My ideas on Happy Holidays (Or How I'm Probably Going To Piss People Off With This One)

So I had someone ask why I say "Happy Holidays" if I'm in the mindset of "take the gesture as it's meant". And I had to explain, well A) I've worked so many bloody public/customer service jobs I just got in the habit. Specifically when I worked at my uni's library and my uni was hugely multi-cultural. Most of the funding came from international students, so 60-70% of the people I saw, were not from Canada and not Christian. Also I have a entire group of friends that are Pagan, so I just got used to it.

B) Just because I'll take the phrase in the spirit as it's meant, doesn't mean I won't make a pointed effort to be inclusive. Not everyone celebrates Christmas, myself not being a Christian (my family is, I fell out a while back and just stick with Agnostic for those needing a definition) I feel a bit awkward saying "Merry Christmas".

I love celebrating all holidays with everyone. Celebrating others holidays is always fun and a great way to understand other's cultures/beliefs. However, I don't fault whatever holiday you say so long as you mean to wish me well. I just personally make an attempt to be all-encompassing in my well-wishes.

C) I don't know. I just feel awkward about it. While I understand everyone celebrates their own holiday, at the same time, Christmas is this huge holiday that has spread almost everywhere. We have public mandated holidays for a holiday that, well, not everyone celebrates.

I feel bad for those people that don't celebrate Christmas, but have this vacation based around a holiday/religion they're not a part of. They see big displays of it. They hear music about it (and lemme tell you, for someone not Christian or even very spiritual, most "holiday" music is awkward). From the time Thanksgiving/Halloween is over (in whichever respective country you live in), all you see/hear is Christmas. Christmas Christmas Christmas.

And it's not everyone's holiday. The idea behind Christmas is a wonderful one, don't get me wrong. Giving and well-wishes and seriously awesome food. Not a bad idea. Just, the whole thing is so commercialized, and pushy.

I wonder about other people who aren't Christian. Who's entire environment is now set up for a holiday they don't celebrate. Their workplace will also summarily be invaded. Their only freedom their house. Unless they turn on the TV or radio. Or unless you're like me and you're family is Christian. My thing is, I may not be that religious but I freakin love Christmas and giving my family gifts. Which is a bit odd because I'm actively celebrating a holiday with my family that is based around a religion I no longer follow, but c'est la vie.

But it's why it bothers me so much, these people that get up in arms about the phrase "Happy Holidays". While I understand it is "Christmas", you're basically telling these people that are forced to include your holiday into their lives, that they also have to use your terminology?

I'm sorry but I don't think that's fair.

Yes, it's considered a Christian holiday. But that just further emphasizes the point of how exclusive our calendar is. How many people celebrating Hanukkah get to have the week off? Or even a day. For crying out loud it's at the end of November this year. They don't get a holiday. They get finals. Or just work.

These people that are bitching about "Happy Holidays" just come off as privileged jerks to me.

However, I don't deny you your right to say Merry Christmas.

If you honestly and truly intend to wish me a Merry Christmas, you're wishing me a time of love and caring and joy. And I will 100% fully take that sentiment and keep it warm in my heart. I appreciate it.

The idea behind Christmas is a wonderful one. Kindness and gifts to those you love and family. Just, if you're getting pissy about someone saying Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas. Maybe consider first why this person would say Happy Holidays. In my case, I worked public service and it was my job to be inclusive. In some cases, maybe the person isn't Christian, what a concept.

But I'm sorry, when your holiday is the only one that matters in the eyes of major businesses, when your holiday invades every nook, cranny, and inch of everything, everywhere, to the point where you can't escape it, it's not fair for you to get pissy about terminology.

Your entire holiday is based on good will towards men. Maybe show it?

Relationships and Cakes (and Not Cakes)

So in thinking about relationships, I’ve realized the problem some people have:

They’re thinking about relationships like a recipe.

See to them, there’s this sense of success with a relationship. There’s a checklist. If you have A and then you get B and finally hit C boom, you have a successful relationship.

So what they’re doing is spending their lives accumulating the perfect ingredients and at the end of it, finally, they will have a perfect cake.

And it’s only their cake that is perfect.

And that’s the problem.

What if I want to use almond milk? What about egg substitute? Chocolate instead of vanilla?

Well then to them it’s not a proper cake. It’s not a worthwhile cake. It’s less somehow.

And that’s the problem.

My cake is no less of a cake for not having used your recipe. My cake is still a perfectly serviceable cake. And to me, maybe I like my recipe better. I’m not saying your cake is bad, but I have my own recipe and it’s tried and true and perfected. Or maybe it isn’t, but I can experiment right? It’s my bloody cake, you’re not eating it anyway, so get out of my kitchen.

And maybe I’ve only got a couple ingredients and I make a smaller cake, it’s not any less tasty than yours. Maybe I don’t want to wait as long for cake. I have enough to make a small cake and I’ll take that small cake now, thank you. Instead of waiting around until I have all the right stuff for a bigger “proper” cake. Maybe I won’t get the chance to have that bigger “proper” cake. Maybe this little cake is all I’ll get, so I’ll enjoy it now while I have the time.

And maybe I don’t want cake! Maybe I want cupcakes! Maybe I like cupcakes better because there are more of them and they can be individualized! Maybe I want one cupcake with chocolate icing right now, but I might want buttercream icing later. And what if I’m just not a cake person? Maybe I want brownies!

And that’s how I see relationships. Not everyone wants your cake. Not everyone is coveting your cake. Your cake is not the perfect cake. It might be perfect for you, but not for me.

Maybe I have my own recipe. Maybe I want cupcakes. Maybe I want brownies.

Maybe I don’t even like sweets.

It doesn’t matter.

It’s my goddamn kitchen.

Stay out of my kitchen.

And stay out of my relationship(s).

Taxes (AKA I Have Serious Feels About Public Education And I'm Not Really Sorry)

Taxes bother me. Not the doing them part (well no, that too), just, they don’t teach you how to do them.

Seriously, you take an average kid that hates math and force them to learn it, and really, beyond your basic math skills, no kid needs it. No kid unless they become a mathematician or a physicist or what-have-you needs math. And if they want to become these things? If they truly love math? They’ll take the courses. I took music for crying out loud and art. And those weren’t deemed ‘necessary’.

But we force kids to take courses they don’t like and don’t need.

But we don’t teach them how to do taxes.

I mean, seriously, taxes are this ridiculous, necessary evil of life and the whole goddamn world is like “Figure it out yourself. Oh you can’t? Well since you effed up, we’re just gonna take money from you for your mistake. I mean, how could you mess up filling out something WE NEVER TAUGHT YOU HOW TO FILL OUT? HAHAHA!”

You know who taught me how to do taxes? My mum. You know who taught me about girly things and how they do and don’t work? My sister and best friend. You know who taught me about how to make a resume and *actually* find a job and get an apartment and all these life things I needed to know? People and the internet. You know what didn’t? Public school.

You wonder why kids don’t want to sit in a desk learning a bunch of crap they don’t need when they’re well aware that absolutely everything they need to know in life they’re either going to learn from a random person in their life or the internet.

Somewhere down the line, a kid is going to be plunked down in front of a stack of papers they absolutely, 100%, *need* to fill out, and will continue having to fill out for the rest of their working lives, and they will have no fucking clue how to fill these forms out. But if they fill them out wrong, the government can take their money, or even put them in jail.

But who cares since you’re teaching them how to play Where’s Waldo with ‘x’ and ‘y’ graphs?

Public Education, Post-Secondary and the Internet (Or Why The First Is Unnecessary)

Basically I’ve determined that publicly funded education teaches you things the world thinks you should know. College/University teaches you what you think you should know (which at least is your choice). And the internet teaches you what you actually need to know.

Which sure is muddled in with useless shit for the hell of it. But at least the ratio of useful to useless shit can be balanced or even positively one-sided on the internet if you choose. Whereas really, all public school taught me is that I dislike most ‘normal’ people and my self-worth is balanced with how good my marks are (determined by if my teacher likes me), and if I’ve managed to somehow understand the system of socializing to make people like me (determined by fucked if I know even now).

I’d rather spend hours reading useless things online because they make me happy, then spend another minute in an English class being told that I’m interpreting a poem wrong because it disagrees with the professors interpretation.

Reasons Why I Act The Way I Do In Conversations (And Why I'm Sorry But Not Sorry)

So I have a tumblr. If you're wondering why it's relevant, well:

I recently made the company of an absolutely fantastic woman living in New Zealand. And her and I have been chatting back and forth. Anyway, the point is, we started talking about the privacy or lack thereof of our blogs/tumblrs/what-have-you. And this explanation came to fruition on my part.

See this is the thing, since I left high school, since I finally accepted myself as pansexual (well it was bisexual, my personal definition has broadened since then, ha) I’ve also been admitting my love of slash. To people I know, to old friends, to anyone I meet. It tends to come up in conversations alongside my queer-ness and my sheer epic levels of nerd I have going on. XD

So I’m not really quiet about myself per se, but I don’t avidly promote my things on Facebook (except my blog, I promote the fuck out of my blog because I love it). It’s not a shame thing, it’s a “hey I have tumblr, but I post slash (which is men together with men if you're curious), also feminist rants and nerd-love, so if you don’t care about the slew of SteveTony I post: follow me! If you’re not comfortable with it: then that’s okay too”. Sort of a “I respect your shipping (which is romancing) of certain characters or lack thereof” kind of thing. But I've realized I do keep my tumblr on the down-low (it's here btw, fuck it I don't care anymore). So I like slash. And I'm queer. And my tumblr reflects that sometimes (all the time).

Anyway, it’s funny actually, because I have a friend who mentioned “why does you being bisexual come up in almost *every* conversation with people” and I haven’t had the chance to explain to her but I will next time it comes up that I bring it up because I want to know who is and isn’t comfortable with my lifestyle so I can not be friends with them.

It utterly fucking torturous to make friends just to realize later that they disagree with your state of being. And I think I’m going to have to tell her this, because to her it’s old hat and it’s frustrating that I keep bringing it up around everyone in every conversation. But to me it’s important.

To her it’s just the way I am, and I respect the fuck out of her for that, but for me? For me it’s always going to be this great, big, defining characteristic of my life and I want to know who truly accepts me and who doesn’t. And even the people that say they do? There’s this scared, dark part inside me that wants to be constantly reassured that no, there are people in my life that honestly don’t give a shit.

So I'm sorry but not sorry that I keep finding subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways to bring my sexuality up in almost every conversations, and I'm sorry not sorry that you feel I'm rehashing things you've already accepted, but see, here's the thing: sometimes I don't believe you. For that I am sorry. And maybe I do believe you all the time, but we're with someone else, and I don't believe them.

The reasons behind my consistent mentioning of my queerness are many and varied so I beg you to bear with me. But I'm sort of always waiting for that ultimate moment in a conversation with a relatively new person where I bring up the fact I'm queer and the look on their face? Inherently changes.

Because it happens.

And I know it's frustrating to hear me repeat myself but here's the thing: It's not about you. Deal with it.

This doesn't affect you outside of a repeated thought pattern on my part. The only way this affects you is that you have to hear me say I'm queer again.

Wanna know how it affects me? It affects me in that I have to try to find increasingly less subtle ways to bring my sexuality up in regular conversation. It affects me because I can lose a potential new friend over this.

I could lose a potential new job or opportunity.

I could utterly disgust someone.

And I want to fucking know this before I become friends with someone.

So I'm sorry not sorry. I know it's frustrating for you. But this is legitimately something you're going to have to deal with.

Because to you, it's a boring old-hat conversation, whatever. To me? This is potentially world-changing, life-shattering, consequence-bearing revelations that I absolutely positively need to know the reaction to before I interact with someone new.

Because I refuse to hide again. Pretend I don't hear the mocked slurs. Pretend it doesn't matter. It does matter to me. It is me. So I need this information. About my sexuality, and also about my love of slash.

Because slash fiction/art/life has always been inherently intwined with my life. It introduced me to my best friend. It had me surviving through a truly dark moment in my teenage years by providing me with a fun outlet with a caring support group. Plus it makes me happy. Very happy. It's introduced me to wonderful people, provided me with hours of entertainment and generally made my life a much better thing.

Maybe that doesn't seem as important as my sexuality, but to me it is. Because my love of slash is just the flipped side of the queer spectrum and guess what? I want to know that too.

I want to know if you not only accept me and my likes, but you won't mock me for shipping two men together. Because people have some strange ships in games/books/movies/etc, and mine being Steve and Tony shouldn't be any more weird than, fuck I don't know, Loki and Darcy? I haven't read/seen it personally (yet), but I know it's out there, because it's the Avengers fandom and we are many, varied, and sometimes we're just odd. Loveable all the same, but odd.

And so help me god if I never have to listen to another conversation like I did in high school about two girls being together is fine, but two men are disgusting fudgepackers, I will be fucking happy.

I don't think you understand my being queer doesn't mean I want to know you just accept me, but you accept everyone like me. And admitting my love of slash means I not only get to see if you accept my tastes, but also gay-love. So there's that. It's just as important.

And on a similar note, I'm sorry not sorry but I'll keep bringing up the fact I'm pansexual when you stop looking at me pole-axed whenever I look at a woman. Because you keep seeming to forget I'm queer. And if my admiring a woman still makes you pause for a moment while you remember I'm queer? Then I'm going to keep reminding you.

And so help me if you keep rolling your eyes whenever I admire a woman I'm gonna keep fucking mentioning it. My being queer is not this suffering thing. My being queer is not annoying or exhasperating. If you can say 'oh s/he's cute' without someone rolling their eyes? I can do the same fucking thing.

So bear with me.

Sorry not sorry.

Positive Confidence (or how an article caused me to rant... again)

So I was reading this article and felt the need to comment as I'm prone to do.

Okay so while I understand the general gist behind this article and approve of a fair bit, I have some serious issues with some of the points made.

The points I agree with:

1. They take a stand not because they think they are always right… but because they are not afraid to be wrong.

 I like this. People that are positively confident are not afraid to speak out and be proven wrong sometimes. Learning experiences ftw!

4. They freely ask for help.

Ask for help. Yes. Please. Always. It is not a bad thing to ask for help. And even if you know how to do a job, doesn't mean someone else hasn't figured out a more efficient way. Or you might just save some time and make a new friend by asking around. Help is not a crutch.  Getting help is not a weakness.

5.  They think, “Why not me?”

To be promoted or discovered or get what you want in life you have to work your butt off and promote yourself. Get out there and be positive, and don't wait around for the magic moment. Make it.

6. They don't put down other people.

Gossip kills. It really does. It's painful to others and if you're not enough of a good person to care about that, then consider this: it makes you look bad too. If you're constantly bad-mouthing people it doesn't make you very liked. Maybe you don't have to be liked in your life, but not being seen as a berk has it's benefits.

7. They aren’t afraid to look silly…

Don't be afraid to look silly. I've had the most fun in my life doing utterly ridiculous things. If you're in a flash mob, dance like a crazy person, if you're helping with a charity, wear funny face paint, smile for people, look like a fool. People appreciate someone that can enjoy life. Well, most people. And acting silly can be fun. Don't be afraid to do silly things. Stick your tongue out in photos, it'll make good memories later. Laughter is a wonderful thing.

8. … And they own their mistakes.

Admit when you're wrong. Goodness yes. We don't learn without mistakes. And we don't make mistakes without trying. So don't be afraid to try things and fuck up. You'll know better next time (hopefully). Take every embarrassing, horrible moment in your life and find the life-lesson within.

Admit you're wrong and you're admitting you're ignorant. You lack knowledge. And there is someone there to help you. You can be informed and next time not be wrong. Don't choose to be consistently wrong to save face. It's far more terrible to know you're wrong and continue in error, then take five minutes of embarrassment and learn something new.

9. They only seek approval from the people who really matter.

Be who you are and say what you feel. Because those that mind don't matter. And those that matter don't mind. - Dr. Suess

Don't care what terrible people say. If they're right, then accept it and move on. But don't take every hateful reprimand from every low-lying jerk-off to heart. There is a reason for what you believe and what you say. If you aren't wrong, don't pretend like you are to have more friends. If you're wrong but they're still cruel, admit you're wrong and move on from that problem, and from them.

Don't keep people around that are hurtful. They aren't worth your time and you can't please everybody.

The points I disagree with:

2. They listen ten times more than they speak.

Confident people are quiet and unassuming?

I'm sorry I have a problem with this. Certainly you should always make a point to listen to people, but exactly when did it become an issue to be communicative? Why in the ever living fuck do I have to be quiet to be confident? Am I any less a positive confident person by talking a lot? Why am I not allowed to share experiences? I don't think I should be taking over a conversation but why the hell can't it be equal? Why do I have to listen more than I speak? Why can't speaking and listening be on the same level? I don't believe talking is a bad thing.

Why, to be confident, am I not allowed to be communicative? Or at the very least have to stifle my communication. No I don't think everything I say is important, but neither is everything that other people say and I should be allowed the time to say profound things as well as stupid things.

At the same time, yes, I should listen to people, but I should have the sense of peace knowing they will do the same for me.

3. They duck the spotlight so it shines on others.

Do the bulk of the work, overcome the obstacles, but let other people take the credit is what I'm hearing.

I'm not a fucking doormat.

Fuck you no. I am not any less confident for expecting fucking credit for my work. I am proud of my accomplishments and I don't need other's approval, but so help me fucking god if I pulled my weight I deserve equal fucking credit.

Do you have any idea what you accomplish when you never take credit for the sweat, blood, and tears you pore into a work? Nothing. I know this from experience. Hell, even if you do get credit sometimes other mitigating factors (queer, woman) fuck you over. But I still deserve the respect to be appreciated by my peers.

I'm not saying to not let others have their moment of glory. If they deserve it beautiful. But, and here's the thing, you deserve it too. If you worked on a group project, stand there proudly with your group. Don't lurk in the shadows content with being unseen. You did the work, you're allowed to take fucking credit for it.

5. Very quietly, without calling attention to themselves, they go out and do it.

Umm excuse me but isn't this contradictory? You legitimatedly cannot build a business or promote yourself quietly. It doesn't work that way. If you want to connect with people and attract funding you have to put yourself out there. Saying to take advantage of social media and contact people, but in the same time saying to do it without calling attention on your needs? Is pretty contradictory.


So it's about half and half my pros and cons on this list. But my cons are pretty important to me.

I don't have to be quiet to be positively confident. I don't have to let others take credit for my work. I don't have to hide in the shadows.

The rest however, is still decent advice.

Mental Disorders: Over- and Under-Evaluated

A.K.A. I'm too tired to think of a clever title and that's actually the reason why I'm writing this.
A.K.A. I may or may not have Depression but I do hang around with people with mental disorders so I'm posting this anyway and if you think I don't have enough personal experience well that's your opinion.

Hey look, here’s me blogging when I should be studying for my exam tonight, what else is new?

Right so I’m maybe not the most qualified to talk about these things, but I figured it needed to be said.

Depression runs in my family. I’ve never been formally diagnosed, but I’m thinking I might take the steps to get it checked out and it’s mostly because of this reason: I’ve been having a wretched week in terms of sleep. Only it’s been over-sleeping on my part, not under-sleeping which is the norm. I’ve had problems sleeping for ages, but insomnia wasn’t really a good term for it since sometimes I sleep too much. And then I did research. Turns out over- and under-sleeping are both symptoms of depression. So that’s one question solved. But the thing is. See this interesting thing? It’s still depression.

Funny enough, depression is not this lovely little box term to describe hey sometimes I’m sad, whoop. There are a lot of other symptoms and a lot of other issues involved.

And hey, even if I don’t have depression (or if it’s not what’s causing my sleep issues) I still feel like this needs to be said:

I think we simultaneously pay too much and too little attention to mental disorders.

On the one side, people don’t pay enough attention, because many people with disorders are not medicated properly, or they aren’t taken care of properly. Sometimes someone with depression needs help, and sometimes they really just can’t function around people. If you don’t respect the person with the disorder enough to determine when they actually need social contact, and when they don’t, then you really shouldn’t be around them. Someone with depression or social anxiety? Sometimes social interaction is not the solution. Certainly don’t leave someone alone that needs help, but sometimes people need alone time.

Does this sound difficult to determine? It is. It really is. But this is your friend/family member/partner. It’s sort of your responsibility to at least make the attempt. And if you don’t want to put that much effort in, then walk off. If you don’t want to put that much effort in, you’re just hurting the person. Someone with a disorder needs helpful people, if you don’t think you can be that person, then don’t try to be. Sorry. You may want to help, but you’re just making it worse. It’s a lot of fucking work helping someone with a disorder, visible or not, that’s a fact of life. If you’re not up to it, that’s fine, not everyone is, but sticking around without knowing what you’re doing is only exacerbating the problem.

And on the other side: paying too much attention.

See here’s the thing. You don’t want to tell someone you have depression. Especially in my case where I’m not medically diagnosed but I probably have a small strain of it. To label myself as having depression may not be entirely accurate and could lead to a lot of judgement if it turns out that’s not the reason for my sleep issues. Certainly I have bad days that are also likely a symptom, but the sleep thing? Could be something as simple as a vitamin deficiency. Or possibly anemia. Who the hell knows (and that’s why I’m making an appointment for bloodwork). But either way, telling someone you have/think you have depression? Usually doesn’t end well. And here’s the reason why.

The second you tell someone you have depression, or any sort of mental disorder. They start treating you differently. All of a sudden everything you do is because of this disorder. Are you angry? Depression. Are you sad? Depression.

And this is really fucking annoying.

All right, related example? I’m a woman. Do you know how annoying it is every time I get frustrated for someone to assume I’m on my period? That’s really not a woman’s only reason for being emotional. I’m allowed to be emotional and not be on my period. And it’s the same with mental disorders.

I’m sorry but just because a person has a mental disorder doesn’t mean that’s the reasoning for every. fucking. thing. they. do.

Sometimes you have good days. Sometimes you have bad days. And sometimes this has nothing to do with your fucking depression. Sometimes you wake up late, burn your toast, and your car won’t start. This has nothing to do with a mental disorder. You’ve just had a bad fucking day. Everyone has them.

The second you tell someone you have a mental disorder, you are no longer a whole, complete person. You are a fragment. Everything about you is held together by your disorder and everything you do is defined by your disorder. You become your disorder.

And this is fucking bullshit.

Whether I have a disorder or not is yet to be determined, but it pisses me off to see other people with disorders where every emotional reaction they have is analyzed by their disorder. People are allowed to be sad or angry without it having to do with their disorder. Human beings are capable of an absolutely beautiful eclectic series of emotions and expressing them shouldn’t be a bad thing.

And in the same turn, sometimes you can be sad for no reason. As much as it’s an odd thought, sometimes someone is sad for no reason. They could have gotten a puppy, got a new partner, won a gift basket, what-have-you, and they’ll still be sad. That happens too.

Like I said, it’s confusing as fuck, and I’m sorry. But it’s confusing for the person too. And if you can’t handle that, then stay away. But don’t avoid someone outright just because they have a disorder.

Ugh, so basically, a person is not their disorder wholeheartedly, but it is still a part of them. People with disorders can be confusing, and dual-minded, and happy/sad/angry/confused, and this could all switch in a moment. And it sucks. But that’s life. And it’s especially their life. Not yours. And your judgement doesn’t help. Either try to be that positive/helpful person in their life, or don’t be a person in their life. If you only want to be around someone when they’re happy, then you’re not a very good friend.

People are sad sometimes, angry sometimes, and happy sometimes. To be happy all the time isn’t normal, certainly more happy than not is ideal, but if you don’t want to be friends with someone just because they’re sad? That’s not fair. But it’s probably for the best. It’s better for the person if you just leave.

I admit it’s hard to help someone with a disorder. If you don’t think you can handle them, you probably can’t. And sticking around doesn’t help anyone. But don’t decide to stay around when you want to, when the person is ‘normal’, because that isn’t fair. It’s not helpful to tell someone ‘you have a disorder and that’s why I’m avoiding you’. You’ve chosen to be around this person. This means you’ve chosen to stay with them. With all of them. The day you can’t handle it? It’s better in the long run for everyone involved if you just walk off.

Sounds mean, sounds bitchy, but it’s true. You don’t help anyone by not accepting everything they are.