And Rights in General Really)
To deny someone else rights just because your particular group hasn't gained them fully means we'll never accomplish anything or get anywhere.
We fight tooth and nail for the smallest of privileges and hold on to them with everything we have and we don't stop fighting because someone else lack the same privilege. We fight the battles we can, but we can't fight every battle. Your life will be a choice of the fights you want to make. That does not make another fight less valid, or yours more so. It is just the one you've chosen to fight. Just because someone has chosen something different doesn't invalidate your cause. It is just not the fight that particular person has decided is most important to them.
The privileges we gain are often started by referencing another group and saying "hey, look at what they have, we want that".
Fighting for what you need brings change.
Don't stop fighting because you can only get yourself out of the gutter. Get out, save yourself, and then when you have the means, help those you left behind: the neighbours who suffered beside you. Sure, it might seem selfish at first, but it's hard to fight from a gutter. Power is important. I'm sorry. It's a harsh truth, but it's a truth. It is hard to fight from a gutter and if you do so when you could be fighting from the streets, you only delay the problem, not stop it. To stop a problem, you need power. To get power, you need to save yourself. If you can save yourself, then do it. You'll be a lot more helpful when you fight from a point of stability.
However, do not invalidate someone else's cause. My cause is women's rights and queer rights. Because I am a woman, and I am queer. But I admit that men have problems as well. However, women are raped at a higher percentage (3 in 5). However, women have more support groups. However, the chance of victim blaming is higher than the rape percentage. However, men's rape cases are very often dismissed.
HOWEVER, I'm not allowed to fight this because men's rape isn't fully recognized either? No, men's rape should be recognized and helped, but do not try to deny me my cause to validate yours. Both our causes are valid and important. By degrading mine to raise up yours, you are only harming human rights as a whole.
Everyone's rights are equally as important. But by labelling myself a feminist, I do not label myself as a misandrist.
If we were to compare everyone's problems with everyone else's problems we wouldn't get anything done. You don't starve yourself because children in third world countries starve do you? Then don't try to starve my cause just because yours isn't completed yet.
Because mine is just beginning. And we need all the help we can get.
Think of what we could accomplish if we just supported one another, instead of piling up figurative bodies of causes just so we can step on them and have ours reach a half inch higher in the view of the world.
We fight tooth and nail for the smallest of privileges and hold on to them with everything we have and we don't stop fighting because someone else lack the same privilege. We fight the battles we can, but we can't fight every battle. Your life will be a choice of the fights you want to make. That does not make another fight less valid, or yours more so. It is just the one you've chosen to fight. Just because someone has chosen something different doesn't invalidate your cause. It is just not the fight that particular person has decided is most important to them.
The privileges we gain are often started by referencing another group and saying "hey, look at what they have, we want that".
Fighting for what you need brings change.
Don't stop fighting because you can only get yourself out of the gutter. Get out, save yourself, and then when you have the means, help those you left behind: the neighbours who suffered beside you. Sure, it might seem selfish at first, but it's hard to fight from a gutter. Power is important. I'm sorry. It's a harsh truth, but it's a truth. It is hard to fight from a gutter and if you do so when you could be fighting from the streets, you only delay the problem, not stop it. To stop a problem, you need power. To get power, you need to save yourself. If you can save yourself, then do it. You'll be a lot more helpful when you fight from a point of stability.
However, do not invalidate someone else's cause. My cause is women's rights and queer rights. Because I am a woman, and I am queer. But I admit that men have problems as well. However, women are raped at a higher percentage (3 in 5). However, women have more support groups. However, the chance of victim blaming is higher than the rape percentage. However, men's rape cases are very often dismissed.
HOWEVER, I'm not allowed to fight this because men's rape isn't fully recognized either? No, men's rape should be recognized and helped, but do not try to deny me my cause to validate yours. Both our causes are valid and important. By degrading mine to raise up yours, you are only harming human rights as a whole.
Everyone's rights are equally as important. But by labelling myself a feminist, I do not label myself as a misandrist.
If we were to compare everyone's problems with everyone else's problems we wouldn't get anything done. You don't starve yourself because children in third world countries starve do you? Then don't try to starve my cause just because yours isn't completed yet.
Because mine is just beginning. And we need all the help we can get.
Think of what we could accomplish if we just supported one another, instead of piling up figurative bodies of causes just so we can step on them and have ours reach a half inch higher in the view of the world.
I Am Not Dead
And now I go to rest my head
In frozen ground amidst the dead
Where living souls, they fear to tread
As well they should, I am not dead
I sleep with those long lost and gone
With those whose memories drift along
Thoughts no longer linger on
With these I sleep, still breathing calm
No I am not dead but not alive
And I'll take your life within it's prime
If question me you dare to try
And purposely lapsed knowledge revive
Do not try to understand
I make no sense to a mortal man
Your mind cannot grasp just what I am
And ignorant curiousity damns
And you want no knowledge of hell
Trust me, on this I know very well
I would have done better to hide, to quell
Than to become this hollowed shell
Instead I rest in cold, hard ground
With the dead and rotting underground
Where nothing else can make a sound
And silence my companion here, down
Down in the depths of frigid burning
You think you hear the dead souls yearning
But they yearn not, they're gone and churning
Slowly into dust; I alone am turning
The screams you hear are not of terror
But frustration mounting at my error
Were cleverer I would not be the bearer
Of this news, I am the sharer
I am the proof of ignorant thoughts
Of the dangers that questioning wrought
Had I kept silent, I would not have been caught
And left to dwindle, left to rot
And now I go to rest my head
In frozen ground amidst the dead
Where living souls, they fear to tread
As well they should, I am not dead.
In frozen ground amidst the dead
Where living souls, they fear to tread
As well they should, I am not dead
I sleep with those long lost and gone
With those whose memories drift along
Thoughts no longer linger on
With these I sleep, still breathing calm
No I am not dead but not alive
And I'll take your life within it's prime
If question me you dare to try
And purposely lapsed knowledge revive
Do not try to understand
I make no sense to a mortal man
Your mind cannot grasp just what I am
And ignorant curiousity damns
And you want no knowledge of hell
Trust me, on this I know very well
I would have done better to hide, to quell
Than to become this hollowed shell
Instead I rest in cold, hard ground
With the dead and rotting underground
Where nothing else can make a sound
And silence my companion here, down
Down in the depths of frigid burning
You think you hear the dead souls yearning
But they yearn not, they're gone and churning
Slowly into dust; I alone am turning
The screams you hear are not of terror
But frustration mounting at my error
Were cleverer I would not be the bearer
Of this news, I am the sharer
I am the proof of ignorant thoughts
Of the dangers that questioning wrought
Had I kept silent, I would not have been caught
And left to dwindle, left to rot
And now I go to rest my head
In frozen ground amidst the dead
Where living souls, they fear to tread
As well they should, I am not dead.
Monday, February 11, 2013
All You Need Is Love (and a swift kick to the...)
Those that know me are aware I have a high penchant for posting ridiculously long Facebook status updates. I'm going to try and divert those to my blog now. Maybe it means I might update this bloody thing more often (and those who know me are also aware of how unlikely that is).
So, the... problem? That's the wrong word. I don't know the right one for this situation. It's not a problem, I guess it's a good thing... Anyway, I've been breaking the social stereotype of body image and my attitude towards it.
I admit, I wasn't happy with my body for a long time. This made me critical of other's bodies as well. I guess I figured so long as there were people out there bigger than me, I was still okay and I had somewhere to direct the hatred I recieved from other people, and myself. I didn't have the best of reactions to people I thought were 'unhealthy' (unhealthy being what I deemed 'overweight'). I never called someone fat to their face, but I was very critical. I laughed at the movies depicting bigger people as these toddling, socially awkward beings. I giggled, but awkwardly, at the pictures with 'funny' captions but at the same time would defend to the death my larger friends from bullies. I was in this strange dual-mindset where I still loved my friends and found them attractive as well, but I would still hate myself, still laugh at the jokes, somewhat self-depricatingly I admit. Now that I'm older I've realized so long as you are *healthy* it doesn't matter your size.
And having to admit that I used to think like this brings a feeling of shame and disgust. That I am admitting to this, and my previous body issues, that I so thoroughly hated myself that I judged others just because they were "uglier" so I wasn't so disgusting in comparison... I'm ashamed of the person I used to be. I was a person of circumstance, but still... I'm ashamed I even looked at someone who wasn't thin and thought them unhealthy and gross. I thought my feelings of attractiveness towards bigger women was strange and abnormal (and this was after trying to comprehend finding women attractive at all). Being fat was being unhealthy. How could I find it attractive? People aren't meant to be that size, I thought. There must have been something wrong with me. After all, I was big and I was ugly. How could someone else be big and beautiful?
So I made a cutoff point. After a certain size, a certain number of rolls, or if their breasts didn't compensate for their bellies, then they weren't healthy. Or attractive. Even if my brain thought they were pretty, I wouldn't allow myself to think that. They couldn't be pretty. Because I wasn't pretty.
I know now that it doesn't matter how you look, someone finds you beautiful. Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean someone else doesn't (and that is including yourself). Your personal tastes are not a reflection of what "beauty" is and has no say on other people's opinion of what is "beautiful" or "sexy".
That being said, it's making a lot of posts I'm seeing nowadays along the lines of "Oh god, that girl is fat/ugly isn't she? Here, let me post this picture, with a 'funny' caption of 'look at this ugly bitch' so we can all laugh at someone we don't know, and are judging just because we don't like how she looks" all the more hurtful.
In a way I'm grateful to myself for having the comprehension to now understand my formerly critical thinking. I'm grateful I appreciate my body more days than not. I'm grateful I appreciate other people's bodies more days than not. I'm grateful my knee-jerk reaction isn't always an appalled or insecure giggle to body-hating jokes. I'm grateful I can look at these images and not find them funny, but depressing.
But having the knowledge and the acceptance means that my Facebook feed is occassionally tinged with bitterness, hate, and pain. It means I know that even if I say anything I will not be understood by those who haven't reached that comprehension on their own yet. If I say anything, I will be accused of "taking it too seriously" or that "it's not healthy, here's statistics, they're a fat, ugly cow and should be taken out back and put down". I don't care what you or your statistics say, I'm aware that being overweight can some times negatively impact your health. But therein lies the rub doesn't it? "Some times". I'm aware that it's not the only reason and a person being overweight does not automatically equal unhealthiness.
I'm also aware as well that telling someone they're a "fat, ugly cow" is not only rude and cruel, it's demotivating and unproductive in general. Do you really think that someone who likely already has self esteem issues wants to hear about how a total stranger thinks they're ugly? Or how their best friend constantly makes them feel guilty for eating?
I've known thin people that are unhealthy, I've known big people that are healthy, and vice-versa. So long as you are *healthy* you shouldn't give two figs about your size. You are who you are and that is beautiful.
Be healthy, be lovely. How you "look" is irrelevant.
Sitting here with a broken heart right now. Fuck, being body-positive hurts like a bitch sometimes.
So, the... problem? That's the wrong word. I don't know the right one for this situation. It's not a problem, I guess it's a good thing... Anyway, I've been breaking the social stereotype of body image and my attitude towards it.
I admit, I wasn't happy with my body for a long time. This made me critical of other's bodies as well. I guess I figured so long as there were people out there bigger than me, I was still okay and I had somewhere to direct the hatred I recieved from other people, and myself. I didn't have the best of reactions to people I thought were 'unhealthy' (unhealthy being what I deemed 'overweight'). I never called someone fat to their face, but I was very critical. I laughed at the movies depicting bigger people as these toddling, socially awkward beings. I giggled, but awkwardly, at the pictures with 'funny' captions but at the same time would defend to the death my larger friends from bullies. I was in this strange dual-mindset where I still loved my friends and found them attractive as well, but I would still hate myself, still laugh at the jokes, somewhat self-depricatingly I admit. Now that I'm older I've realized so long as you are *healthy* it doesn't matter your size.
And having to admit that I used to think like this brings a feeling of shame and disgust. That I am admitting to this, and my previous body issues, that I so thoroughly hated myself that I judged others just because they were "uglier" so I wasn't so disgusting in comparison... I'm ashamed of the person I used to be. I was a person of circumstance, but still... I'm ashamed I even looked at someone who wasn't thin and thought them unhealthy and gross. I thought my feelings of attractiveness towards bigger women was strange and abnormal (and this was after trying to comprehend finding women attractive at all). Being fat was being unhealthy. How could I find it attractive? People aren't meant to be that size, I thought. There must have been something wrong with me. After all, I was big and I was ugly. How could someone else be big and beautiful?
So I made a cutoff point. After a certain size, a certain number of rolls, or if their breasts didn't compensate for their bellies, then they weren't healthy. Or attractive. Even if my brain thought they were pretty, I wouldn't allow myself to think that. They couldn't be pretty. Because I wasn't pretty.
I know now that it doesn't matter how you look, someone finds you beautiful. Just because you don't find someone attractive doesn't mean someone else doesn't (and that is including yourself). Your personal tastes are not a reflection of what "beauty" is and has no say on other people's opinion of what is "beautiful" or "sexy".
That being said, it's making a lot of posts I'm seeing nowadays along the lines of "Oh god, that girl is fat/ugly isn't she? Here, let me post this picture, with a 'funny' caption of 'look at this ugly bitch' so we can all laugh at someone we don't know, and are judging just because we don't like how she looks" all the more hurtful.
In a way I'm grateful to myself for having the comprehension to now understand my formerly critical thinking. I'm grateful I appreciate my body more days than not. I'm grateful I appreciate other people's bodies more days than not. I'm grateful my knee-jerk reaction isn't always an appalled or insecure giggle to body-hating jokes. I'm grateful I can look at these images and not find them funny, but depressing.
But having the knowledge and the acceptance means that my Facebook feed is occassionally tinged with bitterness, hate, and pain. It means I know that even if I say anything I will not be understood by those who haven't reached that comprehension on their own yet. If I say anything, I will be accused of "taking it too seriously" or that "it's not healthy, here's statistics, they're a fat, ugly cow and should be taken out back and put down". I don't care what you or your statistics say, I'm aware that being overweight can some times negatively impact your health. But therein lies the rub doesn't it? "Some times". I'm aware that it's not the only reason and a person being overweight does not automatically equal unhealthiness.
I'm also aware as well that telling someone they're a "fat, ugly cow" is not only rude and cruel, it's demotivating and unproductive in general. Do you really think that someone who likely already has self esteem issues wants to hear about how a total stranger thinks they're ugly? Or how their best friend constantly makes them feel guilty for eating?
I've known thin people that are unhealthy, I've known big people that are healthy, and vice-versa. So long as you are *healthy* you shouldn't give two figs about your size. You are who you are and that is beautiful.
Be healthy, be lovely. How you "look" is irrelevant.
Sitting here with a broken heart right now. Fuck, being body-positive hurts like a bitch sometimes.
I need feminism because...
Ah I still remember it fondly. I was seventeen, I was a month away from high school graduation, I had been accepted to go to university in the fall for Computer Science.
I was just finishing up my Grade 12 Comp class, our final project was to go through all the specs on the new laptops on the market and find the one with the best specs with the cheapest price. My comp sci teacher was a genius who taught us all about good laptops and with over twenty students was able to take his pick of which new laptop he would buy that year from our assignments. Whichever he decided on in the end, the person who's assignment he picked it from got the top mark and the rest of us were graded accordingly. He got a new laptop, and we learned the valuable lesson of researching before we buy. A lesson I'm still grateful for.
I'm on a music trip with my other classmates, we're in Toronto and in the mall. There's a science/tecnology expo. Numerous displays and plenty of informed people around to answer questions.
I'm feeling pretty good. We're going to the opera tonight, I have my hair straightened and flipped out a bit, my makeup is nice, I'm wearing contacts (a rare occasion), I have my favourite dress on.
A certain display catches my eye. Laptops. Laptops everywhere. Shiny, new, whirring and humming. I think I can almost feel the buzz of running electricity and technology on my skin, in my veins. A techie at heart, I'm drawn in, and why not? I can peruse, get some updates on what's new on the market before I make my final pick on what laptop I'll buy for the start of my new program.
There's a person there, a worker with the display. He looks not too much older than me. Someone my own age who I could talk to, who could relate with me, I could build a rapport. I'm more comfortable around people my own age right now. I'm only 17 after all. I'm relaxed and excited at the same time. I'm prepared and smiling. I begin cursory introductions and talk about how I'm looking for a laptop. I don't have time to mention about my shiny, new program, my research, and what I want.
The words "I'm looking for a laptop" come out of my mouth and I instantly lose all control of the situation.
They have a newer model on the market, brand new, look at the newness, isn't it shiny? See the size. It's small and lightweight. It's under fifteen lbs, new on the market. It's not heavy at all.
It comes in pink.
Finally reattaching my brain to the rest of my body again I manage enough connection between brain and mouth to stammer "What's the bus speed?".
The reaction is hesitation, a blank stare. I repeat my question. He shakes his head and tells me the answer. I shake my head in the negative and tell him the lowest bus speed I would accept.
I ask him the RAM, tell him again the answer is unacceptable. I need 4GB. What's the chip? He haultingly answers my questions, his face scrunching up in confusion like a puppy. You're kidding right? I want dual-core. What's the laptop size? No, I want 17 inch. Yes I realize it's heavy. I'm aware of this. I want the bigger screen so I can play video games and not have to squint and on that note, what's the graphics card like?
He finally finishes answering my questions. I say thank you for your time, I was just browsing but I thought to check out the new toys on the market before making my pick for the new semester at university for Computer Science.
I watch the look of dawning comprehension. There's a hint of respect as well.
I think of the effort, and the arguing, and the sheer and utter frustration I've just been subjected to, just to finally at the end see that respect I deserved from the start.
I despair.
I've never forgotten.
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