Reasons to Watch Yourself (Or The Reason I Possibly Should Have Tried More Than One Birth Control Instead of Just Taking What I Got)

So I have a story if you don't mind (of course you don't, why else are you here reading this? I don't know, go home, I'm in pain and rambling, no wait, come back I need snuggles, everything hurts and life is terrible, fuck you betraying womanly body someone bring me more tea).

*coughs*

Anyway, I had terrible acne as a kid, like the worst. Like I tried literally everything on the market: Oxypads, Avon, Proactiv (the most effective but still, bad), twenty different kinds of offbrand, anything I could find and try. I hated life, my skin was terrible, I'm a scratcher and popper too, like I cannot leave a zit alone. I will carve it out of my skin. I didn't want to wear tanktops, but I hated heat, so I walked around with back-acne and hating my life.

They finally put me on Acutane (which probably means my ovaries may or may not be healthy but I don't care to check, if I had the choice my ovaries would be donated to science, give them to some person that wants kids, seriously, you can have all of them).

But the first thing that helped was they put me on birth control. So I was on birth control since I was 14.

Now my childhood wasn't exactly fun. I didn't have too many friends and I was the scapegoat, c'est la vie. It sucks, I lived through it, I found awesome friends later.

But in high school I realized I stopped caring about the bullies, I also didn't study as much cause I stopped caring, and it was the reason I was teased so bad. Got some new friends though, things were good. But I wasn't as emotional as I was as a kid. I stopped crying at the drop of a pin. I stopped crying in general. Which considering I had spent 14-something years being tormented over my emotions, seemed like a pretty sweet deal to me. I figured I was becoming emotionally mature (ignoring some truly terrible emo poetry, but hey, bad poetry is sort of part-and-parcel with the whole teenager package).

I didn't really think too much on it.

And then in university a friend of mine mentioned the side effects birth control can have. The wrong kind for your body can make you lethargic, and deaden your senses, and things of that nature. Now I'm not saying birth control is a bad thing, fuck yeah sexual freedom. Just, there are a bajillion different types and doses for a *reason*. Some people just don't function well with the wrong kind. I was on a pretty low-dose, but that doesn't mean the type itself wouldn't have an effect.

So anyway, I had a "huh" moment. And since I'd never been sexually active, didn't plan on it in general, and my acne was better, I decided to try an experiment. I was about a month or so away from being out of BC anyway, so I decided to just not renew my prescription.

And well, things changed.

The most noticeable being I started getting period cramps, which I never had before, so that fucking sucked hard-fucking-core. Fuck fucking body-shredding pain. Mind you, not as bad as my sister's (hers was debilitating) and I sort of got to skip over teenage cramps which apparently tend to be worse. But yeah, cramps, not fun (it's actually what inspired this blogpost, they say the best writing comes from pain right? well then this should be fucking brilliant).

The other though? Emotions.

Like seriously, fucking emotions. You have no idea.

I actually cry now. Like things that are heartbreaking or hurtful to people, where before I was like "huh that's sad, sucky, moving on", now I cry. Truly powerful moments move me.

I don't know if you can understand this. It's like wandering around grey and relatively content, life is lived but not experienced, and then HOLY SHIT WHERE ARE THESE TEARS COMING FROM WHY DOES MY HEART FEEL JOY AND SADNESS NOW WHAT HAPPENED I R CONFUSE.

Which I mean, sometimes it sucks. Like a) the cramps, b) the crying. It's not necessarily always fun. Actually it kind of fucking sucks some days. While I feel happier over happy things I feel sadder over sad things. And when you spent 8-something years going through mostly content in your life, it's a serious fucking overhaul to have to actually start dealing with shit.

But here's another thing. I'm a bibliophile. A voracious reader. I just reread the Hunger Games and bawled like a baby. I was moved again. I was moved in a way I hadn't been since a child. I never stopped loving books, but I feel like I enjoy them more now. I'm also a musician. Music makes me feel more than it used to. I take in the things I experience and they affect me.

That's the thing though, it still is pretty scary. Not gonna lie the thought of going back to grey seems easier and safer. Maybe it is. But at the same time, I sobbed my face off watching RENT a couple weeks back and I felt wonderful after. So I suppose the personal decision for me is to keep slogging on.

It's absolutely terrifying, but it's also too beautiful to give up.

Thing is, it doesn't negatively affect me. People with true disorders, such as bipolar, that's also a choice they make, how functional can they be, do they want to give up the extreme low and also the high? Some function fine with medication, some don't. But that's still their decision. I add this, so that people don't think I'm making a bold statement of "medication is bad or good or whatever for you". Medication is there for a reason, for the people that need it. It's a decision you make to take it or not, but it can also affect you negatively. You have to be careful.

Just for me personally, I didn't realize it was a decision I had made. I didn't notice, I didn't know, I didn't understand. So I'm absolutely fascinated that a decision I made had such sideaffects.

So I guess I'm trying to say, watch your medication. Keep track of yourself and who you are, and how you change when you try new things. If you're a parent, watch your kid after you put them on a medication. Even if it's something small, something that seems harmless. Watch yourself and watch others.

I went on Acutane and they told my mum, who told my friends, "monitor her for any serious emotional changes". They never told me that about birth control. And there are so many different kinds maybe there's one out there that wouldn't affect me the same way. I don't know since I don't need it again yet. But it's something I know now to check.

So yes, my advice for the day. Watch yourself, know yourself. You can choose to take or not take medication. It's not a weakness to make either decision. It may not be the right decision, you may need the medication, but it is still your choice. You understand you.

But if a medication works, you should be a more functional person, not less. So just, be careful okay?

And never feel ashamed to ask a friend for help.

But for one random conversation, I would still be a very grey person. And for the most part I'm happier this way.

(Though seriously, fuck these fucking cramps).