Look I feel pretty comfortable in saying I'm on the social justice bandwagon. I am so much on this wagon I legitimately frustrate people on a regular basis.
I try to call people out on their bullshit. On their sexism, their racism. Sometimes they're just a toxic person. I won't take it. I don't have to take it. I will rail against the world again and again.
The problem I'm starting to notice though, is people are beginning to see this as my default personality.
Looks here's the thing: I don't want to be a Debbie Downer all the time.
I don't want to be negative. I don't want to have to list study after study and research. And I have a pretty crap memory. Some days the only thing I can think to say is "this is wrong and hurtful behaviour, you hurt people saying this". And I don't have a study to back it up. I don't have a list of resources I can automatically rattle off.
I have a rather terrible memory. So this happens a lot. The problem being that it doesn't mean the person isn't still being hurtful. And I need to say something. I have a bone-deep rattling sensation of this is wrong and I won't let it go.
But sometimes? Sometimes I'm fucking tired.
Sometimes I don't want to say anything. Sometimes I don't want to fight. I don't want to argue. It fucking hurts too. To sit/stand there and bite my tongue. It's ridiculously hard. But in doing so I grant myself a reprieve. A span of an hour I know is still mine and isn't caught up in trying to explain to someone "no, you're being mean and unfair, stop it, you're derailing, stop it, just stop".
Sometimes I don't want to have to spend an hour arguing points with someone I know isn't listening anyway, with only a half-cobbled together list of resources from my absolute wretched dredges of memory.
And sometimes I don't want to talk to even like-minded people about the people who are hurtful.
And the problem I'm noticing is that even in like-minded circles? I'm getting abuse. Not intentional, not meaning to be. But apparently there are people out there that just don't understand I'm tired. I can't always be on.
I don't want to talk about the jackass from work that hits on every woman and will never change. I don't want to talk about the lady at the gas station who comments about how every POC that comes in is just waiting for a good moment to steal from her, or worse. I don't want to talk about the jackass who comes in and asks when I'm due and looks unapologetic when I tell her I'm not pregnant. I don't want to talk about the people so full of classism they see Food Stamps as a crutch and everyone abuses the system. I don't want to talk about the dumbass in high school who said two chicks are hot but two dudes is disgusting (and I have downgraded that for your benefit, no, you don't want to know).
I don't want to fucking talk about it. I just want one fucking day.
I'm tired and I hurt and no, I can't ignore it. Because it's happening everywhere. I turn on my tv, I listen to the radio, fuck I watched the Oscars and through the whole movie montage went "there are maybe 7 women for the 30+ men". You know how I know this? I counted. Without realizing. I was fucking counting in my head already knowing how it would end. Women would be under-represented. When did my brain become hardwired to see this?
I'm glad for it, don't get me wrong. But I can't enjoy anything any more. And that's good. I'm seeing the issues. I'm seeing the problem. And if I see it, I can try to fix it. But good goddamn it's everywhere.
And I'm fucking tired. It's exhausting. And I can't ignore it. And I know it won't go away by ignoring it. And I'm really really sorry. I am. I'm sorry.
But please stop getting mad at me for asking for just one day, one hour, one minute of blessed silence.
It's not I don't want you to be angry. I do. I want you to be angry. I want you to fight. I want me to fight. I want the whole world to understand these things are not okay. But you know how hard these battles are. They're draining and exhausting.
And I'm not that strong. I can't fight every day.
And I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. I'm sorry.
I just- Need a minute. Please.
Please stop being angry with me.
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